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They bicker, bicker, jealousy … No worries, their inevitable arguments and their healthy rivalry create emulation and are a real laboratory for building and learning to live in society …
Don’t deny their jealousy
Arguing between brothers and sisters, to be jealous is normal, so don’t try to impose perfect fictitious harmony ! In the imagination of the little ones, the love of parents is a big cake divided into pieces. These shares logically decrease with the number of children and they feel aggrieved… We must make them understand that the love and the hearts of parents grow and multiply with the number of children and that a parent can love two, three or four children at the same time and equally strong.
Differentiate them as much as possible
Do not compare them with each other, on the contrary, underline the strengths, tastes, style of each. Especially if there are only girls or only boys. Say to the eldest: “You draw well… Your brother is a hit with football. Another error, the “group fire”. Saying “Come on kids, grown-ups, little ones, girls, boys” puts everyone in the same basket! Give up raising them in the illusion of all the same. Giving the same number of fries, buying the same T-shirts… are all bad ideas that ignite jealousy. Do not give the older child a small gift if it is the younger’s birthday. We celebrate the birth of a child not of siblings! You can, however, encourage him to give his brother a gift as well, which is gratifying. And book one-on-one for everyone. These moments of shared intimacy will prove that everyone is unique, as will your love.
Don’t stop bickering
Clashes between brother and sister have a function: to take their place, to mark their territory and to respect each other. If there is an alternation between fights and moments of complicity and games, all is well, the fraternal bond is in the process of being self-regulated. There is no reason to worry or to feel challenged in his legitimacy as good parents if the children bicker.
Don’t censor them, listen to their complaints and reframe : “I can see that you are angry. You don’t have to love your brothers and sisters. But you must respect them, as we must respect any person. ” Stay clear in case of small hitches. Arguments often end as quickly as they started. Provided that the parents remain at a distance and do not seek to find themselves at the center of the relationship. It is useless to intervene each time and above all do not pronounce the trick question: “Who started?” Because it is unverifiable. Give them a chance to resolve the conflict on their own.
Intervene if children come to blows
The belligerents must be physically separated if one of them is found in danger or if it is always the same who is in the position of submission. Then take the attacker by the arm, look him straight in the eye and recall the rules: “It is forbidden to beat each other or to insult each other in our family. “ Verbal violence as much as physical violence is to be avoided.
Punish by being fair
Nothing is worse for a little one than being wrongly punished, and since it is difficult to know exactly who made matters worse, it is preferable to opt for a light sanction for each of the children. Like, for example, isolation in the bedroom for a few minutes and then the execution of a drawing intended for his brother or sister as a pledge of a message of reconciliation and peace. Because if you punish too hard, you risk turning a passing disagreement into stubborn resentment.
Underline the moments of cordial understanding
We are often more attentive to moments of crisis than to moments of harmony. And it is wrong. When silence reigns in the house, express your satisfaction : “What are you playing well, it makes me very happy to see you so happy together!” »Offer them games to share. We bicker more if we are bored! Try to punctuate their day with sports activities, outings, walks, painting, board games, cooking …
Do all parents have a favorite?
According to a recent British poll, 62% of parents surveyed say they prefer one of their children to others. According to them, the preference translates into paying more attention and spending more time with one of the children. In 25% of cases, it is the eldest the favorite because they can share more activities and interesting discussions with him. This survey is surprising because the existence of a darling in families is a taboo subject! The darling challenges the myth that parents would love all their children the same! This is a myth because things can never be the same in siblings, children are unique individuals and therefore it is normal to view them differently.
If siblings are very envious of the privileges of the parents’ chosen one or the one they perceive as such, is it really the best place? Certainly not ! To spoil a child too much and give everything to him is not really to love him. Because to become a fulfilled adult, a child needs framework and limits. If he takes himself for the king of the world among his brothers and sisters, he risks becoming disillusioned outside the family cocoon, because other children, teachers, adults in general, will treat him like everyone else. Overprotected, over-valued, ignoring patience, a sense of effort, tolerance for frustration, the darling often finds himself unsuited to school first, then to work and to social life in general. In short, being the favorite is not a panacea, on the contrary!