Why can’t we evaluate ourselves adequately?

«Who am I?» Most of us think we know the answer to this question well. But is it? You must have met people who consider themselves excellent singers and do not fall into half the notes; are proud of their sense of humor and cause only awkwardness with jokes; imagine themselves as subtle psychologists — and do not know about the betrayal of a partner. “This is not about me,” you might be thinking. And you are most likely wrong.

The more we learn about the brain and consciousness, the more it becomes clear how distorted our self-image is and how large the gap between our sense of self and how others see us becomes. Benjamin Franklin wrote: “There are three things that are extraordinarily difficult to do: to break steel, to crush a diamond, and to know oneself.” The latter seems to be the most difficult task. But if we understand what distorts our sense of self, we can improve our introspection skills.

1. We live in captivity of our self-esteem.

Do you think you are a great cook, you have a charming voice of four octaves and you are the smartest person in your environment? If so, you most likely have an illusory superiority complex — the belief that you are better than others in everything from driving a car to working.

We are especially inclined to fall into this delusion when we judge those features of ourselves to which we pay much attention. Research by Professor Simin Wazir of the University of California found that students’ judgments of their intellectual ability did not correlate with their IQ test scores. Those whose self-esteem was high thought of their mind only in superlatives. And their fellow students with low self-esteem were worried because of their imaginary stupidity, even if they were the first in the group.

Illusory superiority can give some advantages. When we think well of ourselves, it makes us emotionally stable, says David Dunning from Cornell University (USA). On the other hand, underestimating our abilities can protect us from mistakes and rash acts. However, the possible benefits of illusory self-esteem pale in comparison to the price we pay for it.

“If we want to succeed in life, we must understand what to invest in and by what criteria to evaluate the results,” says psychologist Zlatana Krizana from the University of Iowa (USA). “If the internal barometer is out of whack, it can lead to conflicts, bad decisions and ultimately failure.”

2. We do not consider how we look in the eyes of others.

We draw conclusions about the character of a person in the first seconds of acquaintance. In this situation, the nuances of appearance — the shape of the eyes, the shape of the nose or lips — are of great importance. If we have an attractive person in front of us, we consider him more friendly, socially active, smart and sexy. Men with big eyes, a small bridge of the nose and round faces are perceived as «mattresses». Owners of a large, prominent jaw are more likely to earn a reputation as a «male».

To what extent are such judgments true? Indeed, there is a link between testosterone production and facial features. Men with a more masculine appearance may actually be more aggressive and rude. Otherwise, such generalizations are very far from the truth. But this does not prevent us from believing in their truth and acting in accordance with our feelings.

And then the fun begins. We see how others treat us, and we begin to behave in accordance with this attitude. If our face reminds a recruiter of a Neanderthal skull, we may be denied employment that requires intellectual work. After a dozen of these rejections, we may «realise» that we really are not fit for the job.

3. We think others know what we know about us.

Most of us still reasonably evaluate how we are perceived by others in general. Mistakes begin when it comes to specific people. One reason is that we cannot draw a clear line between what we know about ourselves and what others might know about us.

Did you spill coffee on yourself? Of course, this was noticed by all visitors to the cafe. And everyone thought: “Here is a monkey! No wonder she has crooked makeup on one eye.» It is difficult for people to determine how others see them, simply because they know too much about themselves.

4. We focus too much on our feelings.

When we are deeply immersed in our thoughts and feelings, we can catch the slightest changes in our mood and well-being. But at the same time, we lose the ability to look at ourselves from the outside.

“If you ask me how kind and attentive I am to people, I will most likely be guided by my sense of self and my intentions,” says Simin Wazir. “But all this may not correspond to how I actually behave.”

A good prevention is to ask others for feedback. But there are pitfalls here too. Those who know us well may be the most biased in their assessments (especially parents). On the other hand, as we found out earlier, the opinions of unfamiliar people are often distorted by first impressions and their own attitudes.

How to be? Simin Wazir advises to less trust general judgments like «pretty-repulsive» or «lazy-active», and listen more to specific comments that relate to your skills and come from professionals.

So is it possible to know yourself?

Our identity is made up of many physical and mental traits—intelligence, experience, skills, habits, sexuality, and physical attractiveness. But to consider that the sum of all these qualities is our true «I» is also wrong.

Psychologist Nina Stormbringer and her colleagues from Yale University (USA) observed families where there were elderly people with dementia. Their character changed beyond recognition, they lost their memory and ceased to recognize their relatives, but relatives continued to believe that they were communicating with the same person as before the illness.

An alternative to self-knowledge can be self-creation. When we try to draw our psychological self-portrait, it turns out like in a dream — blurry and constantly changing. Our new thoughts, new experiences, new solutions are constantly blazing new paths for development.

By cutting off what seems “foreign” to us, we risk missing out on opportunities. But if we give up the pursuit of our own integrity and focus on goals, we will become more open and relaxed.