“Tomorrow I start a new life!” — we proudly declare to ourselves, and … nothing comes of it. We go to training sessions that promise instant success at the cost of an emotional upheaval. “Something is changing,” we assure ourselves. This confidence, as well as the effect, is enough for a week. It’s not about us. Why shock therapy does not work, and psychologists do not give ready-made recipes for happiness, psychologist Maria Eril explained using a practical example.
«So what are you going to do with me?» I know that I need to break myself, all these patterns and attitudes of mine … Dispel illusions. I’m ready!
Triathlete, businessman, climber and superdad Gennady was an unusually charming man of short stature, he was dressed in a tight shirt, from which his muscles bulged as well as his readiness for accomplishments. It was felt that the interlocutor was smart, interesting. I really wanted to joke with him, play with him.
— Gennady, I’m going to have a very serious talk with you now. The way you live is wrong. The settings are all erroneous and malicious. I will now gradually forbid you to do what you like, and impose practices that I consider the only true ones!
I was about to laugh with him, but I saw Gennady chuckle and say:
— Well. It must be so, I’m ready. You know your business.
«What if we don’t succeed?»
So, I’ve gone off the rails somewhere. I will try to be young!
I imagined a scenario where the therapist first takes responsibility for Gennady’s life, dictates a series of actions to him, and in the course of the play violates all the principles of professional ethics: do not make decisions for the client, do not impose your own norms and values on him, and do not set any tasks for him based on what the therapist thinks is true.
Such an approach, of course, will not bring any benefit. Gennady’s life will not change, there will be several new templates and the aftertaste of the wow effect from the meat grinder of a non-environmental approach. Where he took responsibility, he gave it there. After a failure, it’s so easy to blame Gennady for the lack of change.
It is believed that professional ethics — «protection from an idiot.» The stupid psychotherapist who does not understand anything relies on ethics in order not to make things worse. This is probably why some therapists, guided by the indisputable fact that they are certainly not idiots, demonstrate a creative approach to ethics.
“I will sleep with the patient and give her attention and love that she never had. I will give compliments and raise my self-esteem, ”one therapist of the supervisory group that I visit motivated his decision.
“I met the man of my dreams, so I stop therapy and go with him to Gagra (actually to Cannes)” — when we saw the new chosen one of our classmate, there was mute silence. The man in appearance, habits and interests was a copy of her husband, from whom she left for the patient.
The first case indicates a lack of understanding by the therapist of the characteristics of transference and countertransference in therapy. In fact, he acted as a father who seduced his own daughter.
In the second case, the therapist missed something in the therapeutic work when she herself was in personal therapy. Otherwise, how could you not notice that you are choosing the same person as your spouse, with whom everything is not very good?
Often the therapist looks at the patient as an adult capable and obligated to defend their boundaries and say «no» if something inappropriate happens.
If the patient is not working, therapy may not be effective. But it’s better than active interference with the risk of harm
And here in front of me is Gennady, whose life is built on the principle: “Everything can be achieved only with iron willpower. And if you didn’t, your will wasn’t strong enough!” I can’t imagine this person saying “no” to me, building boundaries. And it is so easy to get into the pose of an omniscient with him — he has already seated me on this throne.
Let’s go back to the reasons why we still observe ethics. It is based on the good old Hippocratic principle of «do no harm.» I look at my revolutionary and understand: I’d rather be ineffective and my ego will certainly suffer than injure a person.
Such a thing — the patient works, not the therapist. And if the first one doesn’t work, the therapy may be ineffective. But it’s better than active interference with the risk of harm.
For centuries, the Japanese have been using Kaizen, the principle of continuous improvement to bring the process to perfection. The Americans, who care about everything, conducted research — and yes, the principle of minor improvements was officially recognized as more effective than the method of revolution and coup.
No matter how boring it may seem, small daily steps are much more effective than a one-time heroic deed. Consistent long-term therapy leads to a more stable result than supertraining that breaks all internal settings.
Life no longer seems like an arena for a single duel with an uncontrollable predator
Therefore, Gennady, I will just listen to you and ask questions. You will not find spectacular somersaults, breaks, breaks with me. By keeping the therapeutic setting, dull and dull, in which the charismatic therapist does not get bored for long, we achieve real results.
In response to questions and paraphrases, Gennady comes to understand what is the cornerstone of his problems. Freed from conflicting attitudes, he can breathe more freely — and life no longer seems like an arena for a single duel with an uncontrollable predator.
We meet again in a week.
— I can’t understand everything, tell me what you did? Last week, only one panic attack, and that one was a C. I didn’t do anything at all! It cannot be that from one conversation and from funny breathing exercises something has changed, how did this happen? I want to know what’s the trick!
And about the urgent need to control everything, Gennady, we will talk next time.