Why do we clone our exes?

Recently, researchers from Canada analyzed data from participants in a German long-term family study in which women and men since 2008 regularly provide information about themselves and their relationships and fill out tests about how open, conscientious, sociable, tolerant, anxious they are. 332 participants changed partners during this period, which allowed the researchers to include both former and current life partners in the survey.

The researchers found significant overlap in the profiles of former and new partners. In total, intersections were recorded for 21 indicators. “Our results show that mate choice is more predictable than expected,” the study authors share.

However, there are exceptions. Those who can be considered more open (extroverts) choose new partners not as consistently as introverts. Probably, the researchers believe, because their social circle is wider and, accordingly, richer in choice. But perhaps the whole point is that extroverts are looking for new experiences in all areas of life. They are interested in everything new, not yet tested.

And yet why do so many of us look for the same type of partners, despite all the intentions not to repeat the mistakes? Here, scientists can only speculate and put forward hypotheses. Perhaps we are talking about simple coincidences, because we usually choose someone from the social environment we are used to. Perhaps we are attracted to something recognizable and familiar. Or maybe we, like incorrigible recidivists, always return to the beaten path.

One glance is enough and the decision is made

Relationship consultant and author of Who’s Right For Me? She + He = Heart ”Christian Thiel has his own answer: our scheme for finding a partner arises in childhood. For many people, this, alas, can be a problem.

Let us take the story of Alexander as an illustrative example. He is 56 years old, and for three months now he has a young passion. Her name is Anna, she is slender, and Alexander liked her long blond hair so much that he did not notice that his “unlike” companion is very reminiscent of her predecessor, 40-year-old Maria. If you put them side by side, you can say that they are sisters.

The extent to which we remain true to ourselves in choosing a partner is confirmed by movie and show business stars. Leonardo DiCaprio is drawn to the same type of blonde models. Kate Moss – to guys with a broken fate who need help, sometimes – the intervention of a narcologist. The list can be continued indefinitely. But why do they so easily fall for the same bait? How are their partner selection schemes formed? And when does it become a real problem?

Christian Thiel is sure that our choice is limited by the rigid framework of the same scheme. Take, for example, 32-year-old Christina, who has a soft spot for classic retro cars. Christina has been alone for five years now. The other day, while waiting for a flight, she caught the eye of a man – strong, fair-haired. The woman almost immediately turned away, sending the man “to the basket.” She always liked slim and dark-haired, so even if the “observer” had a whole garage of vintage cars, she would not be tempted.

We easily throw “overboard” our attention to those who do not fit into our mold. This, as the researchers found, takes only a fraction of a second. So one short glance is enough to make the final decision.

Cupid’s arrow from childhood

Of course, we are not talking about the proverbial love at first sight that many people believe in. A deep feeling still takes time, Thiel is convinced. Rather, in this brief moment, we are testing whether we find the other desirable. In theory, this should be called erotica. In Greek mythology, this term, of course, did not exist, but there was an exact understanding of the process itself. If you remember, Eros fired a golden arrow that instantly ignited the couple.

The fact that the arrow sometimes hits “right in the heart” in most cases can be explained in a completely unromantic way – by the attitude towards the parent of the opposite sex. Christina’s father from the last example was a thin brunette. Now, by his 60s, he is fat and gray-haired, but in his daughter’s memory he remains the same young man who went with her to the playground on Saturdays and read fairy tales to her in the evenings. Her first great love.

This pattern of finding a chosen one works if the relationship between the woman and her father was good. Then, when meeting, she – usually unconsciously – is looking for men who look like him. But the paradox is that the father and the chosen one are both similar and different at the same time. Too much similarity does not allow for eroticism: the fear of incest sits very deep in us. This, of course, also applies to men who are looking for women in the image of their mother.

Choosing a partner similar to the parent of the opposite sex, we often unconsciously pay attention to hair color, height, dimensions, facial features. A few years ago, Hungarian researchers calculated the proportions of 300 subjects. They examined, among other things, the distance between the eyes, as well as the length of the nose and the width of the chin. And they found a clear relationship between the facial features of fathers and partners of daughters. The same picture for men: their mothers also served as “prototypes” of partners.

Not to dad and not to mom

But what if the experience with mom or dad was negative? In this case, we “vote in the opposition.” “In my experience, about 20% of people are looking for a partner who is guaranteed not to remind them of mom or dad,” the expert explains. This is exactly what happens to 27-year-old Max: his mother had long dark hair. Every time he meets a woman of this type, he recalls pictures from childhood and therefore chooses partners who do not look like his mother.

But it does not follow from this study that falling in love with the same type is a mistake. Rather, this is an occasion for reflection: how can we learn to handle the qualities of a new partner in a different way so as not to step on the same rake.