Concern for the child is an eternal companion of parenthood. But often our anxiety is unfounded. We can worry in vain simply because we know little about the characteristics of a particular childhood age, says child psychologist Tatyana Bednik.
Psychologies: In your experience, what false alarms about a child do parents have?
Tatyana Bednik: For example, someone in the family had a child with autism. And it seems to parents that their child makes the same gestures, walks on tiptoe in the same way — that is, they cling to external, completely insignificant signs and begin to worry. It happens that mother and child do not match in temperament: she is calm, melancholic, and he is very mobile, active. And it seems to her that something is wrong with him. Someone is worried that the child is fighting over toys, although for his age this behavior is completely normal, and parents are afraid that he is growing up aggressive.
Are we too inclined to treat a child like an adult?
T. B .: Yes, often problems are associated with a lack of understanding of what a child is, what are the features of a particular age, how much a child is able to regulate his emotions and behave the way we want. Now parents are very focused on early development and often complain: he just needs to run, you can’t make him sit down to listen to fairy tales, or: a child in a developmental group does not want to sit at the table and do something, but walks around the room. And this is about a 2-3-year-old child. Although even a 4-5-year-old finds it difficult to remain still.
Another typical complaint is that a small child is naughty, he has outbursts of rage, he is tormented by fears. But at this age, the cerebral cortex, which is responsible for control, is not yet developed, he cannot cope with his emotions. Only much later will he learn to look at the situation from the outside.
Will it happen by itself? Or partly depends on the parents?
T. B .: It is very important that parents understand and feel sorry for him! But most often they say to him: “Shut up! Stop it! Go to your room and don’t come out until you calm down!» The poor child is already so upset, and he is also expelled!
Or another typical situation: in the sandbox, a 2-3-year-old child takes away a toy from another — and adults begin to shame him, scold him: “Shame on you, this is not your car, this is Petina, give it to him!” But he just doesn’t understand yet what is “mine” and what is “foreign”, why reproach him? The formation of the child’s brain is very dependent on the environment, on the relationships that he develops with loved ones.
Sometimes parents are frightened that they first understood the child, and then stopped …
T. B .: Yes, it can be difficult for them to rebuild and understand that it is changing. While the child is small, the mother can behave with him very reasonably and correctly, she insures him and allows him to take the initiative. But now he has grown up — and his mother is not ready to take a step further and give him more independence, she still behaves with him in the same way as she did with the little one. Especially often misunderstanding occurs when the child becomes a teenager. He already considers himself an adult, and his parents cannot accept this.
Each age stage has its own tasks, its own goals, and the distance between the child and parents should increase and increase, but not all adults are ready for this.
How can we learn to understand a child?
T. B .: It is important that the mother, from the earliest age of the child, looks at him, reacts to his slightest changes, sees what he feels: tense, scared … She learns to read the signals that the child sends, and he — her. It is always a mutual process. Sometimes parents do not understand: what to talk about with a child who still cannot speak? In fact, communicating with the child, we form these connections with him, this is mutual understanding.
But we still miss something. How can parents deal with guilt?
TB: It seems to me that everything is simple. We are all imperfect, we are all «some» and, accordingly, raise «some» and not ideal children. If we avoid one mistake, we will make another. If a parent eventually sees clearly and sees what he made a mistake, he may think about what to do with it, how to move on now, how to act differently. In this case, the feeling of guilt makes us wiser and more human, allows us to develop.