The reverse side of the holidays: why they please not everyone

Some believe that the holiday is an extravaganza, miracles and gifts, they look forward to it, deploying large-scale preparations. And others, on the contrary, come up with escape routes, just to avoid the fuss and congratulations. There are those for whom the holidays cause heavy forebodings.

“I lived in a hostel with my parents for 22 years,” recalls 30-year-old Yakov. “In my childhood, the holidays were days of opportunity, danger, and major change. I knew well about a dozen other families. And I understood that in one place you can eat something tasty, play without adults, and in another they will beat someone hard today, with a roar and shouts of “Kill!”. Various stories unfolded before me. And even then I realized that life is much more multifaceted than a picture on a holiday card.

Where does this difference come from?

Scenario from the past

“On weekdays and holidays, we reproduce what we saw before, in childhood, in the family where we grew up and were brought up. These scenarios and the way we used to “anchor” in us,” explains Denis Naumov, a clinical psychologist specializing in transactional analysis. – Someone in a cheerful company gathered relatives, friends of parents, gave gifts, laughed a lot. And someone has other memories, in which the holiday is just an excuse to drink, and as a result, the inevitable fights and quarrels. But we can not only reproduce the once adopted scenario, but also act according to a counter-scenario.

“I really wanted not to repeat in my family what I saw in childhood: dad drank on weekdays, and on holidays everything got even worse, so we didn’t celebrate birthdays so as not to arrange feasts once again, not to provoke dad,” shares 35-year-old Anastasia. “And my husband doesn’t drink and carries me in his arms. And I’m waiting for birthdays not in anxiety, but with joy.

But even some of those whose family history does not contain difficult scenes meet the holidays without much enthusiasm, resigning themselves to them as an inevitability, avoiding friendly and family gatherings, refusing gifts and congratulations …

“Parents endow us with a message that we carry throughout our lives,” continues Denis Naumov, “and this message determines the life scenario. From parents or significant adults, we learn not to accept praise, not to share “pats” with others. I met with clients who thought it was shameful to celebrate a birthday: “What right do I have to pay attention to myself? To praise oneself is not good, to flaunt it is not good. Often such people who do not know how to praise themselves, please, give gifts to themselves, suffer from depression in adulthood. One way to help yourself is to pamper your inner child, which is in each of us, to support and learn to praise.

Accepting gifts, giving them to others, allowing yourself to celebrate a birthday, or just giving yourself an extra day off – for some of us, this is aerobatics, which takes a long time and re-learning.

But holidays are not only a way to return joy to your “little self”, but also an opportunity to streamline life.

reference points

Everyone comes into this world with the only initial supply – time. And all our lives we try to occupy him with something. “From the point of view of transactional analysis, we have a need for structure: we create a scheme for life, so it’s calmer,” explains Denis Naumov. – The chronology, numbers, hours – all this was invented in order to somehow classify, structure what is around us, and everything that happens to us. Without it, we worry, we lose ground under our feet. Major dates, holidays work for the same global task – to give us confidence and integrity of the world and life.

Confidence that, no matter what, on the night of December 31 to January 1, the New Year will come, and the birthday will count down a new stage in life. Therefore, even if we do not want to arrange a feast or a grandiose event from the red day of the calendar, these dates are fixed by consciousness. And what emotions we color them with is another matter.

Holidays are what connects us with nature, says analytical psychologist Alla German. “The first thing that a person paid attention to long ago was the cyclical nature of the day and seasons. There are four key points in the year: the spring and autumn equinoxes, the winter and summer solstices. Key holidays were tied to these points for each nation. For example, European Christmas falls on the winter solstice. At this time, daylight hours are the shortest. Looks like the darkness is about to win. But soon the sun begins to rise in strength. A star lights up in the sky, announcing the coming of light.

