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Age of obstinacy. About the crisis of three years
The three-year crisis is different from what happened at the age of one month (the so-called neonatal crisis) or one year old (the one-year crisis). If the previous two “tipping points” could have gone relatively smoothly, the first acts of protest were not yet so active, and only new skills and abilities caught the eye, then with the crisis of three years the situation is more complicated. It’s almost impossible to miss it. An obedient three-year-old is almost as rare as an accommodating and affectionate teenager. Such features of the crisis ages as difficult to educate, conflict with others, etc., in this period, for the first time, are manifested realistically and in full. No wonder the crisis of three years is sometimes called the age of obstinacy.
By the time your baby is about to celebrate his third birthday (and even better, half a year earlier), it will be useful for you to know the whole «bouquet» of signs that determine the onset of this crisis — the so-called «seven-star». By imagining what each component of this seven-star means, you can more successfully help a child outgrow a difficult age, as well as maintain a healthy nervous system — both his and his.
In a general sense, negativism means the desire to contradict, to do the opposite of what he is told. A child may be very hungry, or really want to listen to a fairy tale, but he will refuse only because you, or some other adult, offers it to him. Negativism must be distinguished from ordinary disobedience. After all, the child does not obey you, not because he wants to, but because at the moment he cannot do otherwise. By refusing your offer or request, he «defends» his «I».
Having expressed his own point of view or asked for something, the little three-year-old stubborn will bend his line with all his might. Does he really want the execution of the «application»? May be. But, most likely, not very much, or in general for a long time lost desire. But how will the baby understand that his point of view is considered, that his opinion is listened to if you do it your way?
Obstinacy, unlike negativism, is a general protest against the usual way of life, the norms of upbringing. The child is dissatisfied with everything that is offered to him.
The little headstrong three-year-old accepts only what he has decided and conceived for himself. This is a kind of tendency towards independence, but hypertrophied and inadequate to the capabilities of the child. It is not difficult to guess that such behavior causes conflicts and quarrels with others.
Everything that used to be interesting, familiar, expensive is depreciating. Favorite toys during this period become bad, affectionate grandmother — nasty, parents — angry. The child may begin to swear, call names (there is a depreciation of old norms of behavior), break a favorite toy or tear a book (attachments to previously expensive objects are depreciated), etc.
This condition can best be described in the words of the famous psychologist L.S. Vygotsky: «The child is at war with others, in constant conflict with them.»
Until recently, affectionate, a baby at the age of three often turns into a real family despot. He dictates to everyone around him the norms and rules of behavior: what to feed him, what to wear, who can leave the room and who can’t, what to do for one family member and what for the rest. If there are still children in the family, despotism begins to take on the features of heightened jealousy. Indeed, from the point of view of a three-year-old peanut, his brothers or sisters do not have any rights in the family at all.
The Other Side of the Crisis
The features of the crisis of three years listed above can throw many happy parents of infants or two-year-olds into confusion. However, everything, of course, is not so scary. Faced with such manifestations, you must firmly remember that external negative signs are only the reverse side of positive personality changes that make up the main and main meaning of any critical age. In each period of development, the child has completely special needs, means, ways of interacting with the world and understanding himself that are acceptable only for a given age. Having served their time, they must give way to new ones — completely different, but the only possible one in a changed situation. The emergence of the new necessarily means the withering away of the old, the rejection of already mastered models of behavior, interaction with the outside world. And in periods of crisis, more than ever, there is a huge constructive work of development, sharp, significant shifts and changes in the personality of the child.
Unfortunately, for many parents, the “goodness” of a child often directly depends on the degree of his obedience. During a crisis, you should not hope for this. After all, the changes taking place inside the child, the turning point of his mental development, cannot pass unnoticed without showing themselves in behavior and relationships with others.
«Behold the root»
The main content of each age crisis is the formation of neoplasms, i.e. the emergence of a new type of relationship between the child and adults, the change from one type of activity to another. For example, at the birth of a baby, there is an adaptation to a new environment for him, the formation of responses. Neoplasms of the crisis of one year — the formation of walking and speech, the emergence of the first acts of protest against the «undesirable» actions of adults. For the crisis of three years, according to the research of scientists and psychologists, the most important neoplasm is the emergence of a new sense of «I». «I myself.»
