Why is it sometimes so difficult for us to say “no” or “stop”, to refuse an invitation or offer, and to demonstrate confidence in general? Psychologist Tarra Bates-Dufort is sure that when we want to say “no” and say “yes”, we follow a learned social script. With some effort, you can get rid of it once and for all.
One of the main reasons why we are afraid to say “no” is the fear of offending or hurting another person. However, if we obey and do something just to avoid hurting others, we risk hurting ourselves by suppressing our own needs and hiding our real selves.
My patients, who find it difficult to say no, often tell me that they feel “an obligation to put themselves in the other person’s shoes.” Often they persistently assert that “if I were in the place of that person, I would like to be met halfway in the same way that I do it.”
However, when it comes to what is more important, their own interests and the needs or the interests of others, most think of themselves first. We live in a selfish world that forces us to push forward at any cost, regardless of the possible damage to others. Therefore, the assumption that others think the same way as you and are ready to serve you to the detriment of their own interests is incorrect.
By learning how to say no, you can apply this skill in many different areas of your life.
It is important to develop the ability to say “no” and not go along with other people’s requests that are unpleasant or undesirable for you. This skill is essential for building long-term and successful friendships, professional and love relationships.
Once you learn, you will be able to apply this skill in many different areas of your life.
8 reasons why it’s hard for us to say “no”
• We don’t want to hurt or hurt others.
• We are afraid that others will not like us.
• We don’t want to be seen as selfish or just unpleasant people.
• We have a compulsive need to always put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.
• We were taught to always be “good”
• We are afraid to appear aggressive
• We don’t want to make the other person angry
• We have problems with personal boundaries
By doing what we do not want to please others, we often indulge their weaknesses and vices, thereby developing in them dependence on others or the belief that everyone owes them. If you notice that most of these reasons apply to you, then most likely you have serious problems with personal boundaries.
People who find it difficult to say “no” often feel cornered and also selfish. If trying to demonstrate confidence and defend one’s interests causes negative emotions, individual or group psychotherapy can help with this.
Get rid of the habitual pattern of behavior, you will feel freedom
If you’re still having a hard time saying no, remind yourself that you don’t have to say yes at all. By getting rid of the habitual pattern of behavior and ceasing to do what you do not want and causes discomfort, you will feel freedom.
By learning to do this, you will become more confident, reduce your interactions with hypocritical and insincere people, and be able to build better relationships with those who are really important to you.
And oddly enough, as you learn to say no, you’ll be less likely to have to say it, because others will understand that your words should be taken seriously.
About the Author: Tarra Bates-Dufort is a psychologist and psychotherapist who specializes in family issues and trauma management.