Sexual abuse: how to warn a child about the danger

The risk of encountering sexual abuse for a child is 4 times higher than the likelihood of being hit by a car on the road. It is especially high in children of middle preschool age (4-5 years).

“Children cannot protect themselves from abuse themselves — due to age-related misunderstanding of many processes, physical weakness, immaturity of the ego and a dependent position,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitova. “We are older and stronger, and although we cannot give them XNUMX% protection, we can significantly reduce their risks.”

In the book How Would You Explain… Ekaterina Sigitova explains in detail how to talk to children about their personal safety, specifying that parents first need to work through their own traumatic or negative experience, not immediately dump everything they know on the child, and stay in within the scope of his questions.

When to speak?

The minimum age is from the age of 2, that is, when the child begins to understand the differences between «friend and foe». The optimal age is 6-12 years. It is advisable to build a conversation around the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbsafety (and use this word), and not «give information about abuse.» So you will not scare or alarm the child.

You can start the conversation yourself. Moreover, it is better to do this not in the wake of some situation, but in a normal, calm environment (exceptions are scenes from a movie or from life, which obviously strain the child a lot).

Convenient situations to start a conversation:

• bathing a child;
• the day of a medical examination by a pediatrician or after vaccination;
• putting to bed;
• shared time between parent and child when they usually talk (eg, family gatherings in the evening, walking the dog, commuting to and from school).

What to say?

Tell the child that he has intimate places on his body, show where they are, and name them — just like you show and name the rest of the body: eyes, ears, arms, legs. It is better not to use euphemisms, but to give preference to the usual names of the genitals. This will help avoid misunderstandings if the child reports the incident to another adult.

It is important to teach children not only about their body, but also about the anatomy of the opposite sex — because the abuser can be of any gender. Explain to your child that the other person can only see and touch their private parts when it is necessary for health, safety or cleanliness reasons. Examples: bathing, visiting a doctor, putting on sunblock.

This applies to any other person: parents, relatives, teacher, nanny, doctor, men and women, and even older children. Statistics show that in 37% of cases the abuser is a member of the child’s family.

But even when it comes to health and cleanliness, if the child is uncomfortable or hurt, the child has the right to say “stop doing this” and tell the parents immediately. As for unsafe touching, it must be said that there are things that no one should ever do with a child. And if someone does them or asks to do them, you need to say “no”.

examples:

• put the child’s hands in shorts or under clothes;
• touch the child’s genitals;
• asking a child to touch the genitals of another person;
• remove clothes from the child, especially underwear;
• photograph or film a child without clothes.

It is important not to give the impression that sexual pleasure in children (including masturbation) is in itself wrong or shameful. Problems begin when someone else uses them for sexual purposes.

The child’s body is his body and no one else’s. It is very important to be able to say “no” to the other person in such situations. Therefore, for example, you should not force a child to kiss or hug one of your friends or relatives if he does not want to.

How to say «no»?

You can teach your child these simple phrases:

• «I don’t want to be touched like that»;
• «I do not want to do this»;
• “I don’t like it, stop it”;
• «Get away from me, leave me.»

You can also teach non-verbal ways of expressing refusal: shake your head, move away or run away, remove your hands from yourself, do not give your hands.

Another option is to play questions and answers about typical situations: what would you say if someone you didn’t know approached you on the site and said that he had a dog in his car?

What if someone you know asks you to take off your clothes and says it’s a secret? How do you respond if you are offered money to do something you don’t want to do?

Let the child know that if he feels uncomfortable with someone, he can move away or leave the room, even if it looks rude to an adult. Make sure he won’t be punished for it. Safety is more important than politeness.

Sample phrases

Here are some typical phrases that can help build communication that a child can understand.

• I want to talk to you about security related to your body. Some parts of the body of people are intimate, these are those that we cover with shorts (and a bra). You have them too, they are called so-and-so. They are very rarely seen by anyone, and only some adults can touch them.
• Adults do not need to touch children’s private parts, except when they are washing children or taking care of their health. Then it’s safe touch. If some adult tells you that touching children’s intimate places is normal and good, do not believe him, this is not true.
• All people are different, and some may behave strangely. Even the ones you know. They may try to touch your intimate parts of the body, which may make you feel embarrassed, sad, unpleasant or uncomfortable. Such touches are not safe. Parents should be told about such adults, because some of them are unwell and need treatment.
• A strange adult might tell you that this is a game, or that you will like such touches. It is not true.
• Never follow strangers or get into other people’s cars, no matter what these people tell you. For example, you may be asked to look at toys, or at a dog, or told that someone is in trouble and needs help. In such cases, first tell me or the adult who walks with you.
• Do not tell other adults that you are home alone.
• If it seems to you that something is wrong, trust this feeling and move away from unpleasant people.
• Think about which adult you can tell about this if me or dad is not around? It happens that they do not immediately believe you, then you need to continue to tell other adults until you meet someone who will believe and help.
• Even if the strange person who touches you says that you should not tell anything — for example, because he will feel bad, or your parents will feel bad, or that he will do something bad to you, this is all not true. He deliberately deceives because he does bad things and does not want to be known about it. It’s not your fault that you came across such a person, and you shouldn’t keep such a secret.

All these conversations should be constant and as mundane as possible. When you teach a child to cross the road, you probably repeat the rules many times, and even check how the child remembers it. You can do the same with this topic.

But apart from talking, there is something very important that greatly reduces the risks: it is the availability of you, the parents, for close emotional contact with the child. Be at arm’s length for your children — and this will be the main guarantee of their safety.

Read more in the book by Ekaterina Sigitova «How to explain to you: we find the right words to talk with children» (Alpina Publisher, 2020).