Transgender child: how to support as parents?

A taboo subject a few years ago, the recognition of transgender children is increasingly publicized. This does not mean that this discomfort is easily accepted in our societies and the suspicion or the announcement of the transidentity of a child is often an explosion for a whole family. It is indeed difficult to position oneself as parents, worried about the future and the challenges that the child will face, to find the right words, the right attitude or simply to know precisely what transidentity is. A 2009 report from the Haute Autorité de santé estimated that around one in 10 or one in 000 is transgender in France.

Definition: trans, transgender, transexual, gender dysphoria, non-binary… Which words are most suitable?

While the abbreviation “trans” is widely used in the media, associations and communities concerned, there are inaccuracies in French concerning the words “transgender” and “transexual”. Indeed, if some consider them synonymous, others define the term “transgender” as adopting the lifestyle (appearance, pronouns, etc.) of the other gender without necessarily changing gender, while “transexual” would only concern people who have undergone a medical and surgical process to change their sex.

Be careful, many associations denounce the fact that “transexual” or “transsexual” refers to the idea of ​​illness – which is not the case with transidentity which cannot be “cured”, and that it is therefore a dated term that should no longer be used, in favor of transgender.

It is best in any case to ask your child what terms he prefers to use, just like for his / her pronouns (he / she / iel /…).

During the usual course, your child will see a psychiatrist who will potentially attest to a gender dysphoria. This means that there is indeed a discomfort between his sex and his gender, the one assigned to him at birth according to his morphological formation.

Moreover, the term non-binary arises from not feeling to belong to either of the two established genres, or to feel a bit of both, in varying ways. Words in English are often used by the communities concerned to define themselves as “gender-fluid”, “no-gender”, “a gender” or “variant gender”.

Transgender children: at what age do they realize their “difference”?

In September 2013, in Argentina, parents were allowed to change the gender of their 6-year-old child on their identity documents. His first name, Manuel, was then replaced by Luana. Her mother explained that “Lulu” always felt like a girl. A few months earlier, the parents of Coy Mathis, a little American of the same age, had hit the headlines. After having lodged a complaint of discrimination, they had won their case against his school. The child was forbidden to use the girls’ toilets even though he considered himself to be female. According to his relatives, Coy would have started behaving like a girl at just 18 months old. Psychiatrists have diagnosed with gender dysphoria when he was 4 years old.

From what age can we think or declare that a child is transgender under these conditions? According to Professor Marcel Rufo, there is no age limit. « I have medically followed a transgender woman for over twenty years. She has now transitioned and is now married “. The child psychiatrist explains that “ from 4-5-6 years old, we can perceive this discomfort in a child “. A Council of Europe report published in 2013 specifies that the feeling of belonging to the opposite sex can occur at any time: during adolescence, during “ first years of life “, Or even before a year, “Without the child being able to communicate it to those around him ».

« Contrary to what many believe, the notion of gender is not fixed from birth, says Professor Rufo. In the 1970s, American researchers carried out studies in Californian nurseries. They then realized that little girls were able to determine their gender before boys. From 18 months, they adopt female-type behaviors : in the game, the way to take care of their baby… they copy their mothers. On their side, boys become aware of their gender at 20 months. Of course, these behaviors are permeated by the choice of first name, parental behavior, social codes … »

Transgender child: associations to support us after the announcement or the “coming out” of our child

« Sometimes parents wonder if they can buy a baby for a boy or toy cars for a girl. This is completely silly! That does not influence gender perception that the child can have on his own », Insists the child psychiatrist, who recalls that in transidentity, it is above all questions of biology and hormones that are at stake.

What signs then can guide parents? According to the specialist, it is a set of parameters and it is better not to refer to a single sign, which could be misleading. Especially since nothing is really fixed before the child claims to be transgender: ” A child who appears to want to be of the opposite sex will not necessarily be adolescent or adult transgender “He says.

The experts cited in the Council of Europe report share this point of view. On the other hand, the many specialists who participated in the development of the study insist on the need for children that parents learn to “tolerate” this uncertainty.

Note: a transgender girl is a girl who is declared male at birth but whose gender self-perception is that of a girl – and vice versa for transgender boys. 

