Do you ever feel jealous of a friend or loved one? Conversely, your life seems so fulfilling in the eyes of others that you seem to create a certain envy in them? Don’t worry: this feeling of jealousy is normal, sometimes even inevitable. Here are some ideas to think about and move forward … You can already, at first, ask yourself under what circumstances it happens to you to feel jealousy or envy, and observe this feeling, before being able to also accept it.

A new discipline of psychology was born at the end of the 1990s: it is positive psychology. Tal Ben-Sahar, professor at Harvard, taught it for many years. This branch of psychology offers many ways to improve your life, sometimes using very simple and concrete practical exercises. Tal Ben-Sahar writes, thus, in his work Learn to be happy, that one day, during a joint conference, he had felt jealous of a friend, an excellent orator who had captivated the listeners by his eloquence.

He finally decided to tell this friend about it, “both to confide and to ask for an opinion“. And what did this relative answer him? He confessed to having felt the same, too, seeing Tal Ben-Sahar at work! The two then spoke at length about their personal experiences, particularly around jealousy … “This fact alone has comforted and brought us together“, Wrote Tal Ben-Sahar again. His conclusion: this feeling, also called envy, is normal, and even seems inevitable. We don’t choose to be jealous!

In the face of a reaction of jealousy, two decisions must be made. On the one hand, we can either refuse or accept our emotional reaction, and therefore, in fact, repress or admit what is a reality. On the other hand, we can act in inclination with its initial reaction, and then for example stop working with people of whom we are jealous, or on the contrary manage to go beyond this first impression, which will lead us to establish a large number of people. alliances with competent people.

This second solution implies that we have previously accepted our feelings. And above all: not to deny this feeling of jealousy, but also to try to understand the reason for it. Because otherwise, being envious can sometimes lead, according to Tal Ben-Shahar, “to frequently accuse people and therefore to be unfair to them«.

Have you ever felt envious, or felt jealousy? Start by observing this feeling. Then accept it.

It is indeed not advisable to suppress unwanted thoughts or feelings, such as envy or jealousy: this can indeed have serious consequences. It is the psychologist Leonard Newman who, following some research work on what is called “defensive projection”, wrote, with his team: “When we refuse to admit our own faults, we have a strong tendency to perceive the same in others.. ” We can even perceive unwelcome ideas and emotions, such as jealousy, in everyone around us! When in fact, very often, they are not there …

Tal Ben Shahar thus advises to evoke these feelings of envy with the person concerned or to put them in writing. “Merely admitting that you’ve been jealous or envious by talking about it or writing it down in black and white often helps soften and overcome the emotion.“, He concludes. For the American psychologist and philosopher William James, finally, “accepting events is the first step in overcoming misfortune“… To accept, in the end, to be what one is, simply, to also be aware that all of us are imperfect, and that the other does not necessarily have more than oneself, despite sometimes appearances…

If you find yourself a generous person, you will have a hard time accepting envious reactions. And yet: if you want to be in good mental health, it is above all essential to accept what you feel: in short, “to accept reality«.

And one can, in fact, be a little more indulgent towards oneself: like success, failure is part of life considered to be satisfactory. Feeling jealousy or anger and even sometimes not accepting yourself “it is simply to be – and perfectly – human“, Wrote Tahar Ben Shahar again.

Ultimately, each of us has successes and failures. And it turns out to be illusory to believe that it is possible to be in perfect acceptance, and thus to be perfectly serene. To stop being envious, you must also know how to savor your own happiness, be aware of your assets, and learn satisfaction. And not to see what one has less compared to others, but to be in harmony with oneself …

We all suffer from setbacks. And finally, why not listen to the psychotherapist and American writer Nathalien Branden, specialist in self-esteem, when he points out that “the first step towards change is awareness. The second is acceptance»?