Contents
Having a favorite child, how is it experienced in siblings?
According to an American study, in October 2015, symptoms of troughare also high in children who think they are closest to their mother than among those who think they have been in conflict with her the most, or have disappointed her the most. The study also states that there is no difference between girls and boys. Catherine Sellenet, psychologist and author of the book “The favorite child, luck or burden?”, Explains in the daily Le Monde, in 2014, that “ parental preference is an indescribable, disturbing phenomenon that is experienced shamefully. She is transgressive, incompatible with the ideal model of the family where everything is shared equally, ”she explains. Anne Bacus, psychotherapist, thinks, for her part, that parents should not always seek equality between their children. Explanations.
Favorite child, taboo subject
Being the favorite child is a hidden subject in families. “Parents rarely confide in him. It is taboo and often unconscious. In general, they recognize themselves in one of the children because they see in him a part of themselves. Or, there is a personality trait that they particularly like in one ”, specifies Anne Bacus. For children, this preference would not be at all obvious to live. ” The status of “preferred” is given between brothers and sisters. They say it to each other most often, “you, you are the darling “, Without saying out loud what it actually does to them,” explains the shrink.
When each parent has their favorite
Most often there is ” a natural and spontaneous preference of a parent towards such and such a child. The father will “prefer” the oldest and the youngest mother, for example! », Adds Anne Bacus. Things are not going too badly in this case. Is the favorite child more protected than the others by the parent who pampers him? ” Not necessarily. It will arouse jealousy in the siblings, thus provoking rivalries between the children. Often, a feeling of injustice can develop towards him: why him and not me? », Indicates the psychologist. She also specifies that in a family with no stated preference, all the children think that other people are the favorites.
Beware of favoritism!
Anne Bacus warns parents. “Watch out for parents’ behavior: if there is objective evidence that there is favoritism, it can make children unhappy », She explains. A feeling of injustice can arise and make the unwanted child suffer (in silence). When siblings don’t get along too well, bicker, these rivalries can be due to adult favoritism. “The children will spend their time measuring what each other has,” says the psychologist.
Don’t try to be egalitarian
To avoid this kind of rivalry, Anne Bacus advises parents to tell their children: “ I have two only children. And I love you so much, each for who you are. You are unique in my heart! », She explains. She also believes that one should not seek to be egalitarian at all costs. “Above all, not enter the game of children who seek absolute equality. For example, when one of them says “he had this, I want the same”, the parent can specify that each child receives what he needs or particularly likes and since they are different, this is not the same for everyone, ”explains the psychologist. It is important that the parent takes into account the uniqueness and personality of each child and does not “absolutely” try to do the same or especially the same for everyone. ” Each child should be complimented for who they are, at different times, simply because parents love them differently! », Concludes the psychologist.
Testimonial: I prefer my eldest son to his younger sister
For me, it was obvious to have children … So when I met Bastien, my husband, at the age of 26, I very quickly wanted to get pregnant. After ten months of waiting, I was pregnant with my first child. I lived my pregnancy serenely: I was so happy to become a mother! My delivery went smoothly. And as soon as I laid eyes on my son David, I felt an intense emotion, love at first sight for my baby who was necessarily the most beautiful in the world… I had tears in my eyes! My mother kept saying he was my spitting image, I was very proud. I breastfed her and every feed was a real treat. We got home and the honeymoon between my son and I continued. Besides, he slept quickly. I loved my little boy more than anything, which made my husband bitch a little, who thought I paid less attention to him!
My husband talked about expanding the family when my son was 3 1/2
When David was three and a half, Bastien talked about expanding the family. I agreed, but thinking about it after the fact, I was in no rush to start a second one. I feared my son’s reactions, our relationship was so harmonious. And in a little corner of my head, I thought I wouldn’t have as much love to give to the second. After six months, I got pregnant and tried to prepare David for the birth of his little sister. : we told him it was a girl as soon as we found out ourselves. He was not very happy because he would have liked a little brother “to play with”, as he said!
