If you grew up in a dysfunctional family or in a family with an unhealthy climate, you risk entering into a relationship with a dysfunctional partner. You’ve probably already joined them, says family therapist Audrey Sherman.
Most often, dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships with a partner are similar to those that were observed in your family. And here and there are problems related to attachment, personal boundaries, self-esteem, dependency on another, lack of confidence, and willingness to endure physical or emotional abuse.
In the chosen one, we are not attracted by his qualities, often very unpleasant, but only by the fact that the whole dynamics of the relationship is already familiar. It seems to us that we can control what we already know, as opposed to the new, which is scary. If someone treats us too well, we begin to expect a dirty trick, what if he pretends and is about to show his true face? The brain tries to convince that it is better to know the truth right away.
A dysfunctional relationship is worse than no relationship
If we have already internalized the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, then we have learned to play by these rules. If someone controls us too much, we begin to react passive-aggressively. With a cruel and aggressive person, we “walk on tiptoe” so as not to provoke. If a partner is emotionally distant, we know how to bind him to us, showing how bad we are and that we need help all the time. All of these behaviors seem relatively normal because they are familiar.
A dysfunctional relationship is worse than no relationship. They suck up energy that we could spend on self-improvement. They destroy social life, affect health and make it difficult to find a partner in order to build healthy relationships.
Here 9 signs the fact that the partner is not the person with whom it is worth maintaining a relationship:
- He (she) insults you, hurts or humiliates you with words. Even if he apologizes, do not be deceived, such behavior is unacceptable.
- The partner is dangerous or aggressive. Does he threaten to harm you or himself if you leave him? You are being held hostage, it’s time to end the relationship.
- As a «punishment» for minor misdeeds, he or she begins to ignore you or treat you with extreme coldness. This is manipulation.
- The partner scolds you, shouts, allows himself slaps, pushes, blows.
- He (she) suddenly disappears for some time without explanation.
- He allows himself the behavior described above, but blames it on you or former partners for the unsuccessful outcome of the relationship.
- The partner hides information about his life from you. You are not involved in the decision-making, financial and family affairs of the partner.
- Your opinion means nothing. The partner immediately rejects any proposals.
- You do not participate in his social life, he communicates only with his friends. You are left alone, but you are required to cook, wash, take care of children and perform other duties. You feel like a servant without a paycheck.
If you notice any of the above in a relationship, it’s time to leave. You deserve a prosperous and joyful life with a person who will love and care for you.
Those who are in successful relationships and have a “support group” of friends and loved ones live longer and get sick less than those who are single or maintain dysfunctional relationships. They lead to loneliness, as well as anxiety, depression, chronic anger, inability to concentrate, and other problems. The only way to get rid of these symptoms is to break out of the abyss of constant negativity.
About the Author: Audrey Sherman is a family therapist.