21 ways to avoid conflict and build relationships with your child

1. Ignore bad behavior

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Sometimes parents themselves encourage the child’s bad behavior by paying attention to it. Attention can be both positive (praise) and negative (criticism), but sometimes a complete lack of attention can be a solution to a child’s misbehavior. If you understand that your attention only provokes the child, try to restrain yourself. The Ignore Technique can be very effective, but it must be done correctly. Here are a few conditions to keep in mind:

• Ignoring means completely ignoring. Do not react to the child in any way — do not shout, do not look at him, do not talk to him. (Keep a close eye on the child, but do something about it.)
• Completely ignore the child until he stops misbehaving. This can take 5 or 25 minutes, so be patient.
• Other family members in the same room as you should also ignore the child.
• As soon as the child stops misbehaving, you should praise him. For example, you can say: “I’m so glad you stopped screaming. I don’t like it when you scream like that, it hurts my ears. Now that you’re not screaming, I’m much better.» The «Ignore Technique» requires patience, and most importantly, do not forget you are not ignoring the child, but his behavior.

2. Leave

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Once I met a young mother, her daughter was surprisingly well-behaved and sat next to me all the time. I asked my mother what the secret of such exemplary behavior was. The woman replied that when her daughter starts to act up and scream, she just leaves, sits somewhere at a distance and smokes. At the same time, she sees her child and, if necessary, can always quickly approach. When leaving, the mother does not give in to the whims of her daughter and does not allow herself to be manipulated.

Children of any age can drive moms and dads to such a state that parents lose control over themselves. If you feel like you are losing control of yourself, you need time to recover. Give yourself and your child time to calm down. Smoking is an option, but not recommended.

3. Use a distraction

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Another way to avoid aggravating the situation is to divert the attention of the child. Best of all, this method works before the child becomes naughty so that you will no longer get through to him.

It is very easy to distract a baby, for example, with a toy or other desired object for him. But once the kids are older (after age 3), you’ll need to be more creative to focus their attention on something completely different from the subject of the fight.

For example, imagine that your child is stubbornly reaching for another stick of chewing gum. You forbid him and offer fruit instead. The kid disperses in earnest. Don’t stuff him with food, immediately choose another activity: say, start playing with a yo-yo or show him a trick. At this point, any «edible» replacement would remind the baby that he never got the chewing gum.

Such a sudden change of actions can save your child from the power of a single desire. It will also allow you to give your new proposal a certain shade of foolishness, play on the curiosity of your child, or (at this age) spice everything up with gooey humor. One mother said: “My four-year-old Jeremy and I had a complete quarrel: he wanted to touch fine china in the gift shop, but I did not allow it. He was about to stomp his feet when I suddenly asked: “Hey, didn’t a bird’s butt flash through the window there?” Jeremy immediately snapped out of his angry slumber. «Where?» he demanded. In an instant, the quarrel was forgotten. Instead, we began to wonder what kind of bird it was, judging by the color and size of the bottom that showed up in the window, as well as what he should have for dinner in the evening. An end to the rage.»

Remember: the sooner you intervene and the more original your distraction proposal is, the higher your chances of success.

4. Change of scenery

Age

• children from 2 to 5

It is also good to physically take the child out of a difficult situation. A change of scenery often allows both children and parents to stop feeling stuck. Which spouse should pick up the child? Not at all the one who is more “concerned” with the problem, contrary to popular belief. (This subtly supports the “mom is in charge” paradigm.) Such a mission should be entrusted to the parent, who at this particular moment is showing great cheerfulness and flexibility. Get ready: when the environment changes, your child will be even more upset at first. But if you manage to get past that point, both of you will no doubt begin to calm down.

5. Use a replacement

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

If the child does not do what is required, keep him busy with what is necessary. Children need to be taught how, where and when to behave properly. It is not enough for a child to say: “This is not the way to do it.” He needs to explain how to act in this case, that is, show an alternative. Here are some examples:

• If the child is drawing with a pencil on the couch, give him a coloring book.
• If your daughter takes her mother’s cosmetics, buy her children’s cosmetics that can be easily washed off.
• If the child throws stones, play ball with him.

When your child plays with something fragile or dangerous, just give him another toy instead. Children are easily carried away and find an outlet for their creative and physical energy in everything.

Your ability to quickly find a replacement for a child’s unwanted behavior can save you from many problems.

