There is a lot of talk these days about accepting ourselves for who we are. Some easily cope with this, others do not succeed at all — how can you love your weaknesses and shortcomings? What is acceptance and why should it not be confused with approval?
Psychologies: Many of us were taught as children that we should be critical of ourselves. And now there is more talk about acceptance, that you need to be kinder to yourself. Does this mean that we should be indulgent to our shortcomings and even vices?
Svetlana Krivtsova, psychologist: Acceptance is not synonymous with condescension or approval. “Accept something” means that I allow this something to take a place in my life, I give it the right to be. I say calmly: «Yes, that is, that is.»
Some things are easy to accept: this is a table, we sit at it and talk. There is no threat to me here. It’s hard to accept what I perceive as a threat. For example, I find out that my house is going to be demolished.
Is it possible to be calm when our house is being demolished?
To make this possible, you have to do some inner work. First of all, force yourself to stop when you want to flee or respond to the threat with aggression.
Stop and muster up the courage to start sorting out
The deeper we study some question, the sooner we come to clarity: what do I really see? And then we can accept what we see. Sometimes — with sadness, but without hatred and fear.
And, even if we decide to fight for our home, we will do it reasonably and calmly. Then we will have enough strength and the head will be clear. Then we respond not with a reaction like the reaction of flight or aggression in animals, but with a human act. I can be held accountable for my actions. This is how inner balance comes, based on understanding, and calmness in the face of what is seen: «I can be near this, it does not destroy me.»
What do I do if I can’t accept something?
Then I run away from reality. One of the options for flight is the distortion of perception when we call black white or point-blank do not see some things. This is the unconscious repression that Freud spoke of. What we have repressed turns into energetically charged black holes in our reality, and their energy constantly keeps us on our toes.
We remember that there is something that we have repressed, although we do not remember what it is.
You can’t go there and in no case can you let it out. All forces are spent on not looking into this hole, bypassing it. Such is the structure of all our fears and anxieties.
And to accept yourself, you have to look into this black hole?
Yes. Instead of closing our eyes, by an effort of will we turn ourselves towards what we don’t like, what is difficult to accept, and look: how does it work? What is it that we are so afraid of? Maybe it’s not so scary? After all, the most frightening is the unknown, muddy, obscure phenomena, something that is difficult to grasp. Everything that we have just said about the external world also applies to our relationship with ourselves.
The path to self-acceptance lies through the knowledge of the vague sides of one’s personality. If I have clarified something, I stop being afraid of it. I understand how this can be done. To accept oneself means to be interested in oneself again and again without fear.
The XNUMXth-century Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard spoke about this: “No war requires such courage, which is required by looking into oneself.” The result of the effort will be a more or less realistic picture of yourself.
But there are those who manage to feel good about themselves without putting in the effort. What do they have that others don’t?
Such people were very lucky: in childhood, adults who accepted them, not in “parts”, but in their entirety, turned out to be next to them. Pay attention, I’m not saying — unconditionally loved and even more praised. The latter is generally a dangerous thing. No. It’s just that the adults did not react with fear or hatred to any properties of their character or behavior, they tried to understand what meaning they have for the child.
In order for a child to learn to accept himself, he needs a calm adult nearby. Who, having learned about the fight, is in no hurry to scold or shame, but says: “Well, yes, Petya didn’t give you an eraser. And you? You asked Pete the right way. Yes. What about Petya? Ran away? He cried? So what do you think of this situation? Okay, so what are you going to do?»
We need an accepting adult who listens calmly, asks clarifying questions so that the picture becomes clearer, is interested in the feelings of the child: “How are you? And what do you think, to be honest? Did you do well or badly?
Children are not afraid of what their parents look at with calm interest
And if today I do not want to admit some weaknesses in myself, it is likely that I adopted the fear of them from my parents: some of us cannot stand criticism because our parents were afraid that they would not be able to be proud of their child.
Suppose we decide to look into ourselves. And we didn’t like what we saw. How to deal with it?
To do this, we need courage and … a good relationship with ourselves. Think about it: each of us has at least one true friend. Relatives and friends — anything can happen in life — will leave me. Someone will leave for another world, someone will be carried away by children and grandchildren. They can betray me, they can divorce me. I cannot control others. But there is someone who won’t leave me. And this is me.