European Christmas is loaded with symbolic meaning: it is the beginning, the threshold, the starting point. At such moments, we sum up the past 12 months, feel sad, parting with the past, and rejoice, meeting the future. Each year is not a run in circles, but a new turn in a spiral, with new experiences that we are trying to comprehend at these key points. But this is not always possible. Why?

Overflowing bowl

“We sometimes come to the holiday full of information and events. We do not have time to process this material, so the tension remains, – says Alla German. – You need to pour it somewhere, somehow discharge it. Therefore, there are fights, injuries and hospitalizations, which are especially numerous on holidays. At this time, more alcohol is also consumed, and it reduces internal censorship and releases our Shadow – negative qualities that we hide from ourselves.

The shadow can also manifest itself in verbal aggression: in many Christmas films (for example, Love the Coopers, directed by Jesse Nelson, 2015), the assembled family first quarrels, and then reconciles in the finale. And someone goes to physical actions, unleashing a real war in the family, with neighbors, friends.

But there are also eco-friendly ways to blow off steam, like dancing or taking a trip. Or host a party with lavish food and fancy costumes. And not necessarily on holidays, although more often it is timed to coincide with an event that causes strong emotions in many people.

The psychologist suggests recalling the World Cup, which took place in the summer of 2018: “I live in the center of Moscow, and around the clock we heard cries of joy and delight, then wild animal roars,” recalls Alla German, “completely different feelings were combined in one space and emotions. Both fans and those who are far from sports played out a symbolic confrontation: country against country, team against team, ours against not ours. Thanks to this, they could be heroes, throw away what they have accumulated in their soul and body, and show all aspects of their psyche, including the shadow ones.

By the same principle, in previous centuries, carnivals were held in Europe, where the king could dress up as a beggar, and a pious lady as a witch. Unleashing your Shadow without hurting those around you is the best way to free your overflowing cup.

The modern world has picked up a crazy pace. Running, running, running… Advertising from screens, posters, shop windows urges us to make purchases, lures us with promotions and discounts, puts pressure on guilt: have you bought gifts for parents, children? 38-year-old Vlada is recognized. – Society requires fuss: cooking, setting the table, perhaps receiving guests, calling someone, congratulating. I decided that on holidays it’s better for me to go to a hotel on the seashore, where you can do nothing, just be with your loved one.

And 40-year-old Victoria, too, once used to be lonely on such days: she recently divorced and no longer fits into family companies. “And then I began to find in this silence an opportunity to hear what I really want, to think and dream about how I would live.”

It is not yet very customary for us to sum up the results before the birthday and make plans for the future. “But in the accounting department of any, even a small company, a balance sheet is necessarily reduced and a budget for the next year is created,” says Alla German. So why not do the same in your life? For example, during the celebration of the Jewish New Year, it is customary to spend “days of silence” – to be alone with yourself and digest the accumulated experience and emotions. And not only to digest, but also to accept both victories and failures. And it’s not always fun.

“But this is the sacred meaning of the holidays, when opposites meet. A holiday is always two poles, it is the closing of one stage and the opening of a new one. And often these days we are going through a crisis, – explains Alla German. “But the ability to experience this polarity allows us to experience catharsis by deciphering the deep meaning in it.”

What will be the holiday, cheerful or sad, is our decision, Denis Naumov is convinced: “This is the moment of choice: with whom I want to start a new stage of life, and with whom not. If we feel like we need to be alone, we have a right to be. Or we conduct an audit and remember those who have received little attention lately, those who are dear, call them or go to visit. Making an honest choice for yourself and others is sometimes the most difficult, but also the most resourceful.”

For example, once you decide and stop waiting, as in childhood, for a miracle and magic, but create it with your own hands. How 45-year-old Daria does it. “Over the years, I have learned to include an internal holiday. Loneliness? Well, then, I will catch the buzz in it. Close ones? So, I will be glad to communicate with them. Has anyone new arrived? Well, it’s cool! I stopped building expectations. And it’s so great!