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Few people are ready to admit that they are envious in a black way, because this feeling characterizes us not from the best side, its frequent companions are hostility, anger, hostility. And yet, to see a “monster” in yourself means to receive the first vaccine against its toxic effect. At least that’s what psychologist Juliana Brains is sure of.
Life endlessly reminds us of the lack of something, transmitting signals through other people. There will always be someone more successful, talented, attractive nearby. Someone who managed to get closer to the goal than us.
We encounter these people every day — they may well be our friends, relatives or colleagues. Sometimes, after meeting them, we get a feeling of bitterness or an unkind twinkle in our eyes — a familiar prick of envy.
Envy can be defined as a strong desire to possess what someone else has. This is a non-constructive, destructive emotion that can lower our self-esteem, make us seek to undermine someone else’s reputation or burst into angry reproaches, splashing out irritation. Yes, that in and of itself is a terrible feeling.
So what can we do to disarm the monster?
1. Admit your feelings
This is a courageous step, because it means admitting one’s own weakness. The first sign of latent envy may be an irrational feeling of hostility towards its object. The mere sight of this man can give you goosebumps, even though he has done nothing wrong. It is advisable to investigate this reaction as soon as possible and determine its cause, before envy gets the better of us and damages our relationships.
Pay attention to your bodily cues: Some forms of envy trigger a physiological fight-or-flight response that includes symptoms such as increased heart rate, muscle tension, and overactive sweat glands.
2. Realize that pride is just the other side of envy
It is tempting, but generally useless, to try to counter envy with pride. “Sure, he has a good car, but I look better” — that way you won’t get far. At this particular moment, you may feel protected, but sooner or later someone will appear who will have a cooler car than yours and a more spectacular appearance.
In other words, confidence in one’s own enviable qualities is not sustainable. And it feeds an equally unsustainable hierarchy of social comparisons, where someone else must be cast down and devalued in order for us to «go up» and vice versa.
Instead of numbing jealousy by trying to boost your self-esteem, try showing compassion for yourself. Recognize that it’s hard to see someone doing a great job while you’re desperately trying to stay afloat. Remind yourself that you are far from alone in your feelings: even the most successful people sometimes suffer from self-doubt. To be imperfect is to be human.
3. Replace envy with compassion
Although envy seems almost like a compliment to another, it is, in fact, inhuman. It reduces the object of envy to a single feature and hides the full picture of who this person is and what his life is like in all its diversity.
Imagine that you are jealous of someone who you think is doing great, and then you suddenly find out that in reality he is going through great difficulties and suffering. Such cases are more common than we might think — we simply do not have the opportunity to learn about someone’s problems (and social networks, by the way, do not contribute to the formation of a real picture).
It’s not that we should look for vulnerabilities in someone’s apparently perfect life. But we must be ready to see a person in all his fullness, with his strengths and weaknesses, joys and sorrows. This will allow us to notice things that we would otherwise overlook. Such a three-dimensional perception of a person will also help us to truly rejoice in his success.
4. Use envy for self-improvement
If envy is rooted in something we can’t change, whether it’s a difficult childhood, a traumatic event, or a health problem, trying to use that feeling as a motivator for development will likely only increase our frustration. But sometimes envy tells us that we want what is potentially achievable, we just need to do some work.
For example, if you’re jealous of your productive colleague, you may find that you can get more done yourself if you manage your time better. You may even get a couple of valuable tips from this employee.
5. Do not forget about the received gifts of fate
They say that envy is counting other people’s blessings instead of your own. Remembering the good things that we have is not at all the same as inflating the ego, suggesting to ourselves that we are better than others. Rather, it is a refocusing on what is really important in life, and also on those often intangible or invisible things that we possess and are little subject to social comparison, such as a strong spirit or a variety of life experiences.
While envy robs us of energy and robs us of the ability to enjoy, gratitude, on the contrary, can open a source of strength and inspiration where we did not expect.
About the author: Juliana Brains is a psychologist.