At first glance, it seems that the main causes of bullying are uncontrolled teenage aggression, the inability to manage emotions and build relationships with peers. However, bad behavior is only a symptom. What happens in the soul of a child who bullies other children, where to look for the roots of the problem and, most importantly, what should parents do if their child turned out to be the main “villain”?
At the word “bullying” every parent is worried: does anyone offend his child. We tend to idealize our own children, and therefore we rarely think that a son or daughter may not be a victim, but an aggressor. However, as family therapist Jennifer Cannon notes, “every child is capable of participating in bullying, even if they look like an angel.”
Why do kids choose bullying?
A bully who haunts classmates is unlikely to evoke sympathy. But when our own child is involved in bullying, we can have conflicting feelings. Of course, such behavior should not be ignored, but before proceeding to specific actions, it is useful to know what is the reason for the aggression. What problems is the child trying to solve in this way? What happens in the soul of a teenager who has chosen the role of the aggressor?
Family therapist Ronald Mach identifies two reasons why a child may engage in bullying: “First, children who are successful with their peers use bullying as a way to maintain others’ belief in their power and influence. Secondly, bullying is often carried out by those who themselves once faced injustice and now consider themselves entitled to oppress others.
Canadian psychologist Gordon Neufeld believes that when studying bullying in a children’s team, we often attach excessive importance to behavioral manifestations, losing sight of the root of the problem: “Aggression towards peers is closely related to attachment disorders. If a child feels vulnerable, this leads to a desire to dominate others. He exploits their weakness, which is the essence of bullying.”
The need for close, secure relationships is one of the basic needs of a child. Therefore, if he lacks the support and acceptance of his parents, it is difficult for him to build healthy relationships with peers.
“I saw children who felt powerless and invisible at home, and bullied at school,” says psychologist and educator Gail Gross. — A child needs the love and respect of adults, especially parents. And if he does not get this home, then he does not feel significant and becomes vulnerable. These feelings turn into anger and resentment, which he then takes out on his classmates.
How to react to parents?
According to Neufeld, it is important that a caring and understanding adult is next to the child, who will help him understand his feelings, treat him with acceptance, and show another example of a relationship. If such an adult is absent, the teenager will inevitably seek understanding and support among peers with similar aggressive impulses.
Gail Macklem, author of Bullying and Teasing, Social Power in Children’s Groups, recommends that you first understand what causes your child to engage in bullying. Perhaps he is having a hard time dealing with a fit of anger, or he is trying to win the acceptance of his classmates, which means that he really lacks confidence.
Help your son or daughter see their own worth, regardless of what their peers think. Macklem advises explaining to the child that he always has a choice of how to behave with others. Invite them to reflect on how they would feel if they were being bullied. Developing emotional intelligence and empathy skills is the most effective way to prevent aggressive behavior in the future.
Even if a teenager has long been taller than you, he is still a child and needs help and love. Our task is to teach him to cope with his own feelings, to show that relationships are possible without violence and aggression. In addition, this is an occasion to ask ourselves: what do we do when we are overwhelmed with anger or resentment, what words would help us at a difficult moment. Sharing our own experience, recognizing that we also tend to get annoyed or angry, can be much more effective than edification and moralizing.