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Sometimes we say words to each other that do not seem offensive to the interlocutor and yet can hurt. These are phrases-aggressors, behind which lies unspoken resentment. They undermine trust in each other and gradually destroy the union, coach Chris Armstrong is sure.
«You didn’t ask about it»
“Recently, in line for check-in at the airport, I witnessed the dialogue of a married couple,” says Chris Armstrong.
She is:
“You could have told me.
Is he:
“You never asked.
“It’s a significant amount of money. I don’t have to ask you. I expected you to tell.»
“There is a significant difference between “did not lie” and “was honest,” the expert believes. — The one who takes care of the partner’s feelings will tell himself about what may bother a loved one. «You never asked!» is a typical phrase of a passive aggressor who makes the other side to blame for everything.
«You didn’t say it, but you thought»
Sometimes we easily attribute to partners intentions and desires that they did not voice, but, as it seems to us, they indirectly discovered in their statements. He says, «I’m very tired.» She hears, «I don’t want to spend time with you,» and immediately blames him for it. He defends himself: «I didn’t say that.» She continues the attack: «I did not say, but I thought.»
“Perhaps in some ways this woman is right,” Armstrong admits. — Some people really try to get away from a conversation with a partner, justifying themselves with being busy or tired. Gradually, this behavior can also turn into passive aggression towards a loved one. However, we ourselves can become an aggressor, tormenting the other side with our guesses.”
We drive the partner into a corner, forcing us to defend ourselves. And we can achieve the opposite effect, when, feeling unfairly accused, he completely stops sharing his thoughts and experiences. Therefore, even if you are right about what is actually behind the words of a partner, it is better to be open about what is bothering you in a calm atmosphere, rather than trying to blame, attributing to the person what he did not say.
«I don’t want this to sound rude…»
“Everything that will be said after that, most likely, will just turn out to be rude and offensive for the partner. Otherwise, you would not have warned him in advance, reminds the coach. “If you need to preface your words with such warnings, do you need to say them at all?” Perhaps you should reformulate your thought?
Having hurt a loved one, you also deny him the right to bitter feelings, because you warned: «I did not want to offend you.» And this will only further injure him.
«I never asked you for this»
“My friend Christina regularly irons her husband’s shirts and does a lot of household chores,” says Armstrong. “One day she asked him to pick up her dress from the dry cleaners on her way home, but he didn’t. In the heat of a quarrel, Christina reproached her husband for taking care of him, and he ignored such a trifle. “I didn’t ask you to iron my shirts,” snapped the husband.
“I didn’t ask you” is one of the most devastating things you can say to someone else. By doing this, you devalue not only what your partner did for you, but also his feelings for you. “I don’t need you” is the true message of these words.
There are many more phrases that destroy our relationships, but psychologists working with couples most often note these. If you want to move towards each other and not aggravate conflicts, give up such verbal aggression. Talk to your partner about your feelings and experiences directly, without trying to veiled revenge and without imposing a sense of guilt.
About the Expert: Chris Armstrong is a relationship coach.