6. Strong hugs

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5

Under no circumstances should children be allowed to harm themselves or others. Don’t let your child fight, not with you or anyone else, even if it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes mothers, unlike fathers, tolerate when small children try to hit them. Many men complain to me about the «humiliation» their wives endure by allowing angry toddlers to beat them, and that such patience spoils the child. For their part, mothers are often afraid to fight back, so as not to «suppress» the child’s morale.

It seems to me that in this case, the popes are usually right, and there are several reasons for this. Fighting children behave the same way not only at home, but also in other places, with strangers. In addition, it is very difficult to get rid of the bad habit of reacting to something with physical violence later. You don’t want your kids to grow up believing that mom (read women) will endure just about anything, even physical abuse.

Here is one very effective way to teach your child to keep his hands to himself: hug him tightly, preventing him from kicking and fighting. Say firmly and authoritatively, «I won’t let you fight.» Again, no magic — be prepared. At first, he will squeal even louder and beat in your hands with a vengeance. It is at this moment that you need to hold it especially tightly. Little by little, the child will begin to feel your firmness, conviction and your strength, he will understand that you are holding him back without harming him and not allowing sharp actions against himself — and he will begin to calm down.

7. Find the positives

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Nobody likes to be criticized. Criticism is disgusting! Children, when they are criticized, feel irritation and resentment. As a result, they are much less willing to make contact. Nevertheless, sometimes it is necessary to criticize the wrong behavior of the child. How can conflict be avoided? Soft! We all know the expression «sweeten the pill». Soften your criticism, and the child will more easily accept it. I recommend «sweetening» unpleasant words with a little praise. For example:

— Parent: “You have a wonderful voice, but you can’t sing at dinner.”

— Parent: «You’re great at football, but you have to do it on the field, not in the classroom.»

— Parent: “It’s good that you told the truth, but next time you are going to visit, ask permission first.”

8. Offer a choice

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Have you ever thought about why a child sometimes so actively resists the instructions of his parents? The answer is simple: it is a natural way of asserting your independence. Conflict can be avoided by offering the child a choice. Here are some examples:

— Food: “Will you have scrambled eggs or porridge for breakfast?” «Which would you like for dinner, carrots or corn?»

— Clothing: “Which piece of clothing will you wear to school, blue or yellow?” “Will you dress yourself, or will I help you?”

— Household duties: «Are you going to clean up before or after dinner?» “Will you take out the trash or wash the dishes?”

Letting the child choose for himself is very useful — it makes him think for himself. The ability to make decisions contributes to the development of a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem of the child. At the same time, parents, on the one hand, satisfy the offspring’s need for independence, and on the other hand, maintain control over his behavior.

9. Ask your child for a solution

Age

• children from 6 to 11

This technique is especially effective because children of primary school age (6-11 years old) are eager to take on more responsibility. Say, “Listen, Harold, you spend so much time getting dressed in the morning that we are late for school every day. Plus, I don’t get to work on time. Something must be done about this. What solution can you suggest?»

A direct question makes the child feel like a responsible person. Children understand that you do not always have answers for everything. Often they are so eager to contribute that they simply gush with suggestions.

I confess that there are reasons to doubt the effectiveness of this technique, I myself did not really believe in it. But, to my surprise, it often worked. For example, Harold suggested dressing not alone, but in the company of an older brother. This worked flawlessly for several months—a remarkable result for any parenting technique. So, when you hit a dead end, do not quarrel with your spouse. Ask your child to give you a fresh idea.

10. Hypothetical situations

Age

• children from 6 to 11

Use hypothetical situations involving another child to solve yours. For example, say, “Gabriel has a hard time sharing toys. How do you think parents can help him?” This is a wonderful opportunity for fathers and mothers to calmly, without conflict, discuss the rules of conduct with their children. But remember: you can start a conversation only in a calm environment, when passions subside.

Of course, books, television programs, and films also serve as excellent pretexts for discussing ways to solve problems that arise.

And one more thing: when you try to resort to imaginary examples, in no case do not end the conversation with a question that brings you back to «reality». For example: “Tell me, do you know the situation with Gabriel?” This will immediately destroy all good feelings and erase the valuable message that you have tried so hard to convey to him.

11. Try to evoke empathy in your child.

Age

• children from 6 to 11

For example: “It seems unfair to me that you talk to me like that. You don’t like it either.» Children 6-8 years old are so caught up in the idea of ​​justice that they can understand your point of view — if it is not said during a quarrel. When younger students (up to 11 years old) are not in a state of frustration, they are the most ardent defenders of the golden rule (“Do to others what you want them to do to you”).

For example, this technique is especially useful when you visit someone or meet in a friendly company — moments that are dangerous in that arguments between parents may flare up or there will be unwanted tension. Prepare your child so that he knows exactly what you expect from him there: “When we come to Aunt Elsie’s house, we also want to be calm and fun. Therefore, remember — be polite at the table and do not lisp. If you start doing this, we will give you this signal.” The more specific you are about exactly what you need to feel good about yourself (i.e., the less your explanation is of an authoritarian, arbitrary, impersonal «because it’s right» approach), the more likely you are to reap the benefits of your child’s philosophy. «Do the same to others…»

12. Don’t Forget Your Sense of Humor

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Something happened to us on the thorny path to adulthood. We began to take everything very seriously, perhaps even too seriously. Children laugh 400 times a day! And we, adults, about 15 times. Let’s face it, there are many things in our adult lives that we could approach with more humor, and especially with children. Humor is a great way to relieve tension, both physical and mental, to help you cope with the most difficult situations.

I remember one incident that happened to me when I was working in a shelter for homeless and abused women. Once one of them was telling me about her unsuccessful attempts to free herself from her husband, who systematically beat her, and at that moment she was interrupted by her little daughter, who began to whimper and demandingly cry for the fulfillment of her desire (I think she wanted to go swimming). The girl’s mother reacted very quickly, but instead of saying the usual «Stop whining!», she responded playfully. She portrayed an exaggerated parody of her daughter, copying the whimpering voice, hand gestures and facial expression. “Mom-ah,” she wailed. “I want to swim, mom, come on, let’s go!” The girl immediately understood the humor. She expressed great delight that her mother was behaving like a child. Mom and daughter laughed together and relaxed together. And the next time the girl turned to her mother, she no longer whimpered.

A hilarious parody is just one of the many ways to defuse a tense situation with humor. Here are some more ideas: use your imagination and acting skills. Animate inanimate objects (the gift of ventriloquism does not hurt at all). Use a book, a cup, a shoe, a sock—anything at hand—to get your way. A child who refuses to fold his toys is likely to change his mind if his favorite toy cries and says, “It’s late, I’m so tired. I want to go home. Help me!» Or, if the child does not want to brush his teeth, a toothbrush can help coax him.

Warning: Use of humor should also be done with care. Avoid sarcasm or mean jokes.

13. Teach by Example

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Children often behave, from our point of view, incorrectly; it means that an adult needs to show them how to behave correctly. For you, for the parent, the child repeats more than for anyone else. Therefore, a personal example is the best and easiest way to teach a child how to behave.

In this way, you can teach your child a lot. Here are some examples:

Small child:

• Establish eye contact.
• Empathize.
• Express love and affection.

Preschool age:

• Sit still.
• Share with others.
• Resolve conflict peacefully.

School age:

• Speak correctly on the phone.
• Take care of animals and do not hurt them.
• Spend money wisely.

If you are now careful about what kind of example you set for your child, this will help to avoid many conflicts in the future. And later you can be proud that the child has learned something good from you.

14. Everything is in order

Age

• children from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

No parent wants to turn their home into a battlefield, but it happens. One of my patients, a teenager, told me that his mother constantly criticizes him for how he eats, sleeps, combs his hair, dresses, cleans his room, with whom he communicates, how he studies and how he spends his free time. To all possible claims, the boy developed one reaction — to ignore them. When I talked to my mother, it turned out that her only desire was for her son to find a job. Unfortunately, this desire simply drowned in a sea of ​​other requests. For the boy, his mother’s disapproving remarks merged into a general unceasing stream of criticism. He began to get angry at her, and as a result, their relationship became like military action.

If you want to change a lot in the behavior of the child, carefully consider all your comments. Ask yourself which ones are the most significant and what needs to be addressed first. Throw everything that seems insignificant off the list.

Prioritize first, then take action.

15. Give clear and specific directions.

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

Parents often instruct their children, «Be a good boy,» «Be good,» «Don’t get into something,» or «Don’t drive me crazy.» However, such instructions are too vague and abstract, they simply confuse children. Your commands should be very clear and specific. For example:

Small child:

• «No!»
• «You can’t bite!»

