There are more and more singles among us. But this does not mean that those who have chosen loneliness or put up with it have abandoned love. In the era of individualism, singles and families, introverts and extroverts, in their youth and in adulthood, still dream of her. But finding love is hard. Why?
It would seem that we have every opportunity to find those who are of interest to us: dating sites, social networks and mobile applications are ready to give anyone a chance and promise to quickly find a partner for every taste. But we still find it difficult to find our love, connect and stay together.
supreme value
If sociologists are to be believed, the anxiety with which we think of great love is entirely justified. Never before has the feeling of love been given so much importance. It lies at the foundation of our social ties, it largely keeps society: after all, it is love that creates and destroys couples, and therefore families and family clans.
It always has serious consequences. Each of us feels that our destiny will be determined by the quality of the love relationship that we have to live. “I need to meet a man who will love me and whom I will love in order to live with him and finally become a mother,” the 35-year-olds argue. “And if I fall out of love with him, I’ll get divorced,” many of those who already live in a couple are in a hurry to clarify …
Many of us feel “not good enough” and don’t find the strength to decide on a relationship.
The level of our expectations in terms of love relationships has skyrocketed. Faced with the inflated demands that potential partners make, many of us feel “not good enough” and do not find the strength to decide on a relationship. And the compromises that are inevitable in the relationship of two loving people confuse maximalists who agree only on ideal love.
Teenagers, too, did not escape the general anxiety. Of course, opening up to love at this age is risky: there is a high probability that we will not be loved in return, and teenagers are especially vulnerable and vulnerable. But today, their fears have intensified many times over. “They want romantic love, like in TV shows,” observes clinical psychologist Patrice Huer, “and at the same time prepare themselves for sexual relationships with the help of porn films.”
Conflict of interest
Contradictions of this kind prevent us from surrendering to love impulses. We dream of being independent and tying the knot with another person at the same time, living together and «walking on our own». We attach the highest value to the couple and the family, consider them as a source of strength and security, and at the same time glorify personal freedom.
We want to live an amazing, unique love story while continuing to focus on ourselves and our personal development. Meanwhile, if we want to manage our love life as confidently as we are used to planning and building a career, then self-forgetfulness, the desire to surrender to our feelings and other spiritual movements that make up the essence of love will inevitably be under our suspicion.
The more we prioritize meeting our own needs, the harder it is for us to give in.
Therefore, we would very much like to feel the intoxication of love, remaining, each for our part, completely immersed in building our social, professional and financial strategies. But how to dive headlong into the pool of passion, if so much vigilance, discipline and control are required of us in other areas? As a result, we are not only afraid to make unprofitable investments in a couple, but also expect dividends from a love union.
Fear of losing yourself
“In our time, more than ever, love is necessary for self-awareness, and at the same time it is impossible precisely because in a love relationship we are not looking for another, but self-awareness,” explains psychoanalyst Umberto Galimberti.
The more we get used to prioritizing the satisfaction of our own needs, the harder it is for us to give in. And therefore we proudly straighten our shoulders and declare that our personality, our «I» is more valuable than love and family. If we have to sacrifice something, we will sacrifice love. But we are not born into the world by ourselves, we become them. Every meeting, every event shapes our unique experience. The brighter the event, the deeper its trace. And in this sense, little can be compared with love.
Our personality seems to be more valuable than love and family. If we have to sacrifice something, then we will sacrifice love
“Love is an interruption of oneself, because another person crosses our path,” Umberto Galimberti replies. — At our peril and risk, he is able to break our independence, change our personality, destroy all defense mechanisms. But if there weren’t these changes that break me, hurt me, endanger me, then how would I allow another to cross my path — him, who alone can allow me to go beyond myself?
Don’t lose yourself, but go beyond yourself. Remaining himself, but already different — at a new stage in life.
War of the sexes
But all these difficulties, exacerbated in our time, cannot be compared with the fundamental anxiety that accompanies the attraction of men and women to each other from time immemorial. This fear is born out of unconscious competition.
Archaic rivalry is rooted in the very core of love. It is partly masked today by social equality, but the age-old rivalry still asserts itself, especially in couples with a long relationship. And all the numerous layers of civilization that regulate our lives are unable to hide the fear of each of us in front of another person.
In everyday life, it manifests itself in the fact that women are afraid to become dependent again, to fall into submission to a man, or to be tormented by guilt if they want to leave. Men, on the other hand, see that the situation in a couple is becoming uncontrollable, that they cannot compete with their girlfriends, and become more and more passive next to them.
To find your love, sometimes it’s enough to give up the defensive position.
“Where men used to hide their fear behind contempt, indifference and aggression, today most of them choose to run away,” says family therapist Catherine Serrurier. “This is not necessarily leaving the family, but a moral flight from a situation where they no longer want to engage in relationships, “leave” them.”
Lack of knowledge of the other as a cause of fear? This is an old story, not only in geopolitics, but also in love. To fear is added ignorance of oneself, one’s deepest desires and internal contradictions. To find your love, sometimes it is enough to give up the defensive position, feel the desire to learn new things and learn to trust each other. It is mutual trust that forms the basis of any couple.
Unpredictable start
But how do we know that the one with whom fate brought us together suits us? Is it possible to recognize a great feeling? There are no recipes and rules, but there are encouraging stories that everyone who goes in search of love needs so much.
“I met my future husband on the bus,” recalls Laura, 30. — Usually I am embarrassed to talk to strangers, sit in headphones, face the window, or work. In short, I create a wall around myself. But he sat down next to me, and somehow it so happened that we chatted incessantly all the long way to the house.
I wouldn’t call it love at first sight, rather, there was a strong sense of predestination, but in a good way. My intuition told me that this person would become an important part of my life, that he would become … well, yes, that one.