No matter how happy and prosperous your relationship may be, disagreements, disputes and quarrels are inevitable. Everyone is overcome by anger and other violent emotions at times, so even in the healthiest relationships, conflicts arise. The main thing is to learn how to quarrel correctly.
Relationship problems are natural, but in order for them not to destroy your couple, you need to learn effective communication and “smart” ways to argue. Why do even happy couples fight? In any relationship, a partner can get pissed off, feel threatened, or just not in the mood. Serious disagreements may also arise. All this easily leads to disputes and quarrels.
As a result, even in successful couples, partners begin to behave like hysterical capricious children, angrily slamming cabinet doors, stamping their feet, rolling their eyes and screaming. Often they just go to bed, holding a grudge against each other. If this happens occasionally in your family, this is not a reason to panic. You should not think that in happy families, spouses never make scandals or that they do not have nervous breakdowns.
Luckily, you don’t have to be perfect to make a marriage last. The tendency to quarrel is inherent in us by evolution. “The human brain is better suited for fighting than for love. Therefore, it is better for couples not to avoid conflicts and disputes. Negative emotions do not need to be suppressed, it is better to learn how to quarrel properly, ”explains family therapist Stan Tatkin. This skill distinguishes quarrels in happy couples from quarrels in dysfunctional couples.
Rules for a reasonable showdown
- remember that the brain is naturally set up for conflict;
- learn to read the mood of a partner by facial expressions and body language;
- if you see that your partner is upset about something, try to help, try to be open and friendly;
- argue only face to face, looking into each other’s eyes;
- never sort things out by phone, by correspondence or in the car;
- don’t forget that the goal is to win for both of you.
Another feature of the “correct” quarrels is the ratio of positive and negative elements of the conflict. Research by psychologist John Gottman shows that in stable and happy marriages during conflict, the ratio of positive to negative is about 5 to 1, and in unstable couples – 8 to 1.
Positive elements of conflict
Here are some tips from Dr. Gottman to help you turn an argument into a positive direction:
- if the conversation threatens to escalate into a conflict, try to be as gentle as possible;
- don’t forget the humor. An appropriate joke will help defuse the situation;
- try to calm down and calm your partner;
- try to make peace and go towards your partner if he offers peace;
- be prepared to compromise;
- if you hurt each other during a fight, discuss it.
This is the answer to the question why even happy couples sometimes quarrel. Quarrels naturally arise in any intimate relationship. Your goal is not to try to avoid scandals at all costs, but to learn how to sort things out correctly. A well-resolved conflict can bring you closer and teach you to better understand each other.