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How to become a mother-in-law before being a mother?
When it’s time to sleep in with her lover, Jessica has to get up to prepare breakfast for her new darling’s children. Like her, many young women are in a relationship with a man who is already a father. They often give up the comfort of living as a “childless” couple even though they have not yet experienced motherhood themselves. In practice, they live in a blended family and have to be accepted by children. Not always easy.
Being a new partner and stepmother at the same time
“I am the ‘mother-in-law’, as they say, of a two-and-a-half-year-old boy. My relationship with him is going very well, he is adorable. I quickly found my place by keeping a somewhat fun role: I tell him stories, we cook together. What is difficult to live with is realizing that, even if he likes me, when he is sad, he rejects me and calls for his father, ”testifies Emilie, 2 years old. For specialist Catherine Audibert, everything is a question of patience. The trio formed by the new partner, the child and the father, must find its cruising speed to become a blended family in its own right. It is not as easy as it seems. “The reorganization of a family often generates problems within the couple and between the step-parent and the child. Even if the new companion does everything possible to make it go well, she confronts the reality which, more often than not, is very different from what she had imagined. Everything will depend on what she experienced in her childhood, with her parents. If she suffered from an authoritarian father or from a complicated divorce, the pains of the past will be revived by the new family configuration, especially with the children of her companion, ”indicates the psychotherapist.
Finding your place in the blended family
One question mainly torments these women: what role should they have with their partner’s child? “Above all, you have to be patient to establish a stable relationship with the other’s child. We must not brutally impose a way of educating, nor be in perpetual conflict. An advice : everyone must take their time to tame. We must not forget that the children have already lived, they received an education from their mother and father before the separation. The new mother-in-law will have to deal with this reality and with already established habits. Another important thing: it will all depend on what this woman represents in the child’s mind. We must not forget that it takes a new place in the heart of their father. How did the divorce go, is she “responsible” for it? The family balance that the mother-in-law seeks to establish will also depend on the role she had, or not, in the separation of the child’s parents, ”explains the specialist. Change of house, rhythm, bed … the child sometimes has trouble living differently before the divorce. Accepting to come to his father’s house, discovering that he has a new “sweetheart” is not easy for a child. It may take a long time. Sometimes things even go wrong, for example, when the mother-in-law asks the child to do something, the child may reply curtly “that she is not his mother”. The couple must be united and consistent in their position at this time. “An appropriate response is to explain to children that indeed, it is not their mother, but that it is a referent adult who lives with their father and who forms a new couple. The father and his new companion must respond with the same voice to the children. It is also important for the future, if they ever have a child together. All children must receive the same education, children from the previous union, and those from the new union, ”observes the specialist.
For the woman who is not yet a mother, what does that change?
Young women who choose a family life when they have not yet had a child, will live a sentimental experience very different from their girlfriends in a childless couple. “A woman who comes into the life of an often older man who had previously had children first gives up on being the first woman to give birth to him. She will not live the “honeymoon” of newly formed couples, thinking only of them. The man, meanwhile, has just separated and will have in mind everything that affects children near or far. He is not in a 100% romantic relationship, ”explains Catherine Audibert. Some women may feel left out of their partner’s main concerns. “When these women, who have never experienced motherhood, choose a man who is already a father, it is in reality the father figure who seduces them. Often, in my experience as a psychoanalyst, I notice that these father-companions are “better” than the father they had in their childhood. They see in him paternal qualities that they appreciate, that they seek for themselves. He is the “ideal” man in a way, like a potentially “perfect” man-father for the future children they will have together ”, indicates the shrink. Many of these women think, in fact, of the day when they will want to have a child with their companion. A mother speaks of this delicate feeling: “Caring for her children makes me desperate to have my own babies, except that my partner is not yet ready to start over. I also ask myself a lot of questions about how her children will accept her when they are older. Instinctively, I tend to think that the closer the children are, the better it will be in a blended sibling. I’m afraid that this new baby will not be really accepted by his big brothers, since they will have a big gap. It is not yet for tomorrow, but I admit that it disturbs me ”, testifies Aurélie, young woman of 27 years, in couple with a man and father of two children.
Accept that his companion already has a family
For other women, it is the current family life that can be worrying for the future project of the couple. “In fact, what really bothers me is that my man, in the end, will have two families in fact. As he was married, he has already experienced the pregnancy of another woman, he knows perfectly well how to take care of a child. Suddenly, I feel a little lonely when we want to have a baby. I’m afraid of being compared, of doing worse than him or his ex-wife. And above all, selfishly, I would have preferred to build our family of 3. Sometimes I have the impression that her son is like an intruder between us. There are the difficulties related to custody, alimony, I really did not think I was going through all of that ! », Testifies Stéphanie, 31, in a relationship with a man, father of a little boy. There are some advantages, however, according to the psychotherapist. When the mother-in-law becomes a mother in her turn, she will welcome her children more serenely, into an already formed family. She will have already lived with young children and will have acquired maternal experience. The only fear these women have would be that they are not up to the task. Just like those who become mothers for the first time.