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A man and a woman build relationships according to their own ideas and expectations. But everyone has their own. And our views do not always coincide. What most often pushes our partner to break up and how to prevent separation?
We usually learn how to build relationships through parental models (not always successful ones) and our own experience. In other words, we learn from mistakes. And if we are not well versed in matters of the heart, we do not voice our expectations, we do not talk about needs, we do not talk about feelings, we do not discuss conflicts, and we do not expect the same from a partner. And when a partner leaves, we do not understand why.
What are the most common reasons relationships don’t work out?
1. Inconsistency with the desired role in the relationship
She wanted to be loved and desired. And he makes her a daughter. She wants to be a housewife, and he takes her to exhibitions and talks with her for hours on intellectual topics. Or she wants to be an equal partner for him, a life partner, and he tries to decide everything for her or, on the contrary, forces her to make decisions for him.
It happens that a change of roles occurs under the influence of force majeure circumstances. For example, when one of the partners gets sick, and the other takes care of him. If there is love in a couple and they endure such a test, this will only strengthen the union. I’m talking about situations where there are no objective reasons for changing roles. Then the union is most likely doomed.
Inna (33) noticed that her partner Alexei (51) stopped having sex with her, took her shopping, bought clothes to her taste and dressed her up like her favorite doll. She turned into a daughter. After several unsuccessful attempts to negotiate, to change the situation, Inna broke off relations.
2. Trespassing
This includes emotional abuse, pressure, ignoring the needs of a partner, control, imposing one’s worldview. Sometimes a partner can tolerate boundary violations for a long time, especially if there is dependence on the relationship. But sooner or later a healthy person chooses himself.
Victoria (34) dated Maxim (26). Maxim forbade her to meet her friends, go anywhere without him, attend events where there are other men. Victoria loved Maxim and did her best to maintain relationships that were valuable to her. But when Maxim tried to ban her favorite hobby — diving, without which she could not imagine herself, Victoria’s patience came to an end, and she broke off the relationship. “I love him, I never cheated on him, but I love to dive and I can’t live without it,” Victoria complained.
3. Internal clock mismatch
This reason is not related to self-esteem, but to the importance of these relationships for a person and different intensities.
Anna (35) dated Jim (40). They were the perfect couple, and Anna had long seen herself as Jim’s wife and mother of his children. She had no doubts that everything would end in a wedding. Jim was in love, but was in no hurry to propose. He wanted events to develop naturally and gradually. He was just in a relationship. But Anna was impatient, put pressure on Jim, demanded, she already appropriated him and therefore controlled his every step. And Jim, despite being in love, left Anna. He was not ready to marry a stranger, who, moreover, had already begun to show her imperious character.
What to do?
Voice your expectations. Let your partner know what kind of relationship you want. Do you want to be a friend and companion, or are you waiting for a romantic, loving relationship. Or maybe you are considering this partner as a potential spouse. This will immediately let you know whether a joint future is possible in your couple. Often the partner simply did not think about some aspect of the relationship, and if you draw his attention to the problem, he can agree with your position, rebuild the relationship so that both of you are satisfied with them.
Express needs. Tell your partner what you need, what you want at the moment. In a relationship, needs cannot be repressed all the time; that will make you unhappy. In harmonious unions, the partner feels happy. If you don’t, there’s no point in keeping the union.
Talk about feelings. And about the positive — joy, love, and about the negative — resentment, sadness, anger. A partner must reckon with your feelings, because they are not born on their own, but in your relationship. If there are negative feelings, you need to understand their cause and change something.
Discuss conflicts openly. Discussing conflicts begins with an open statement about what you do not like. The partner must reckon with you. Many are afraid to bring the conflict up for discussion, to transfer it from a hidden form to an open one, as this can destroy relationships. But this only means that the partners do not want to hear each other. In harmonious couples, conflict, once worked out, takes the relationship to a new level of intimacy and trust. Silence leads to passive aggression, which will destroy the couple with a high degree of probability.