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It happens that relationships develop only in the sexual sphere, and life together does not go well. We can not live without each other, but being together is a complete torment. The result is quarrels, tears, a painful break. Why it happens?
“We met at a party with friends, and both immediately seemed to be covered by a wave,” says 32-year-old Veronica. — We spent the night together. My world has narrowed down to him alone. He experienced the same.
We started thinking about the wedding. But gradually everything that happened between us not in bed turned into a series of quarrels and scenes of jealousy.
I made the decision to leave. I’m still drawn to him, the memories are painfully beautiful, and I don’t understand why it didn’t work out.» Why is strong attraction not enough for a long-term relationship?
And who is pork cartilage
Sex is not enough for a couple to be stable, “other components are also needed: mutual respect, joint interests,” says Lyubov Koltunova, a Gestalt therapist, Jungian psychologist.
— Otherwise, going beyond the scope of sexual relations, the couple will not find what would bind them, and a lot of contradictions may arise. It turns out that one likes watermelon, and the other pork cartilage.
The only chance to save such an alliance is to look for compromises. But this is precisely where the problem arises. Not everyone is ready to change even for the sake of love.
Often, partners prefer quarrels and constant conflicts to negotiations — each requires the other to transform according to his needs, takes an infantile position — «what I want is in the foreground.» It is difficult to stay in such a relationship for a long time.
And I love and I hate
“I was madly in love with my first wife,” says 43-year-old Vadim, “I wanted to be with her every minute. When she went to meet her friends, I imagined that she might meet someone and go to him. And then I was choked with jealousy, I thought: it would be better for her to die than to be with another!
Why do we sometimes experience such polarized feelings? And we need each other, and are ready to kill; we humiliate, offend another — and from this we experience incredible torment?
“The reason for such complex, painful relationships is a violation of the attachment of one or both partners,” continues Lyubov Koltunova, “when we unconsciously experience anxiety when entering into close emotional relationships.
What psychoanalyst Karen Horney called «a feeling of fundamental anxiety» — it grows out of the loneliness and helplessness that we experienced in childhood if our parents were inattentive to us.
We feel an irresistible attraction to a partner and at the same time unconsciously try to maintain a distance, because the experience of attachment was once painful.
The cycle is not over
During sexual intimacy, arousal goes through several stages — this is called the «sexual response cycle», after which the partners feel closer to each other.
First there is interest, then attraction, excitement, which gradually increases, and in the end we reach a discharge — an orgasm. But the most interesting thing is that the cycle of sexual response does not end at this stage.
“After an orgasm, a refractory stage begins: a decline in excitation, the body asks for rest, relaxation, then the stage of assimilation — understanding the experience gained,” explains Lyubov Koltunova. — As a result of this completion of the cycle of sexual reaction, attachment arises.
We have a desire to soak up each other’s arms, talk, spend some more time together, have dinner or take a walk.
But in passionate relationships, the last stage of the sex cycle is often omitted: a strong attraction seizes lovers wherever they are, on an airplane, in the bathroom of a restaurant or a movie theater. There is simply no time for assimilation.»
And then it turns out that the cycle of sexual reaction is not completed. Sexual attraction is there, but attachment — the anchor that motivates us to be together — does not arise.
I blinded him
He is beautiful in bed, and we think that this is love. But at the beginning of a relationship, it’s more like falling in love. And it is dangerous with projections: we endow the partner with the desired qualities. Of course, the projection falls on the object when there are some «hooks» — something for which it can catch.
They are created by our unconscious from the history of growing up, the first experience of falling in love with idols of adolescence, vivid impressions, including sexual ones. Are we thrilled by his voice? If we examine the past, it may turn out that the teacher, with whom we were platonically in love at the age of 15, had the same timbre.
It turns out that we do not communicate with a partner, but with our idea of him. Invented projections fly off when contradictions appear in a couple, as if we take off rose-colored glasses and get acquainted with a real, not fictional person. It is from that moment that discord sets in in the relationship, and we face a choice — is this the one we need or not?
Relationships are multifaceted. Vivid emotional sex is an important facet, but it is not the only one.
What to read about it?
Gestalt Therapy of Sexuality by Brigitte Martel
Swing, loneliness, family… The line between norm and pathology, different stories about the sexual life of clients, professional comments and basic theory.
(Institute for General Humanitarian Studies, 2020)