As this situation is not necessarily easy to tackle without first being informed and trained as parents, it is possible to today turn to numerous associations, also there to guide the entourage. Striking words, psychological and administrative work …OUTrans association offers, for example, mixed support groups in the Paris region, as well as theChrysalide association, based in Lyon, which has also developed a guide for loved ones of trans people available online for free. Another example, theGrandir Trans association, in Tours, posted a “parent’s toolkit»Very complete and educational.

Transgender little girl or boy: the importance of accepting your choice

Still far too often misunderstood, transgender children are more victims of school harassment and sexual assault. They are also more prone to suicidal thoughts. That is why, according to the Council of Europe report, it is essential that the entourage, the parents, the school, the nursing staff, accept the perception that these young people have of themselves. Erik Schneider, psychiatrist and psychotherapist author of the report, concludes his analysis by stressing that this acceptance must be done ” at the entire societal level ».

But, as Marcel Rufo points out, current society does not allow it completely: “ If we lived in an ideal world, which is much more tolerant, parents would more easily accept their child’s choice, also because they would fear less for his safety. But in fact, in France, a transgender person is rarely operated on before reaching the age of majority. For years he will suffer a strong intolerance. I believe that one can respect the choice of his child while asking him to respect the incomprehension that his choice can cause. “, Hopes the specialist.

Psychological follow-up: how to explain that there are more boys than girls?

Children do not always verbalize their feelings, they usually go unnoticed. Another pitfall: parents often refuse to accept this situation and are therefore reluctant to consult a psychiatrist to best support their child in a situation of ill-being. However, as Professor Rufo points out, psychological follow-up is important, “ not to change the children but to help them continue on their way ».

He also notes that there is a gap of a few years between the parents of girls and boys who consult for transidentity: “ I see more little boys in consultation. Believing that you are not the right gender is likely to exist proportionately in girls, but a ‘tomboy’ is less ‘worrying’ for parents than a ‘sissy boy’ or who wants to be a girl. . For parents, this situation is worse off. This is explained by the fact that sexism is still very present in our society. The little girls I spoke with were on average taller and were 7-8 years old at the first consultation ».

What medical care during a sex change?

If their number is still low due to parents’ incomprehension or perhaps the silence in which they are walled, more and more children are consulting the medical centers specializing in transition assistance. But before a transition can be made, there are many steps that need to be overcome by transgender people, especially when they claim their trans identity when they are still only children. The psychological follow-up will run over several years, unfortunately including in the majority of cases the consideration of what accompanies this discomfort: eating disorders, external suffering linked for example to bullying, depression, social integration difficulties, dropping out of school…

Some laws authorize the use of “puberty blockers”, a technique which is debated since they not only block the appearance of secondary sexual characteristics such as the development of hair growth and body modifications, but also the growth and calcification of bones. , fertility… In some countries, such as the United Kingdom, Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands, these treatments are reversible and stop the development of puberty in children, giving them time to choose. The Dutch, the first to have embarked on this type of test, recommend these blockers from the age of 10 or 12, up to the age of 16.

In France, the most frequent treatments are prescription d’hormones (testosterone or estrogen), which will cost nothing to the person who is transitioning if a long-term affection is recognized. However, no hormonal treatment is administered in France before the age of 16, and then the authorization of the representatives of parental authority is required. Recent studies show that adults regret having changed their gender, even if the figures reflect a small effect, in the order of 5%. It is for this reason that the process remains so supervised and restrictive for the children.

Rights: how can I administratively help my child as a parent?

First, it is essential to remember that any insult – sexist, homophobic or transphobic, is an offense punishable by criminal penalties. An insult uttered by speech, shouting, threats, writing or image is punishable by a fine of 12 euros. If a transphobic character is retained, the penalty increases to a fine of 000 euros and one year of imprisonment. So do not hesitate to file a complaint if our child suffers from harassment, even if it is for the moment “only” insults.

It is possible to request a change of first name to a civil status officer and no longer to a judge, without justifying a change of sex or presenting a psychiatric certificate. The name attributed at birth and evoking another gender, known as the “dead name”, no longer has to be used by the administration, the school and personal environment.

In order to change gender on identity papers, it is necessary to prove before the judicial court of the domicile or the municipality where the birth certificate is kept that the person presents himself publicly as belonging to the opposite sex; that the person is known as the opposite sex by his or her personal and professional or school circle; or that the person has obtained the change of first name and wishes their identity papers to match.