We do not think about the fact that children have their own reality, they feel differently, they see the world in their own way. And this must be taken into account if we want to establish good contact with the child, explains clinical psychologist Erica Reischer.
It often seems to us that our words for a child are an empty phrase, and no persuasion works on him. But try to look at the situation through the eyes of children …
A few years ago I witnessed such a scene. The father came to the children’s camp for his daughter. The girl enthusiastically played with other children and, in response to her father’s words, “It’s time to go,” she said: “I don’t want to! I’m having so much fun here!» The father objected: “You have been here all day. Quite enough». The girl was upset and began to repeat that she did not want to leave. They continued to bicker until finally her father took her by the hand and led her to the car.
It seemed that the daughter did not want to hear any arguments. They really needed to go, but she resisted. But the father did not take into account one thing. Explanations, persuasion do not work, because adults do not take into account that the child has his own reality, and do not respect it.
It is important to show respect for the feelings of the child and his unique perception of the world.
Respect for the reality of the child implies that we allow him to feel, think, perceive the environment in his own way. It would seem that nothing complicated? But only until it dawns on us that «in our own way» means «not like us.» This is where many parents begin to resort to threats, use force and issue commands.
One of the best ways to build a bridge between our reality and that of a child is to show empathy for the child.
This means that we show our respect for the feelings of the child and his unique perception of the world. That we really listen to him and understand (or at least try to understand) his point of view.
Empathy tames strong emotions that make a child not accept explanations. This is why emotion is effective when reason fails. Strictly speaking, the term «empathy» suggests that we empathize with another person’s emotional state, as opposed to sympathy, which means that we understand the other person’s feelings. Here we are talking about empathy in the broadest sense as focusing on the feelings of another, whether through empathy, understanding or compassion.
We tell the child that he can cope with difficulties, but in essence we are arguing with his reality.
Often we are not aware that we are disrespecting the reality of the child or unintentionally showing disregard for his vision. In our example, the father could have shown empathy from the start. When the daughter stated that she did not want to leave, he could have replied: “Baby, I can see very well that you are having a lot of fun here and you really don’t want to leave (empathy). I’m sorry. But after all, mom is waiting for us for dinner, and it would be ugly of us to be late (explanation). Please say goodbye to your friends and pack your things (request).»
Another example on the same topic. A first grader is sitting on a math assignment, the subject is clearly not given to him, and the child, upset, declares: “I can’t do it!” Many well-meaning parents will object: “Yes, you can do everything! Let me tell you…”
We say that he will cope with difficulties, wanting to motivate him. We have the best intentions, but in essence we communicate that his experiences are «wrong», i.e. argue with his reality. Paradoxically, this causes the child to insist on his version: «No, I can’t!» The degree of frustration rises: if at first the child was upset by the difficulties with the problem, now he is upset that he is not understood.
It is much better if we show empathy: “Darling, I see that you are not succeeding, it is difficult for you to solve the problem now. Let me hug you. Show me where you got stuck. Maybe we can come up with a solution somehow. Math seems hard to you now. But I think you can figure it out.»
Let children feel and see the world in their own way, even if you don’t understand it or don’t agree with them.
Pay attention to the subtle, but fundamental difference: «I think you can» and «You can.» In the first case, you are expressing your opinion; in the second, you are asserting as an indisputable fact something that contradicts the experience of the child.
Parents should be able to «mirror» the feelings of the child and show empathy towards him. When expressing disagreement, try to do so in a way that acknowledges the value of the child’s experience at the same time. Do not present your opinion as an indisputable truth.
Compare two possible responses to the child’s remark: “There is nothing fun in this park! I don’t like it here!»
First option: “Very nice park! Just as good as the one we usually go to.» Second: “I understand you don’t like it. And I’m the opposite. I think different people like different things.»
The second answer confirms that opinions can be different, while the first one insists on one correct opinion (yours).
In the same way, if a child is upset about something, then respecting his reality means that instead of phrases like “Don’t cry!” or “Well, well, everything is fine” (with these words you deny his feelings at the current moment) you will say, for example: “You are now upset.” First let the children feel and see the world in their own way, even if you don’t understand it or don’t agree with them. And after that, try to persuade them.
About the Author: Erika Reischer is a clinical psychologist and author of the parenting book What Great Parents Do: 75 Simple Strategies for Raising Kids Who Thrive.