Anger management for children

When a child «turns up the volume» at home, parents tend to send the child to a secluded place to calm down.

However, this is how adults convey non-verbal messages:

• “No one cares why you cry. We don’t care about your problems and we won’t help you deal with them.»
• “Angry is bad. You are a bad person if you get angry and behave differently from what others expect.”
• “Your anger scares us. We don’t know how to help you deal with your feelings.»
• «When you feel anger, the best way to deal with it is to pretend it’s not there.»

We were brought up in the same way, and we do not know how to manage anger — we were not taught this in childhood, and now we yell at children, throw a tantrum to our spouse, or simply eat our anger with chocolate and cakes or drink alcohol.

Anger management

Let’s help children take responsibility for and manage their anger. To do this, you need to teach them to accept their anger and not splash it out on others. When we accept this feeling, we find resentment, fear and sadness underneath it. If you allow yourself to experience them, then the anger goes away, because it is only a means of reactive defense.

If a child learns to endure the difficulties of daily life without reactive anger, in adulthood he will be more effective in negotiating and achieving goals. Those who know how to manage their emotions are called emotionally literate.

Emotional literacy of a child is formed when we teach him that all the feelings he experiences are normal, but his behavior is already a matter of choice.

The child is angry. What to do?

How do you teach your child to express emotions correctly? Instead of punishing him when he gets angry and naughty, change your behavior.

1. Try to prevent the fight-or-flight response

Take two deep breaths and remind yourself that nothing bad happened. If the child sees that you are reacting calmly, he will gradually learn to deal with anger without triggering the stress response.

2. Listen to the child. Understand what upset him

All people worry that they are not heard. And children are no exception. If the child feels that they are trying to understand him, he calms down.

3. Try to look at the situation through the eyes of a child.

If the child feels that you support and understand him, he is more likely to “dig out” the reasons for anger in himself. You don’t have to agree or disagree. Show your child that you care about his feelings: “My dear, I’m so sorry that you think I don’t understand you. You must be feeling so alone.»

4. Don’t take personally what he says out loud.

It is painful for parents to hear reproaches, insults and categorical statements addressed to them. Paradoxically, the child does not mean at all what he shouts in anger.

The daughter does not need a new mother, and she does not hate you. She is offended, frightened and feels her own impotence. And she screams hurtful words so that you understand how bad she is. Tell her, “You must be very upset if you say this to me. Tell me what happened. I am listening to you carefully.»

When a girl understands that she does not have to raise her voice and say hurtful phrases in order to be heard, she will learn to express her feelings in a more civilized way.

5. Set Boundaries That Shouldn’t Be Crossed

Stop physical manifestations of anger. Firmly and calmly tell your child that harming others is unacceptable: “You are very angry. But you can’t beat people, no matter how angry and upset you are. You can stomp your feet to show how angry you are, but you can’t fight.»

6. Do not try to have educational conversations with your child

Did your son get an A in physics and now he’s screaming that he’s going to drop out of school and leave home? Say that you understand his feelings: “You are so upset. I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time at school.»

7. Remind yourself that angry outbursts are a natural way for a child to blow off steam.

Children have not yet fully formed neural connections in the frontal cortex, which is responsible for controlling emotions. Even adults can’t always manage anger. The best way to help your child develop neural connections is to show empathy. If a child feels supported, he feels trust and closeness to his parents.

8. Remember that anger is a defensive reaction.

Anger arises as a response to a threat. Sometimes this threat is external, but most often it is inside a person. Once we suppressed and drove inside fear, sadness or resentment, and from time to time something happens that awakens former feelings. And we turn on fight mode to suppress those feelings again.

When a child is upset about something, perhaps the problem lies in unspoken fears and unshed tears.

9. Help your child deal with anger

If the child expresses his anger and you treat him with compassion and understanding, the anger goes away. She only hides what the child really feels. If he can cry and talk aloud about fears and grievances, anger is not needed.

10. Try to be as close as possible

Your child needs a person who loves him, even when he is angry. If anger is a physical threat to you, move to a safe distance and explain to your child, “I don’t want you to hurt me, so I’m going to sit in a chair. But I’m there and I can hear you. And I’m always ready to hug you.»

If your son yells, “Go away,” say, “You are asking me to leave, but I cannot leave you alone with such terrible feelings. I’ll just move away.»

11. Take care of your safety

Usually children do not want to hurt their parents. But sometimes in this way they achieve understanding and sympathy. When they see that they are listening and accepting their feelings, they stop hitting you and start crying.

If a child hits you, step back. If he continues to attack, take his wrist and say, “I don’t want this fist coming towards me. I see how angry you are. You can hit your pillow, but you mustn’t hurt me.»

12. Do not try to analyze the child’s behavior

Sometimes children experience grievances and fears that they cannot express in words. They accumulate and pour out into fits of anger. Sometimes a child just needs to cry.

13. Let your child know that you understand the reason for his anger.

Say, «Baby, I understand what you wanted… I’m sorry it happened.» This will help reduce stress.

14. After the child has calmed down, talk to him

Avoid an edifying tone. Talk about feelings: “You were so upset”, “You wanted to, but…”, “Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.”

15. Tell stories

The child already knows that he was wrong. Tell him a story: “When we get angry, as you were angry with your sister, we forget how much we love another person. We think that this person is our enemy. Truth? Each of us experiences something similar. Sometimes I even want to hit a person. But if you do it, you will regret it later…”

Emotional literacy is a sign of a civilized person. If we want to teach children how to manage anger, we need to start with ourselves.

About the Author: Laura Marham is a psychologist and author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids.