A man must be strong, invulnerable, he is a winner, a conqueror of new lands … When will we understand how these educational stereotypes cripple the psyche of boys? Clinical psychologist Kelly Flanagan reflects.
We teach our sons that boys don’t cry. Learn to hide and suppress emotions, ignore your feelings and never be weak. And if we succeed in such an upbringing, they will grow up to be “real men” … however, unhappy.
I am writing this while sitting in an empty playground outside the elementary school where my sons go. Now, in the last days of summer, it is calm and quiet here. But in a week, when the lessons begin, the school will be filled with the active energy of my children and their classmates. Also, messages. What messages will they receive from the school space about what it means to be boys and become men?
Recently, a 93-year-old pipeline burst in Los Angeles. 90 million liters of water spilled onto the streets of the city and the campus of the University of California. Why did the pipeline burst? Because Los Angeles built it, buried it, and included it in a XNUMX-year plan to replace the equipment.
When we teach boys to suppress their emotions, we prepare an explosion.
Such cases are not uncommon. For example, the pipeline that provides water to much of Washington was laid before Abraham Lincoln became president. And it has been used daily ever since. He probably won’t be remembered until he explodes. This is how we treat tap water: we bury it in the ground and forget it, and then we reap the rewards when the pipes finally cease to withstand pressure.
And that’s how we raise our men.
We tell boys that they must bury their emotions if they want to become men, bury them and ignore them until they explode. I wonder if my sons will learn what their predecessors have taught for centuries: boys should fight for attention, not compromise. They are noticed for victories, not for feelings. Boys should be firm in body and spirit, hiding any tender feelings. Boys don’t use words, they use their fists.
I wonder if my boys will draw their own conclusions about what it means to be a man: men fight, achieve and win. They control everything, including themselves. They have power and they know how to use it. Men are invulnerable leaders. They don’t have feelings, because feelings are weakness. They don’t doubt because they don’t make mistakes. And if, despite all this, a man is lonely, he should not establish new connections, but seize new lands …
The only requirement to be met at home is to be human
Last week I worked at home, and my sons and friends played in our yard. Looking out the window, I saw that one of the guys had knocked my son to the ground and was beating him. I ran down the stairs like a meteor, pushed open the front door, and snarled at the offender, “Get out of here now! Go home!»
The boy immediately rushed to the bike, but before he turned away, I noticed fear in his eyes. He was afraid of me. I blocked his aggression with my own, his anger lost to mine, his emotional outburst choked in someone else’s. I taught him to be a man… I called him back, asked him to look into my eyes and said: “No one is persecuting you, but if you feel offended by something, don’t offend others in return. Better tell us what happened.»
And then his «water supply» burst, and with such force that it surprised even me, an experienced psychotherapist. Tears flowed in streams. Feelings of rejection and loneliness flooded his face and my yard. With so much emotional water flowing through our pipes and being told to bury it all deeper, we eventually break. When we teach boys to suppress their emotions, we set up an explosion.
Next week, the playground outside my sons elementary school will be filled with messages. We cannot change their content. But after school, the boys return home, and other, our messages will sound there. We can promise them that:
- at home, you don’t need to fight for someone’s attention and keep your face;
- you can be friends with us and communicate just like that, without competition;
- here they will listen to sorrows and fears;
- the only requirement to be met at home is to be human;
- here they will make mistakes, but we will also make mistakes;
- it’s okay to cry over mistakes, we’ll find a way to say «I’m sorry» and «You’re forgiven»;
- at some point we will break all these promises.
And we also promise that when it happens, we will take it calmly. And let’s start over.
Let’s send our boys such a message. The question is not whether you will become a man or not. The question sounds different: what kind of man will you become? Will you bury your feelings deeper and flood those around you with them when the pipes burst? Or will you stay who you are? It only takes two ingredients: yourself—your feelings, fears, dreams, hopes, strengths, weaknesses, joys, sorrows—and a little time for the hormones that help your body grow. Last but not least, boys, we love you and want you to express yourself to the fullest, hiding nothing.
About the Author: Kelly Flanagan is a clinical psychologist and father of three.