We decide when to give birth

The last thing a woman wants to hear is to be told when to have children. Nevertheless, many people feel it is their duty to remind women that it is better for women to give birth early, around 25 years old. To the usual “biological clock” arguments, they now add: too many family concerns fall on us.

According to the «advisers», we doom ourselves to life in the very center of the «sandwich» of three generations. We have to take care of both small children and our elderly parents. Our life will turn into an endless fuss with diapers for children and parents and strollers, children and invalids, whims and problems of helpless loved ones.

Talking about how stressful such a life turns out to be, they do not seek to alleviate it. Will it be hard? We already know this — thanks to the experts who have been telling us for years how difficult late pregnancy turns out to be. We don’t need more pressure, shame and fear of «missing» our chance.

If a woman wants to have children early, let her. But we know that this is not always possible. We may not have enough money to support a child, we may not immediately find a suitable partner. And not everyone wants to raise a child alone.

At the same time, we are still being told that without children, our life has no meaning. In addition to future “difficulties,” a woman who has not had a child by the age of 30 feels like an outcast: all her friends have already given birth to one or two, constantly talk about the happiness of motherhood and — quite naturally — begin to consider their choice the only right one.

In some ways, supporters of the idea of ​​early motherhood are right. Statistics show that the number of pregnancies in women over 40 has doubled since 1990. The same thing happens in the group of women over 30. And in 25-year-olds, this figure, on the contrary, decreases. Still, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. Being part of the «sandwich generation» is not so bad. I know what I’m talking about. I went through it.

My mother gave birth to me at 37. I became a mother at the same age. When the long-awaited granddaughter was finally born, the grandmother was still quite cheerful and active. My father lived to be 87 and my mother to 98. Yes, I found myself in the very situation that sociologists call the «sandwich generation.» But this is just another name for the extended family, where different generations live together.

In any case, we should get used to this situation. Today people are living longer. Good nursing homes are too expensive, and life there is not that fun. Living together as one big family, of course, is not very comfortable at times. But what family life is complete without domestic inconveniences? We get used to both crowding and noise if our relationship is generally healthy and loving.

My parents helped me and supported me. They never reproached me for “still not married.” And they adored their grandchildren when they were born. In some families, parents and children hate each other. Some mothers reject any advice from their own mothers. There are families in which there is a real war, where some are trying to impose their concepts and rules on others.

But what about age then? Don’t young couples with children who have to live under a parent’s roof face the same difficulties?

I’m not saying that late motherhood doesn’t create problems. But let’s face it: whenever we decide to have children, there will be problems. The task of experts is to give us as much information as possible. We wait for them to tell us about the possibilities and help us make a choice, but do not push for it, playing on our fears and prejudices.

About the Author: Michelle Henson is an essayist, columnist for The Guardian, and author of Life with My Mother, winner of the 2006 Book of the Year award from the Mind Foundation for the Mentally Ill.