During the first three years of his life, a small person gets used to the world around him, gets used to it and reveals himself as an independent mental being. At this age, a moment comes when the child, as it were, generalizes all the experience of his early childhood, and on the basis of his real achievements, he develops an attitude towards himself, new characteristic personality traits appear. By this age, more and more often we can hear the pronoun «I» from the child instead of his own name when he talks about himself. It seemed that until recently your baby, looking in the mirror, to the question «Who is this?» proudly replied: «This is Roma.» Now he says: “This is me”, he understands that it is he who is depicted in his own photographs, that this is his, and not some other baby, a grimy face smiles from the mirror. The child begins to realize himself as a separate person, with his desires and characteristics, a new form of self-consciousness appears. True, the awareness of the “I” of a three-year-old toddler is still different from ours. It does not yet take place on an internal, ideal plane, but has a character deployed outward: an assessment of one’s achievement and its comparison with the assessment of others.
The child begins to realize his «I» under the influence of increasing practical independence. That is why the “I” of the child is so closely connected with the concept of “I myself”. The attitude of the child to the world around is changing: now the baby is driven not only by the desire to learn new things, to master actions and behavioral skills. The surrounding reality becomes the sphere of self-realization of a small researcher. The child is already trying his hand, testing the possibilities. He asserts himself, and this contributes to the emergence of children’s pride — the most important incentive for self-development and self-improvement.
Each parent must have faced a situation more than once when it was faster and more convenient to do something for the child: dress him, feed him, take him to the right place. Up to a certain age, this went “with impunity”, but by the age of three, increased independence can reach the limit when it will be vital for the baby to try to do all this on his own. At the same time, it is important for the child that the people around him take his independence seriously. And if the child does not feel that he is considered, that his opinion and desires are respected, he begins to protest. He rebels against the old framework, against the old relationship. This is exactly the age when, according to the famous American psychologist E. Erickson, the will begins to form, and the qualities associated with it — independence, independence.
Of course, it is completely wrong to give a three-year-old child the right to complete independence: after all, having already mastered a lot by his young age, the baby is not yet fully aware of his capabilities, does not know how to express thoughts, plan. However, it is important to feel the changes taking place in the child, changes in his motivational sphere and attitude towards himself. Then the critical manifestations characteristic of a growing person at this age can be alleviated. Child-parent relations should enter a qualitatively new direction and be based on the respect and patience of parents. The attitude of the child to the adult also changes. This is no longer just a source of warmth and care, but also a role model, the embodiment of correctness and perfection.
Trying to describe in one word the most important thing that is acquired as a result of the crisis of three years, we can call it, following the researcher of child psychology M. I. Lisina, pride in achievements. This is a completely new complex of behavior, which is based on the attitude that developed in children during early childhood towards reality, towards an adult as a model. As well as attitude towards oneself, mediated by one’s own achievements. The essence of the new behavioral complex is as follows: firstly, the child begins to strive to achieve the result of his activity — persistently, purposefully, despite the difficulties and failures encountered. Secondly, there is a desire to demonstrate their successes to an adult, without whose approval these successes lose their value to a large extent. Thirdly, at this age, a heightened sense of self-worth appears — increased resentment, emotional outbursts over trifles, sensitivity to the recognition of achievements by parents, grandmothers and other significant and important people in the life of the baby.
Caution: three year old
It is necessary to know what the crisis of three years is, and what is behind the external manifestations of a little capricious and a brawler. After all, this will help you form the right attitude to what is happening: the baby behaves so disgustingly not because he himself is “bad”, but simply because he cannot yet do otherwise. Understanding the internal mechanisms will help you be more tolerant of your child.
However, in difficult situations, even understanding may not be enough to cope with «whims» and «scandals». Therefore, it is better to prepare in advance for possible quarrels: as they say, «learning is hard, fighting is easy.»
1) Calmness, only calmness
The main manifestations of the crisis, disturbing parents, usually consist in the so-called «affective outbursts» — tantrums, tears, whims. Of course, they can also occur in other, “stable” periods of development, but then this happens much less frequently and with less intensity. Recommendations for behavior in such situations will be the same: do nothing and do not decide until the baby is completely calm. By the age of three, you already know your child well enough and probably have a couple of ways to calm your baby in stock. Someone is used to simply ignoring such outbursts of negative emotions or reacting to them as calmly as possible. This method is very good if … it works. However, there are many babies who are able to «fight in hysterics» for a long time, and few mother’s hearts can withstand this picture. Therefore, it may be useful to «pity» the child: hug, put on his knees, pat on the head. This method usually works flawlessly, but you should not abuse it. After all, the child gets used to the fact that his tears and whims are followed by “positive reinforcement”. And once he gets used to it, he will use this opportunity to get an additional «portion» of affection and attention. It is best to stop the beginning tantrum by simply switching attention. At the age of three, babies are very receptive to everything new, and a new toy, cartoon, or offer to do something interesting can stop the conflict and save your nerves.