Preschool age:

• «Stop running around the house!»
• «Eat porridge.»

School age:

• «Go home».
• «Sit on a chair and calm down.»

Try to use short sentences and formulate your thoughts as simply and clearly as possible — be sure to explain to the child those words that he does not understand. If the child is already fully speaking (at about age 3), you can also ask him to repeat your request. This will help him understand and remember it better.

16. Use sign language correctly

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

The non-verbal signals your body sends out have a significant impact on how your child perceives your words. When you are strict with your words, be sure to back up your strictness with body language as well. Sometimes parents try to give their children instructions while lying on the couch in front of the TV or with a newspaper in their hands, that is, in a relaxed state. At the same time, they say: “Stop throwing the ball in the apartment!” or «Don’t hit your sister!» The words express a stern order, while the body language remains sluggish and disinterested. When verbal and non-verbal signals contradict each other, the child receives the so-called mixed information, which misleads and confuses him. In this case, you are unlikely to achieve the desired effect.

So, how can you use body language to emphasize the seriousness of your words? First, speak directly to the child, while trying to look him or her straight in the eye. Stand up straight if possible. Put your hands on your belt or wag your finger at it. You can snap your fingers or clap your hands to get your child’s attention. All that is required of you is to ensure that the non-verbal signals sent by your body correspond to the spoken words, then your instruction will be clear and precise for the child.

17. «No» means no

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

How do you tell your child «no»? Children usually react to the tone in which you say the phrase. “No” should be said firmly and clearly. You can also raise your voice slightly, but you still shouldn’t shout (except in extreme situations).

Have you noticed how you say «no»? Often parents «send» the child ambiguous information: sometimes their «no» means «maybe» or «ask me again later.» The mother of a teenage girl once told me that she says “no” until her daughter “finally gets her,” and then she gives in and gives her consent.

When you feel that the child is trying to manipulate you or piss you off so that you change your mind, just stop talking to him. Stay calm. Let the child give vent to their emotions. You once said «no», explained the reason for the refusal and are no longer obliged to enter into any discussions. (At the same time, when explaining your refusal, try to give a simple, clear reason that the child would understand.) You do not need to defend your position in front of the child — you are not the accused, you are the judge. This is an important point, so try imagining yourself as a judge for a second. Now think about how you would say “no” to your child in this case. The parent judge would have remained absolutely calm when announcing his decision. He would speak as if his words were worth their weight in gold, he would choose expressions and not say too much.

Do not forget that you are the judge in the family and your words are your power.

And the next time the child tries to write you back as the accused, you can answer him: “I already told you about my decision. My decision is «No». Further attempts by the child to change your decision can be ignored, or in response to them, in a calm voice, repeat these simple words until the child is ready to accept.

18. Talk to your child calmly

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

In this regard, I am reminded of the old saying: «A kind word is also pleasant for a cat.» Children are often naughty, which can cause many problems, so parents should always have a “kind word” ready. I advise you to talk to your child calmly and avoid threatening notes. That is, if you are very angry, try to calm down at least a little first.

While it’s always best to respond to misbehavior right away, in this case I suggest making an exception. You need to relax. When talking to a child, be consistent, and in no case should a threat sound in your voice.

Speak slowly, weighing each word. Criticism can offend a child, make him angry and protest, make him defensive. Talking to your child in a calm tone, you will win him over, win his trust, readiness to listen to you and go towards you.

What’s the right way to talk about a child’s behavior? The most important tip: talk to your child the way you would like to be talked to. Do not scream at all (screaming always irritates and frightens children). Never humiliate or call your child names. Try also to start all sentences not with «you», but with «I». For example, instead of «You made a real pigsty in the room!» or “You’re being very bad, you can’t hit your brother,” try saying something like, “I was really upset this morning when I walked into your room. I think we should all try to keep order. I want you to pick one day a week to clean your room» or «I think you’re hurting your brother. Please don’t hit him.»

If you notice, by saying «I …», you draw the child’s attention to how you feel about his behavior. In cases like the ones we’ve just described, try letting your child know that you’re upset by their behavior.

