6 things you need to know about healthy relationships

“Healthy relationships don’t have to work. And if you still have to work, then it’s time to disperse. “We have to have great compatibility. If therapy is needed, then the relationship is over.” «The partner must know what I want and what I need.» «Happy couples never argue; quarrels ruin relationships.»

Here are just a few examples of misconceptions about healthy relationships. I think it’s important to remember them, because thoughts influence how we behave and perceive the union. By thinking that therapy is only for those who are close to divorce and who have real problems, you may be missing out on a way to improve relationships. Believing that the partner should guess what you need, you do not talk about desires directly, but beat around the bush, feeling dissatisfied and offended. Finally, thinking that no effort is needed to develop a relationship, you will try to end it at the first sign of conflict, although it could strengthen your bond.

Our attitudes can help you get closer to your partner, but they can also force you to leave and feel miserable. Experts identify several important signs of a healthy relationship that everyone should know about.

1. Healthy Relationships Are Not Always Balanced

According to family therapist Mara Hirschfeld, couples do not always support each other equally: this ratio may not be 50/50, but rather 90/10. Let’s say your wife has a lot of work, and she has to stay in the office every day not until night. At this time, the husband takes care of all the household chores and takes care of the children. My husband’s mother is diagnosed with cancer next month and he needs emotional support and help around the house. Then the wife is included in the process. The main thing is that both partners support each other in difficult times and remember that such a ratio is not forever.

Hirschfeld is sure that you need to soberly assess how much resources you are currently spending on relationships, and talk about it openly. It is also important to maintain trust in the family and not try to discern malicious intent in everything. So, in a healthy relationship, the partner thinks not “she is at work because she doesn’t give a damn,” but “she really needs to do this.”

2. These relationships also have conflicts.

We, people, are complex, everyone has their own beliefs, desires, thoughts and needs, which means that conflicts in communication cannot be avoided. Even identical twins with the same DNA, who were raised in the same family, are often completely different in character.

But, according to psychotherapist Clinton Power, in a healthy couple, partners always discuss what happened, because over time the unresolved conflict only gets worse, and the spouses experience regret and bitterness.

3. Spouses are faithful to their wedding vows

Psychologist Peter Pearson believes that those who wrote their own wedding vows already have the perfect recipe for marriage. These promises are better than advice given to newlyweds by loved ones. Such vows prescribe to be together in joy and in sorrow, and remind you to always remain a loving partner.

Many promises are difficult to keep: for example, always see only the good in a partner. But even if in a healthy couple one spouse has difficult times, the second will always support him — this is how strong relationships are created.

4. Partner always comes first

In other words, in such a pair they know how to prioritize, and the partner will always be more important than other people and events, Clinton Power believes. Suppose you were going to meet friends, but your partner wants to stay at home. So you reschedule the meeting and spend time with him. Or the spouse wants to watch a movie that you are not interested in, but you decide to watch it together anyway to spend this time with each other. If he admits that he doesn’t feel connected to you lately, you cancel all your plans to be with him.

5. Even healthy relationships can hurt.

Mara Hirschfeld says that one of the partners can sometimes make an ironic comment, while the other becomes defensive. Shouting or rudeness in this case is a way of self-defense. More often than not, the reason is that your partner was abused by a parent as a child, and is now sensitive to the other person’s tone and facial expressions, as well as evaluative comments.

The therapist believes that we tend to overreact to situations in which we feel unloved, unwanted, or unworthy of attention—in short, those that remind us of old traumas. The brain reacts in a special way to triggers that are associated with early childhood and those who raised us. “If the connection with the parents was unsteady or unpredictable, this can affect the worldview. A person may feel that the world is not safe and that people are not to be trusted,” he explains.

6. Partners protect each other

Clinton Power is sure that in such a union, the spouses not only protect each other from painful experience, but also take care of themselves. They will never harm each other either in public or behind closed doors.

According to Power, if your relationship is really healthy, you will never take the side of someone who attacks your partner, but, on the contrary, rush to protect your loved one. And if the situation raises questions, discuss them with your partner in person, and not in front of everyone. If someone quarrels with your lover, you will not play the role of an intermediary, but will advise you to resolve all issues directly.

In summary, a healthy union is one in which both partners are willing to take emotional risks and to constantly work on the relationship with love and patience. In any relationship, there is a place for both mistakes and forgiveness. It’s important to acknowledge that you and your partner are imperfect and that’s okay. Relationships don’t have to be perfect to satisfy us and make life meaningful. Yes, conflicts and misunderstandings sometimes happen, but if the union is built on trust and support, it can be considered healthy.