2) Trial and error
Three years is the development of independence, the first understanding of «what I am and what I mean in this world.» After all, you want your baby to grow into a healthy person with adequate self-esteem, self-confident. All these qualities are laid right here and now — through trials, achievements and mistakes. Let your child make mistakes now, before your very eyes. This will help him avoid many serious problems in the future. But for this, you yourself must see in your baby, yesterday’s baby, an independent person who has the right to go his own way and be understood. It was found that if parents limit the manifestations of the child’s independence, punish or ridicule his attempts at independence, then the development of the little man is disturbed: and instead of will, independence, a heightened sense of shame and insecurity is formed.
Of course, the path of freedom is not the path of connivance. Define for yourself those boundaries that the child does not have the right to go beyond. For example, you can’t play on the roadway, you can’t skip naps, you can’t walk through the forest without a hat, etc. You must adhere to these boundaries under any circumstances. In other situations, give the baby the freedom to act on his own mind.
3) Freedom of choice
The right to make our own decisions is one of the main signs of how free we feel in a given situation. A three-year-old kid has the same perception of reality. Most of the negative manifestations of the crisis of three years from the “seven stars” described above are the result of the fact that the baby does not feel freedom in his own decisions, actions, and deeds. Of course, letting a three-year-old toddler into “free flight” would be crazy, but you simply have to give him the opportunity to make decisions yourself. This will allow the child to form the qualities necessary in life, and you will be able to cope with some of the negative manifestations of the crisis of three years.
Does the kid say “no”, “I won’t”, “I don’t want” to everything? Then don’t force it! Offer him two options: draw with felt-tip pens or pencils, walk in the yard or in the park, eat from a blue or green plate. You will save your nerves, and the child will enjoy and be sure that his opinion is taken into account.
The kid is stubborn, and you can’t convince him in any way? Try to «stage» such situations in «safe» conditions. For example, when you are not in a hurry and can choose from several options. After all, if the kid manages to defend his point of view, he gets confidence in his abilities, the significance of his own opinion. Stubbornness is the beginning of the development of the will, the achievement of the goal. And it is in your power to direct it in this direction, and not make it a source of «donkey» character traits for life.
It is also worth mentioning the “do the opposite” technique known to some parents. Tired of the endless “no”, “I don’t want” and “I won’t”, the mother begins to energetically convince her baby of the opposite of what she is trying to achieve. For example, «under no circumstances go to bed», «you must not sleep», «do not eat this soup». With a small stubborn three-year-old, this method often works. However, is it worth using it? Even from the outside, it looks very unethical: a child is the same person as you, however, using your position, experience, knowledge, you deceive and manipulate him. In addition to the issue of ethics, here we can recall another point: the crisis serves the development of the individual, the formation of character. Will a child who is constantly «cheated» in this way learn something new? Will he develop the necessary qualities in himself? This can only be doubted.
4) What is our life? A game!
Increased independence is one of the features of the three-year crisis. The baby wants to do everything himself, completely out of proportion to his own desires and capabilities. Learning to correlate “I can” and “I want” is the task of its development in the near future. And he will experiment with this constantly and in a variety of circumstances. And parents, by participating in such experiments, can really help the child overcome the crisis faster, make it less painful for the baby himself and for everyone around him. This can be done in the game. It was her great psychologist and expert on child development, Eric Erickson, who compared it with a «safe island» where the baby can «develop and test his independence, independence.» The game, with its special rules and norms that reflect social ties, allows the baby to test his strength in «greenhouse conditions», acquire the necessary skills and see the limits of his abilities.
Lost crisis
Everything is good in moderation. It’s great if around three years old you notice signs of an incipient crisis in your baby. It is even better when, after some time, you are relieved to recognize your affectionate and accommodating child, who has become a little more mature. However, there are situations when the «crisis» — with all its negativity, obstinacy and other troubles — does not want to come. Parents who have never heard or thought about any developmental crises are only rejoicing. A problem-free non-capricious child — what could be better? However, mothers and fathers, who are aware of the importance of developmental crises, and who do not notice any signs of the “age of obstinacy” in their baby of three to three and a half years, begin to worry. There is a point of view that if the crisis proceeds sluggishly, imperceptibly, then this indicates a delay in the development of the affective and volitional sides of the personality. Therefore, enlightened adults begin to observe the baby with heightened attention, try to find at least some manifestation of the crisis “from scratch”, make trips to psychologists and psychotherapists.
However, on the basis of special studies, it was found that there are children who, at the age of three, almost do not show any negative manifestations. And if they are found, they pass so quickly that parents may not even notice them. It is not worth thinking that this will somehow negatively affect mental development, or the formation of a personality. Indeed, in a development crisis, the main thing is not how it proceeds, but what it leads to. Therefore, the main task of parents in such a situation is to monitor the emergence of a new behavior in the child: the formation of will, independence, pride in achievements. It is worth contacting a specialist only if you still do not find all this in your child.