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You returned home in high spirits. It seems to you — no, you are sure — that you have finally met your man. But a few days pass, and it turns out that you are not at all interesting to your “soulmate”. Why is this happening?
Mark was glad that his first date with Emma went really well. They planned to meet after work for some drinks, and ended up talking for three hours. “We really suited each other,” Mark told me at the next therapy session. “Emma and I had many common interests, and the conversation flowed easily. Every time the waiter asked if we would like another drink, she answered yes.
The next day, Mark texted Emma and asked when they would see each other again. “She replied that she liked everything, but she was not interested in a second date. Mark was embarrassed and offended at the same time: “Why did she have to spend three hours with me if I didn’t interest her? I do not understand».
I hear similar stories from many clients: at the first meeting everything goes well, but for some reason the new acquaintance does not want to continue communication. Moreover, I have worked with men and women who find themselves on both sides of this dating scenario, and I can confirm that such behavior causes bewilderment in the rejected.
“How could I have misunderstood the situation so much?” That’s the question they should be asking. But most likely they didn’t. Here are five reasons why you might be denied a second date, even if the first one went well.
1. He (she) liked you, but not in a romantic way.
Here is the most common explanation I hear: your counterpart really enjoyed your company, he really decided that you were a good person, a cheerful and interesting conversationalist, he found you attractive, but … he just didn’t feel any “chemistry” next to you. He was not overwhelmed by a sense of sexual or romantic attraction. The word “chemistry” is important here, because we are not talking about any specific physical features, but about little things that nevertheless can play a decisive role.
2. He hasn’t broken up with his ex yet (or she’s with her ex)
Among my clients there are a lot of those who go on dates without putting an end to the previous relationship. Why do they do it? They meet new people in the hope of finding an amazing partner: they hope that a wonderful meeting will help them forget about the past, let go of the situation and move on with their lives. And at the same time, they set the bar so high for subsequent candidates that it is very difficult to meet.
For people who are dependent on the past, it is much higher than for those who are looking for a partner in calmer circumstances. In other words, if this person wasn’t so wrapped up in their history with past relationships, they might very well want a second date with you. And at the moment he is not emotionally free enough to get to know you better.
3. You remind him of someone, and this similarity extinguishes interest.
Another common reason for not going on a second date is that you evoke certain associations with him, and this feeling of meeting something very familiar spoils the whole thing: “wow, he looked exactly like my father in old photographs” , or «she went to the same school as my ex» or «she’s a lawyer, and the last two lawyers I met weren’t very nice people.»
That is, he decided from the very beginning that you were not a couple for him (because of this very similarity), but since you were sweet and cheerful on a date, he decided to use this time in the best possible way.
4. In a way, you are too good for him.
Each of us has a kind of built-in radar for identifying situations that put us down, force ourselves to be ashamed, feel our “badness”. For example, next to a truly competent and ambitious person, someone may feel like a loser and a stupid life-breaker. Next to an athletic, fit supporter of a healthy lifestyle — scold yourself for your love of «junk» food, lethargy and passivity.
In short, when you are on a date with such a person, you will feel that either you have to struggle to reach his level (hard to achieve), or he will (willingly or unwittingly) condemn your lifestyle. And who wants to continue a relationship in which he will have to feel like a mediocrity and an outsider?
5. He just wants to have sex
You may have met on a dating app where he stated that he was looking for a serious relationship, but in reality he is more interested in a sexual adventure. And precisely because he liked you and had a good time together, he did not want to hurt your feelings. He refused to continue, realizing that he needed a light fling and that he did not plan to see you again.
In short, the most common reasons for refusing to continue a relationship are usually related to him, and not to any shortcomings or shortcomings on your part. Since many of those who have been rejected become painfully self-reflective and self-indulgent, I must declare that this is not a good decision for your self-esteem, and moreover, it is most likely based on erroneous assumptions.
About the author: Guy Winch is a clinical psychologist, member of the American Psychological Association, and author of several books, one of which is Psychological First Aid (Medley, 2014).