Mother and child: whose emotions are more important?

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Before trying to understand whose emotions are more important, mom or child, you need to answer the question of why we need feelings at all. How do they originate and what function do they perform?

In scientific language, emotions are a subjective state of a person associated with an assessment of the significance of the events taking place around him and the expression of his attitude towards them.

But if we abandon strict terms, emotions are our wealth, our guides to the world of our own desires and needs. A beacon that lights up within when our natural needs—whether psychological, emotional, spiritual, or physical—are not being met. Or, on the contrary, they are satisfied — if we are talking about «good» events.

And when something happens that makes us sad, angry, scared, happy, we react not only with our soul, but also with our body.

To decide on a breakthrough and take a step towards meeting our needs, we need “fuel”. So, the hormones that our body releases in response to an “external stimulus” are the very fuel that allows us to somehow act. It turns out that our emotions are the force that pushes our body and mind to a certain kind of behavior. What do we want to do now — cry or scream? Run away or freeze?

There is such a thing as “basic emotions”. Basic — because we all experience them, at any age and without exception. These include sadness, fear, anger, disgust, surprise, joy, and contempt. We react emotionally due to the innate mechanism that gives a «hormonal response» to a particular stimulus.

If there are no questions with joy and surprise, then the assignment of “bad” feelings sometimes raises questions. Why do we need them? Without this «signaling system» humanity would not have survived: it is she who tells us that something is wrong and we need to fix it. How does this system work? Here are some simple examples related to the life of the smallest:

• If the mother is not around a little longer than usual, the baby experiences anxiety and sadness, does not feel that he is safe.
• If the mother frowns, the child “reads” her mood by this non-verbal signal, and he becomes scared.
• If the mother is busy with her own affairs, the baby is sad.
• If the newborn is not fed on time, he becomes angry and screams about it.
• If a child is offered food that he does not want, such as broccoli, he experiences disgust and disgust.

Obviously, for an infant, emotions are an absolutely natural and evolutionary thing. If a child who does not yet speak did not show his mother through anger or sadness that he is not satisfied, it would be difficult for her to understand him and give him what he wants or ensure safety.

Basic emotions have helped humanity survive for centuries. If there were no disgust, we could be poisoned by spoiled food. If there was no fear, we could jump off a high cliff and crash. If there were no experiences associated with loneliness, if there were no sadness, we would not form tribes and would not survive in an extreme situation.

You and I are so similar!

The baby clearly, vividly and immediately declares his needs. Why? Because the cerebral cortex of his brain is developing, the nervous system is in an immature state, the nerve fibers are still being covered with myelin. And myelin is a kind of «duct tape» that inhibits the nerve impulse and regulates the emotional response.

That is why a small child hardly slows down his hormonal reactions and reacts quickly and directly to the stimuli he encounters. On average, children learn to regulate their reactions by about eight years of age.

The needs of an adult in general are not much different from those of an infant. Both the child and his mother are “arranged” in the same way. They have two arms, two legs, ears and eyes — and the same basic needs. We all want to be heard, loved, respected, to be given the right to play and free time. We want to feel that we are important and valuable, we want to feel our importance, independence and competence.

And if our needs are not met, then we, like children, will “throw out” certain hormones in order to somehow get closer to achieving what we want. The only difference between children and adults is that adults can control their behavior a little better thanks to the accumulated life experience and the «work» of myelin. Thanks to a well-developed neural network, we are able to hear ourselves. And do not forget about the verbal skills of an adult. Vocabulary is the key to success!

Mom can wait?

As children, we all hear ourselves and recognize our feelings. But, growing up, we feel the oppression of responsibility and numerous duties and forget how it is. We suppress our fears, we sacrifice our needs — especially when we have children. Traditionally, women sit with children in our country, so they suffer more than others.

Moms who complain about burnout, fatigue, and other “unsightly” feelings are often told: “Be patient, you’re an adult and you have to do this.” And, of course, the classic: «You’re a mother.» Unfortunately, by telling ourselves “I must” and not paying attention to “I want”, we give up our needs, desires, hobbies. Yes, we perform social functions. We are good for society, but are we good for ourselves? We hide our needs in a distant box, close them with a lock and lose the key to it …

But our needs, which, in fact, come from our unconscious, are like an ocean that cannot be contained in an aquarium. They will press from within, rage, and as a result, the «dam» will break — sooner or later. Detachment from one’s needs, suppression of desires can result in self-destructive behavior of various types — for example, become the cause of overeating, alcoholism, shopaholism. Often the rejection of one’s desires and needs leads to psychosomatic diseases and conditions: headaches, muscle tension, hypertension.

Closing our needs and emotions to the castle, we thereby give up ourselves, from our “I”. And this cannot but generate protest and anger.

If it seems to us that mom is too emotional, the problem is not in her emotions and not in their excess. Perhaps she simply stopped caring about her desires and needs, empathizing with herself. Well «hears» the child, but turned away from herself …

Perhaps this is due to the fact that society has become very child-centered. The emotional intelligence of humanity is growing, the value of life is also growing. People seem to have thawed out: we have a great affection for children, we want to give them the best. We read smart books on how to understand and not injure a child. We try to follow the theory of attachment. And this is good and important!

But attachment theory does not require mothers to give up themselves and go into self-sacrifice. Psychologist Julia Gippenreiter spoke of such a phenomenon as a «jug of anger.» This is the same ocean described above that they are trying to keep inside the aquarium. Human needs are not satisfied, and anger accumulates inside us, which sooner or later spills out. Its manifestations are mistaken for emotional instability.

Hear the voice of vulnerability

How can we cope with our emotions and take them under control? There is only one answer: to hear them, to recognize their importance. And talk to yourself the way a sensitive mother talks to her children.

We can speak to our inner child like this: “I can hear you. If you’re so angry, maybe something important is going on? Perhaps you are not getting something you need? I empathize with you and will definitely find a way to meet my needs.”

We need to hear the voice of vulnerability in the soul. By treating ourselves with care, we teach children to listen to their basic needs. By our example, we show that it is important not only to do homework, clean up and go to work. It is important to hear yourself and share your emotions with loved ones. And ask them to treat our feelings with care, to respect them.

And if you experience difficulties with this, then you can learn how to talk about basic emotions in a psychologist’s office, in conditions of safe confidential contact. And only then, little by little, to share them with the world.

Who is first?

We can express our emotions in words, use comparisons and metaphors to show the depth of our experiences. We can hear our body if we find it difficult to determine exactly what we are feeling.

And most importantly: when we hear ourselves, we no longer need to choose whose emotions are more important — ours or our children. After all, sympathy for another does not mean at all that we stop listening to our inner voice.

We can empathize with a bored child, but also find time for a hobby.

We can give the breast to someone who is hungry, but also not let it be bitten, because it hurts us.

We can hold someone who can’t sleep without us, but we can’t deny that we’re really tired.

By helping ourselves, we help our children to hear themselves better. After all, our emotions are equally important.