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Finding yourself is a fashion trend. Advertising, media and social networks encourage us to “be ourselves”. But few understand what that means. Sociologist Christina Carter explains and gives five tips on how to become real.
1. Don’t lie
To be ourselves means to live in harmony with what we believe in. But most in childhood were taught not to tell the truth, but to please people. We were told that lying for the good is normal, taught to pretend and play other people’s roles.
But even the slightest pretense is a deception. If we often lie, it seems to us that it is easy. In fact, lying is stressful for the brain and body. The principle of the lie detector is based on this: it does not recognize deception, but changes in the body: the electrical conductivity of the skin, the pulse rate, tone of voice and breathing change. When we live according to what we believe, we become happier and healthier. You can’t be true to yourself if you’re lying.
2. Think about what to say
It’s not always worth saying everything that comes to mind. Words can hurt or offend someone. But that doesn’t mean you have to lie.
Let’s say a friend asks what you think of her new dress. If it seems terrible to you, you do not need to say: «You look like a woman on a teapot.» Instead, ask her what she thinks and how she feels in this dress, and listen carefully.
Our feelings are always genuine, but criticisms rarely reflect objective reality.
Sometimes this tactic doesn’t work and you need to voice your thoughts. If you understand that you can offend or embarrass, think before you speak. Make sure you don’t make value judgments or make assumptions. Our feelings are always genuine, but criticisms rarely reflect objective reality.
If you think that someone is doing wrong, do not be silent. But it’s not worth the hassle either. Don’t say, «You’re being awful. You need to read this book to understand your mistake.» Instead, say, “I get upset and upset when you do this. For me this is wrong. I can’t be silent looking at this.»
3. Listen to the body
Even if the mind does not know, the body knows what we feel. Listen for his signals.
Say a lie. For example: “I like it when my boss humiliates me in front of my colleagues” or “I love to get sick with the stomach flu.” Notice how the body reacts. Most likely, the manifestations will be barely noticeable: the jaw will slightly pull or the shoulder will twitch. When I say something that my subconscious does not accept, the body responds with a slight heaviness in the stomach. If I do something that seems wrong for a long time, my stomach starts to hurt.
Now say what you believe in: «I like the ocean» or «I like to touch my cheek to the head of a child.» When I speak or hear the truth, “goosebumps of truth” run through my body — the hairs on my arms stand up.
When we do and say what we believe in, we feel stronger and freer. A lie is felt as a burden and a limitation — it pulls your back, your shoulders hurt, your stomach boils.
4. Don’t meddle in other people’s business
Stress in life is connected with the fact that we live with other people’s problems. We think: “You need to find a job”, “I want you to be happy”, “You should be on time”, “You should take better care of yourself”. Focusing on other people’s affairs protects us from our own lives. We know what is best for everyone, but we do not think about ourselves. There is no excuse for this, no need to hide behind love. This is a manifestation of arrogance, which is born from fears, anxieties and tensions.
Our main task is to figure out what is right for us before taking on the problems of others. If you mind your own business, it liberates and transforms your life.
5. Accept your flaws
Being yourself doesn’t mean being perfect. All people, everyone has flaws, we often make mistakes.
When we love only those qualities in ourselves that make us good, strong and smart, we reject the part of ourselves that makes us real. It takes away from the true essence. We hide the real and show what glitters. But the apparent perfection is fake.
The only thing we can do about imperfections is accept them and forgive ourselves for imperfection. At the same time, accept the experience of these weaknesses. This does not mean that we refuse to change and become better. But we can be honest with ourselves.
Loving and accepting yourself with all the flaws is the only way to become real. When we live in harmony with ourselves, we become healthier and happier and can build closer and more sincere relationships.