19. Learn to listen

Age

• children under 2
• from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

If your child is old enough to talk about their misbehavior, try to listen. Try to understand how he feels. Sometimes it’s quite difficult. After all, for this you need to put aside all the affairs and give all your attention to the child. Sit next to your child so that you are at the same level with him. Look into his eyes. Do not interrupt the child while he is talking. Give him the opportunity to speak, to tell you about his feelings. You can approve them or not, but remember that the child has the right to perceive everything the way he wants. You have no complaints about feelings. Only the behavior can be wrong — that is, the way the child expresses these feelings. For example, if your offspring is angry with his friend, this is normal, but spitting in the face of a friend is not normal.

Learning to listen is not easy. I can offer a short list of what parents should pay special attention to:

• Focus all your attention on the child.
• Make eye contact with your child and, if possible, sit so that you are at the same level with him.
• Show your child that you are listening. For example, respond to his words: “a”, “I see”, “wow”, “wow”, “yeah”, “go on”.
• Show that you share the feelings of the child and understand him. For example:

Child (angrily): «A boy at school took my ball today!»

Parent (understanding): «You must be very angry!»

• Repeat what the child said, as if reflecting on his words. For example:

Child: «I don’t like the teacher, I don’t like the way she talks to me.»

Parent (thinking): «So you don’t really like the way your teacher talks to you.»

By repeating after the child, you let him know that he is being listened to, understood and agreed with him. Thus, the conversation becomes more open, the child begins to feel more confident and relaxed and more willing to share his thoughts and feelings.

Listening carefully to your child, try to understand if there is something more serious behind his misbehavior. Often, acts of disobedience—school fights, drugs, or animal cruelty—are just manifestations of deep-seated problems. Children who constantly get into some kind of trouble and misbehave, in fact, they are very worried internally and need special attention. In such cases, I believe it is necessary to seek professional help.

20. You need to threaten skillfully

Age

• children from 2 to 5
• from 6 to 12

A threat is an explanation to the child of what his unwillingness to obey will lead to. It can be quite difficult for a child to understand and accept it. For example, you could tell your son that if he doesn’t come straight home after school today, he won’t go to the park on Saturday.

Such a warning should only be given if it is real and fair, and if you really intend to keep the promise. I once heard a father threaten to send his son to a boarding school if he did not obey. Not only did he needlessly intimidate the boy, his threat had no basis, since in fact he still did not intend to resort to such extreme measures.

Over time, children begin to understand that no real consequences follow their parents’ threats, and as a result, mom and dad have to start their educational work from scratch. So, as they say, think ten times…. And if you decide to threaten a child with punishment, make sure that this punishment is understandable and fair, and be prepared to keep your word.

21. Make an agreement

Age

• children from 6 to 12

Have you ever noticed that writing is easier to remember? This explains the effectiveness of behavioral agreements. The child will better remember the rules of behavior written down on paper. Due to their effectiveness and simplicity, such agreements are often used by doctors, parents, and teachers. The behavior convention is as follows.

First, write down very clearly and clearly what the child must do and what he is not allowed to do. (It is best to consider a single rule in such an agreement.) For example:

John will go to bed every night at half past eight in the evening.

Second, describe a method for verifying that the terms of the agreement are met. Think about who will monitor the implementation of this rule, how often such a check will be carried out? For example:

Mom and Dad will come into John’s room every night at about half past eight to see if John has changed into his pajamas, gone to bed and turned off the lights.

Thirdly, indicate what punishment threatens the child in case of violation of the rule.

If John wasn’t lying in bed with the lights out at half past eight in the evening, he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the yard the next day. (During school time, he will have to go straight home after school.)

Fourth, offer your child a reward for good behavior. This clause in the behavior agreement is optional, but I still strongly recommend including it.

(Optional item) If John fulfills the terms of the agreement, once a week he will be able to invite a friend to visit.

As a reward, always choose something important for the child, this will stimulate him to follow the established rules.

Then agree on when the agreement will go into effect. Today? Starting next week? Write down the chosen date in the agreement. Go through all the points of the agreement again, make sure that they are all clear to the child, and, finally, both you and the child put your signatures.

There are two more things to keep in mind. First, the terms of the agreement must be known to the rest of the family involved in raising the child (husband, wife, grandmother). Secondly, if you want to make changes to the agreement, tell the child about it, write a new text and re-sign it.

The effectiveness of such an agreement lies in the fact that it forces you to think through a strategy for solving the problem. In case of disobedience, you will have a ready-made, pre-designed scheme of actions.