So I gave birth to a little Victoria, cute to eat, but I did not feel the emotional shock that I had experienced at the sight of her brother. I found it a bit surprising, but I didn’t worry. In fact, what was on my mind was how David was going to accept his little sister, and I was also worried that the birth of my second child would somehow change our relationship that was fused. When David saw Victoria for the first time, he was quite intimidated, didn’t want to touch her and started playing with one of her toys without paying any attention to her or for that matter to me! In the months that followed, our life changed a lot.Victoria often woke up at night, unlike her brother who had slept very quickly. I was exhausted, even though my husband was relaying me well. During the day, I carried my little girl a lot, because she calmed down faster this way. It is true that she cried often and by necessity, I compared her with David who was a peaceful child at the same age. When I had the little one in my arms, my son would come close to me and ask me for a hug… He also wanted me to carry him. Even though I explained to him that he was tall, that his sister was just a baby, I knew he was jealous. Which ultimately is classic. But me, I was dramatizing things, I felt at fault for taking less care of my son and I tried to “fix” by giving him little gifts and smothering him with kisses as soon as my daughter slept! I was afraid he would love me less!
“I ended up admitting to myself that maybe I preferred David to Victoria”
Little by little, insidiously, I ended up admitting to myself that perhaps I preferred David to Victoria. When I dared to say it to myself, I was ashamed. But while doing my self-examination, a lot of little facts came back to my memory: it’s true that I waited longer before going to take Victoria in my arms when she was crying, while for David, at the same age , I was near him in the second! While I had breastfed my son for eight months, I had stopped breastfeeding Victoria two months after giving birth, claiming that I was feeling tired. In fact, I kept comparing my attitude to both, and I blamed myself more and more.
All this undermined me, but I dared not tell my husband about it for fear he would judge me. In fact, I didn’t tell anyone about it, I felt such a bad mother with my daughter. I was losing sleep! Victoria, it is true, was a little angry little girl, but at the same time, she made me laugh so much when we played together. I felt bad about myself having such thoughts. I also remembered that during my second pregnancy I was very afraid that I would not be able to love my second child with the same intensity as the first. And now it seemed to happen …
Prefer one of her children: I consulted a wonderful shrink
My husband was away a lot because of his work, but he realized that I was not at the top. He asked me questions that I did not answer. I felt too guilty about Victoria… even though she seemed to be growing up fine. I was even starting to feel depressed. I was not up to it! One of my closest friends then advised me to go see a psychotherapist to understand what was going on in my noggin! I came across a wonderful “shrink” in whom I was able to confide. It was the first time I had spoken to someone about my dismay at my feeling that I preferred my son to my daughter. She knew how to find the words to appease me. She explained to me that it was much more common than you think. But that it remained a taboo subject, so the mothers felt guilty. Over the course of the sessions, I understood that you don’t love your children in the same way, and that it’s normal to have a different relationship with each of them. Feeling, depending on the moment, more in tune with one, then with the other, could not be more classic. The weight of my guilt, which I was dragging with me, began to diminish. I was relieved not to be a case. I finally talked about it with my husband who was a bit stunned. He could see that I lacked patience with Victoria, and that I treated David like a baby, but he thought that all mothers had a soft spot for their son. We have decided together to be very vigilant. Victoria was never to think that she was her mom’s “ugly duckling” and David was to believe that he was the “darling”. My husband made arrangements to be more present at home and take more care of the children.
On the advice of my “shrink”, I took turns taking each of my little ones for a walk, to a show, to eat a Mac-Do, etc. I stayed with my daughter longer when I put her to bed and read a bunch of books to her, which I had done very little until now. I realized one day, that in fact, my daughter had a lot of character traits in common with mine. Lack of patience, milk soup. And this character a little strong, my own mother reproached me for it during all my childhood and adolescence! We were two girls, and I always thought my mom preferred my older sister because she was easier to get along with than me. In fact, I was in the rehearsal. But I wanted more than anything to get out of this pattern and rectify things while there was still time. In one year of therapy, I believe I have succeeded in restoring the balance between my children. I stopped feeling guilty the day I understood that loving differently doesn’t mean loving less… ”