The infancy period lasts from birth to one year. What to educate at this time?
Children need to be taught how to use their parents properly.
Situation: Christoph, 8 months old, fully breastfed. He recently grew his first teeth. Suddenly he began to bite hard on his mother’s chest. Task — Christophe needs to be taught the rule: “You have to be careful with your teeth while breastfeeding.”
His mom applies a timeout: with words «It was very painful!» she puts it on the play mat. And he turns away for a minute or two, ignoring the weeping Christophe. At the end of this time, she takes it and says: «We’ll try again, but be careful with your teeth!» Now Christophe drinks carefully.
If he bites again, mom will immediately put him on the mat again and leave him unattended, and wait 1-2 minutes to attach to the breast again.
One more example:
- Paul’s story, 8 months old, you already know from the first chapter. He was always extremely unhappy, crying for several hours a day, despite the fact that his mother constantly entertained him with new attractions that helped only for a short time.
I quickly agreed with my parents that Paul needed to learn one new rule: “I have to entertain myself at the same time every day. Mom is doing her own thing at this time. How could he learn it? He was not yet a year old. You can’t just take him into a room and say: «Now play alone.»
After breakfast, as a rule, he was in the best mood. So Mom decided to choose this time to clean the kitchen. After placing Paul on the floor and giving him some kitchen utensils, she sat down and looked at him and said: «Now I have to clean the kitchen». For the next 10 minutes, she did her homework. Paul, although he was nearby, was not the center of attention.
As expected, a few minutes later the kitchen utensils were thrown into the corner, and Paul, sobbing, hung on his mother’s legs and asked to be held. He was used to the fact that all his desires were immediately fulfilled. And then something happened that he did not expect at all. Mom took him and again put him a little further on the floor with the words: «I need to clean the kitchen». Paul, of course, was outraged. He raised the volume of the yell and crawled to his mother’s feet. Mom repeated the same thing: she took him and again put him a little further on the floor with the words: “I need to clean the kitchen, baby. After that, I will play with you again» (broken record).
All this happened again.
The next time, as agreed, she went a little further. She put Paul in the arena, standing within sight. Mom continued cleaning, despite the fact that his screams were driving her crazy. Every 2-3 minutes she turned to him and said: “First I need to clean the kitchen, then I can play with you again.” After 10 minutes, all her attention belonged to Paul again. She was glad and proud that she endured, although little came of the cleaning.
She did the same in the following days. Each time, she planned in advance what she would do — clean up, read the newspaper or eat breakfast until the end, gradually bringing the time to 30 minutes. On the third day, Paul didn’t cry anymore. He sat in the arena and played. Then she did not see the need for a playpen, unless the child hung on it so that it was impossible to move. Paul gradually got used to the fact that at this time he is not the center of attention and will achieve nothing by shouting. And independently decided to increasingly play alone, instead of just sitting and yelling. For both of them, this achievement was very useful, so in the same way I introduced another half an hour of free time for myself in the afternoon.
One to two years
Many children, as soon as they scream, immediately get what they want. Parents wish them only the best. They want the child to feel comfortable. Always comfortable. Unfortunately this method doesn’t work. On the contrary: children like Paul are always unhappy. They cry a lot because they learned: «Screaming gets attention.» From early childhood, they are dependent on their parents, so they cannot develop and realize their own abilities and inclinations. And without this, it is impossible to find something to your liking. They never understand that parents also have needs. A time out in the same room with mom or dad is a possible solution here: the child is not punished, stays close to the parent, but nevertheless does not get what he wants.
- Even if the child is still very young, use «I-messages» during the «Time Out»: “I have to clean up.” “I want to finish my breakfast.” “I have to call.” It can’t be too early for them. The child sees your needs and at the same time you lose the opportunity to scold or reproach the baby.
Last example:
- Remember Patrick, «the horror of the whole band»? The two-year-old bites, fights, pulls out toys and throws them. Every time, mom comes up and scolds him. Almost every time she promises: «If you do it one more time, we’ll go home.» But never does.
How can you do it here? If Patrick has hurt another child, a short «statement» can be made. Kneel down (sit down), looking straight at him and holding his hands in yours, say: «Stop! Stop it now!» You can take him to another corner of the room, and without paying any attention to Paul, comfort the «victim». If Patrick bites or hits someone again, you need to act immediately. Since he is still small and it is impossible to send him out of the room alone, his mother must leave the group with him. During the timeout, although she is nearby, she does not pay much attention to him. If he cries, you can tell: «If you calm down, we can come in again.» Thus, she emphasizes the positive. If the crying doesn’t stop, they both go home.
There is also a time out: Patrick was taken away from the children and heaps of interesting toys.
As soon as the child plays peacefully for a while, the mother sits down to him, praises and gives her attention. Thus focusing on the good.