Contents
- 1. You have a grudge or unhealed mental wounds.
- 2. You still can’t talk about your ex.
- 3. The mere thought that he is dating someone makes you feel uncomfortable.
- 4. You imagine that you are back together.
- 5. You feel lonely
- 6. You are always looking for information about the former / former
- 7. You expect your ex to be the way you always wanted them to be.
After a breakup, there is often a temptation to remain friends. It seems like a perfectly reasonable and mature approach. After all, you were so close to this person. But sometimes trying to build friendships with an ex-partner does more harm than good.
“Even if you can become friends after a breakup (which isn’t for everyone), it’s best not to rush into it,” says Susan J. Elliot, author of How to Get Over a Breakup. She advises after the end of the relationship to pause at least six months before thinking about friendship. The duration of this pause depends on the particular couple, the seriousness of the relationship and the circumstances of the breakup.
“You need to take a break from each other and enter the new role of a free person. You will need time and distance to get over the grief of a breakup. Even if you broke up amicably, everyone needs time to deal with their feelings, ”says Elliot.
Some people are great at being friends with an ex. But if that prospect doesn’t appeal to you, that’s okay too. If a partner treated you badly or the relationship was dysfunctional, then it is better not to try to remain friends, it will not end in anything good.
If you decide to try to continue communication, how do you know that you are ready for this? Here are 7 signs showing that it’s too early to think about it.
1. You have a grudge or unhealed mental wounds.
The consequences of a breakup cannot be overcome in a day. It will take time to get over this grief. It is important not to suppress emotions, but to allow yourself to feel everything: sadness, discontent, rejection, resentment. If you have not fully understood your feelings, then most likely you are not yet ready to be friends with a former partner.
You can try journaling to clarify and express thoughts and feelings.
“After a breakup, it’s natural to feel pain, anger, or other difficult emotions. But you can no longer discuss it with him, because there is no previous relationship and never will be, ”says San Francisco psychotherapist Kathleen Dahlen de Vos.
Try to sort out your feelings first. “If you need support, a therapist or a loyal and impartial friend can help. Or you can, for example, try journaling to clarify and express thoughts and feelings,” she recommends.
2. You still can’t talk about your ex.
If every time you talk about your ex, you start to monologue or start crying, this is a sign that you are not ready to become friends.
“Maybe you are avoiding feelings and your grief, or you still think about him/her all the time. When the bitter emotions are fully experienced, you will be able to talk about the relationship in a completely calm way. Before becoming friends, it is important to understand what lessons you have learned and what mistakes you have made,” says California psychotherapist Tina Tessina.
3. The mere thought that he is dating someone makes you feel uncomfortable.
Among friends, it is perfectly normal to discuss what is happening in everyone’s life, including in their personal lives. If you feel sick when you imagine your ex or ex with someone else, it can get in the way of a true friendship. “Friends tell each other who they meet. If it still hurts you to hear about it, you are clearly not ready for this, ”says Tina Tessina.
De Vos offers to take a little test. Imagine that you and your ex are sitting in a cafe and see a notification on their phone that a match has been found in a dating app. What will you feel? Nothing? Irritation? sadness?
“Friends support each other in life’s difficulties and trials. If you are not ready for the fact that the former (former) will talk about new partners, then it is better to postpone joint trips to the cafe, ”says Kathleen Dalen de Vos.
4. You imagine that you are back together.
Ask yourself why you want to be friends with your ex. Maybe deep down you are hoping for a return to a relationship? If that’s the case, don’t try to become friends just yet. This can make it difficult to leave the past in the past and move on.
“It’s almost impossible to develop healthy friendships when you have ulterior motives. You only risk hurting yourself more. Better think about what you lack, what love relationships gave, than you can replace it, ”advises Chicago psychotherapist Anna Poss.
Kathleen Dahlen de Vos, too, emphasizes that trying to become friends in the secret hope of someday becoming lovers again is a very unhealthy idea. You think: «If we start talking again and going somewhere together, he / she will regret the breakup» or «we can rekindle the faded love.» Unfortunately, most likely such hopes will only bring pain, disappointment and resentment.
5. You feel lonely
If loneliness torments you after a breakup, you may want to maintain at least some contact — even if just friendly.
Often, after a breakup, there is an excess of free time, especially if you used to live together and your social circle mainly consisted of friends and relatives of your partner. Now that you’re feeling lonely, you may be tempted to reconnect with him under the guise of friendship.
You shouldn’t be friends with your ex just to keep an eye on what’s going on in his life.
“The opportunity to return to the old and familiar way of life, while convincing yourself that you are “just friends” seems very tempting. This is a short-term consolation, but can lead to the fact that a fickle love relationship begins again. This is fraught with even greater mutual misunderstanding, uncertainty, and ultimately deep dissatisfaction, ”says Zainab Delavalla, a clinical psychologist from Atlanta.
There are other ways to deal with loneliness. Revisit old hobbies, go out with family, or volunteer with a charity.
6. You are always looking for information about the former / former
If you have an obsessive need to constantly check your ex-partner’s Instagram (banned in Russia) for updates on where he is and with whom, you’re not ready to be friends just yet.
“If you want to know the details of the life of the ex / ex, but are not ready to ask directly, you may still have an internal conflict or you are simply not ready to accept the fact that he now lives his own life,” says Kathleen Dalen de Vos.
7. You expect your ex to be the way you always wanted them to be.
You shouldn’t be friends with your ex just to keep an eye on what’s going on in his life, secretly hoping that he will magically change. This is unhealthy behavior and a waste of time.
“If you broke up due to incompatibility of characters or serious problems (alcoholism, betrayal, gambling), you can hardly hope for significant changes. Plus, by trying to get your past partner back, you’re missing out on meeting someone else,» Delavalla says.
Source: Huffington Post