I am that comrade, the inner interlocutor who will say: “Finish your work, your head is already starting to hurt.” I am the one who is always for me, who tries to understand. Who does not finish in a minute of failure, but says: “Yes, you screwed up, my friend. I need to fix it, otherwise who will I be? This is not criticism, this is support for someone who wants me to be good in the end. And then I feel warmth inside: in my chest, in my stomach …
That is, we can feel acceptance of ourselves even physically?
Certainly. When I approach something valuable for myself with an open heart, my heart “warms up” and I feel the flow of life. In psychoanalysis it was called libido — the energy of life, and in existential analysis — vitality.
Its symbol is blood and lymph. They flow faster when I am young and happy or sad, and slower when I am indifferent or “frozen”. Therefore, when a person likes something, his cheeks turn pink, his eyes shine, metabolic processes accelerate. He then has a good relationship with life and himself.
What can stop you from accepting yourself? The first thing that comes to mind is endless comparisons with more beautiful, smart, successful…
Comparison is absolutely harmless if we perceive others as a mirror. By the way we react to others, we can learn a lot about ourselves.
This is what is important — to know yourself, to appreciate your own uniqueness
And here again, memories can intervene. As if the themes of dissimilarity to others in us sound to the music. For some, the music is disturbing and bitter, for others it is beautiful and harmonious.
Music provided by parents. Sometimes a person, having already become an adult, tries to “change the record” for many years. This theme is clearly manifested in the reaction to criticism. Someone is too willing to admit his guilt, without even having time to figure out if he had a chance to do better. Someone generally cannot stand criticism, begins to hate those who encroach on his impeccability.
This is a painful topic. And it will remain so forever, but we can get used to dealing with such situations. Or even in the end we will come to a trusting attitude towards critics: “Wow, how interesting he perceives me. I will definitely think about it, thank you for your attention.
A grateful attitude towards critics is the most important indicator of self-acceptance. This does not mean that I agree with their assessment, of course.
But sometimes we really do bad things, and our conscience torments us.
In a good relationship with ourselves, conscience is our helper and friend. She has a unique vigilance, but does not have her own will. It shows what would have to be done to be ourselves, the best we want to know ourselves. And when we behave in a wrong way, it hurts and torments us, but nothing more …
It is possible to brush aside this torment. Conscience, in principle, cannot force something to be done, it only quietly suggests. What exactly? Be yourself again. We should be grateful to her for that.
If I know myself and trust this knowledge, I am not bored with myself, and I listen to my conscience — do I truly accept myself?
For self-acceptance, it is essential to understand where I am now, in what place in my life. In the direction of what am I building it? We need to see the whole, we kind of “throw” the whole for today, and then it becomes meaningful.
Now many clients come to psychotherapists with this request: “I am successful, I can pursue a career further, but I don’t see the point.” Or: “Everything is fine in the family, but…”
So you need a global goal?
Not necessarily global. Any goal that aligns with our values. And anything can be valuable: relationships, children, grandchildren. Someone wants to write a book, someone wants to grow a garden.
Purpose acts as a vector that structures life
Feeling that there is meaning in life does not depend on what we do, but on how we do it. When we have what we like and what we internally agree to, we are calm, satisfied, and everyone around us is calm and satisfied.
Perhaps it is impossible to accept yourself once and for all. Are we still going to fall out of this state sometimes?
Then you have to come back to yourself. In each of us, behind the superficial and everyday — style, manner, habits, character — there is something amazing: the uniqueness of my presence on this earth, my incomparable individuality. And the truth is, there has never been anyone like me and there never will be again.
If we look at ourselves this way, how do we feel? Surprise, it’s like a miracle. And responsibility — because there is a lot of good in me, can it manifest itself in one human life? Am I doing everything for this? And curiosity, because this part of me is not frozen, it changes, every day it surprises me with something.
If I look at myself this way and treat myself this way, I will never be alone. Around those who treat themselves well, there are always other people. Because the way we treat ourselves is visible to others. And they want to be with us.