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Today, marriage has become the object of close attention of psychologists. In the modern world, connections and relationships are too fragile, and many dream of an ideal family as protection from external adversity, the last oasis of stability and tranquility. These dreams make us doubt ourselves and create relationship problems. French experts Psychologies debunk the myths about happy unions.
Let’s just say right away: no one believes in an ideal family anymore. However, it is not because of this that we have abandoned the concept of the “ideal family” that is present in our dreams and which, as a rule, is fundamentally different from the family “core” in which we grew up or which we built around ourselves. Everyone models this idea according to their life experience. It leads us to the desire to have a family without flaws, which serves as a refuge from the outside world.
“The ideal is necessary, it is the engine that helps us move forward and develop,” explains Robert Neuburger, author of The Couple: Myth and Therapy. “But be careful: if the bar is too high, difficulties can arise.” We provide a guide to the four main myths that prevent children from growing up and adults from doing their duty without guilt and doubt.
Myth 1. Mutual understanding always reigns in a good family.
No one scandalizes, everyone is ready to listen to each other, all misunderstandings are immediately cleared up. Nobody slams doors, no crisis and no stress.
This picture is captivating. Because today, in the era of the most shaky relationships and ties in the history of mankind, the conflict is perceived as a threat, associated with misunderstanding and omissions, and therefore with a possible explosion within a single couple or family.
Therefore, people try to avoid everything that can serve as a source of disagreement. We bargain, we negotiate, we give up, but we don’t want to face the conflict head on. This is bad, because quarrels heal relationships and allow everyone to be judged according to their role and importance.
Every repressed conflict gives rise to underlying violence, which eventually leads to an explosion or other unpleasant consequences.
For most parents, communicating with a child means talking a lot. Too many words, explanations, a million repetitions nevertheless lead to the opposite result: children generally cease to understand anything. «Smooth» communication is also carried out by non-verbal language, that is, gestures, silence and just presence.
In a family, as in a couple, it is not at all necessary to tell each other absolutely everything. Parents experience emotional and verbal intimacy with their children as evidence of true involvement. Children, for their part, feel trapped in such relationships, to the point that they resort to extreme measures (such as drugs) that express their deep need to separate. Conflicts and quarrels would help them get more air and freedom.
Myth 2. Everyone loves each other
There is always harmony and respect; all this turns your home into an oasis of peace.
We know that feelings have an ambivalent nature, for example, rivalry is also a part of love, as well as irritation, anger or hatred … If you deny this versatility, then you live in disharmony with your own emotions.
And then, two opposite needs often occur in a family: the desire to be together and to be independent. Finding the right balance, while not judging yourself or others, is to take a fundamental step towards independence and mutual respect.
In the collective unconscious, the idea is alive that the right upbringing is the minimum manifestation of authority.
Joint life is often endowed with qualities in which great danger lies. For example, they say: “I have such talented and sweet children,” as if the family is some kind of club based on the relationship of its members. However, you are not obligated to love children for their virtues or enjoy their company, you have only one duty as a parent, to convey to them the rules of life and the best scenario for it (of all possible).
In the end, a “cute” and “cute” child can turn into a completely unsympathetic one. Are we going to stop loving him because of this? Such «sentimentalization» of the family can be fatal for everyone.
Myth 3. Children are never scolded.
You do not need to reinforce your authority, there is no need for punishment, the child easily learns all the rules. He accepts the prohibitions set by his parents, because he intuitively understands that they help him grow.
This myth is too strong to die. In the collective unconscious, the idea is alive that the right upbringing is the minimum manifestation of authority. At the origins of this myth lies the idea that a child initially contains all the components necessary for adult life: it is enough to “fertilize them properly”, as if we are talking about a plant that does not require special care.
This approach is destructive because it overlooks the parent’s «transmission duty» or «broadcasting». The task of the parent is to explain to the child the rules and boundaries before they are invested in him, in order to “humanize” and “socialize” them, in the words of Françoise Dolto, the pioneer of child psychiatry. In addition, children very early recognize parental guilt and skillfully manipulate them.
The fear of disturbing family harmony by quarrels with a child ends up sideways for parents, and children skillfully use this fear. The result is blackmail, bargaining and loss of parental authority.
Myth 4. Everyone has opportunities for self-expression.
Personal development is a priority. The family should not only be “a place where they learn”, but must also guarantee the fullness of existence for everyone.
This equation is difficult to solve because, according to Robert Neuburger, modern man has significantly reduced his tolerance for disappointment. Namely, the absence of inflated expectations is one of the conditions for a happy family life. The family has become an institution that should guarantee the happiness of all.
Paradoxically, this concept frees family members from responsibility. I want everything to go by itself, as if one link in the chain is able to function independently.
Do not forget that for children, the family is a place where they need to learn to separate themselves in order to fly on their own wings.
If everyone is happy, this is a good family, if the machine of happiness is acting up, it is bad. Such a view is a source of perpetual doubt. What is the antidote for this poisonous «happily ever after» concept?
Do not forget that for children, the family is a place where they need to learn to separate themselves in order to fly on their own wings. And how can you want to fly out of the nest if every desire is fulfilled, but there is no motivation as such?
Family expansion — a possible challenge
If you have made a second attempt to start a family, you need to free yourself from the pressure of «ideals». However, experts believe that in most cases the opposite happens, and the tension only grows, and the pressure becomes unbearable for both children and parents. The former do not want to feel responsible for failures, the latter deny the difficulties. We offer several ways to keep pressure under control.
1. Give yourself time. Get to know yourself, find your place and take your territory, maneuvering between children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, at your own pace and without reporting to anyone. Rush can often lead to disagreements and misunderstandings.
2. Talk. It is not necessary (and not recommended) to say everything, but it is very important to be open about what you think is “not working” in the family mechanism. Restoring a family means deciding to express your doubts, fears, claims, resentments to a new spouse … If you leave omissions, this can damage relationships and create misunderstanding.
3. Respect is the head of everything. In a family, especially if it is newly formed (new husband / wife), no one is obliged to love all its members, but it is necessary to respect each other. This is what will heal any relationship.
4. Avoid comparisons. Comparing the new family life with the previous one is useless and dangerous, especially for children. Parenting means finding new outlets for creativity and originality, two essential characteristics in a new family.
5. Ask for help. If you feel misunderstood or offended, you should contact a therapist, a family relations specialist, or a conditional advocate. Protect yourself from erroneous behavior to take hold and from events to take a worse turn.
What is the use of a myth?
The concept of the ideal family is necessary, even though it hurts. We have a myth about the ideal family in our heads. We build relationships to realize it, and at that moment we find that the ideal of one does not match the ideal of the other. It turns out that thinking about an ideal family is not at all an ideal strategy!
However, if we did not have this myth, our relationships with the opposite sex would not make much sense and they would last a maximum of one night. Why? Because the feeling of a “project” that can be created together would be missing.
“We are trying to realize our noble dream of a family, which can lead to lies and even conflict,” says psychologist Boris Tsiryulnik. “And in the face of failure, we get angry and put the blame on our partner. We need a long time to understand that the ideal often deceives and in this case perfection cannot be achieved.
For example, children cannot grow up without a family, but they can grow up in a family, even if it is difficult. This paradox also applies to a married couple: the sense of security it offers makes us healthier and relieves stress. On the other hand, life together can be an obstacle for many on the way to self-realization. Does this mean that our dream of an ideal family is more necessary than painful?