On the first date, you need to be honest

The second date, like the first, was pleasant. Anna offered to go to the botanical garden – the weather was not very favorable, but the girl did not care. It was so good to communicate with Max: they moved from one topic to another, and he understood it perfectly. We discussed news, series, funny posts on social networks. And then they said goodbye, and Anna was frightened: she was too frank, too open. And she was too obviously interested in Max. “There will be no new date – I ruined everything!”

It is at this stage of a nascent relationship that things can go wrong, especially if couples fail to find the right balance. What is it and how to get it?

Show interest without being shy

Ancu Kögl has been writing about dating for many years and recently published The Art of Honest Dating. The name itself hints at what the author considers especially important in these key days and weeks of the formation of relationships – honesty. Many women’s magazines still offer their readers the old-fashioned game of not showing interest, being inaccessible. “The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us,” men’s magazines quote Pushkin in response. “However, this is precisely what often leads to the fact that people never recognize each other,” the blogger explains.

Anna’s fear that Max would disappear because she was too obviously interested in him was not justified. They met again. “A person who openly, without shame or justification, shows interest becomes incredibly attractive,” Koegl explains. “This behavior suggests that his or her self-esteem does not depend on the opinion and reaction of the interlocutor.”

Such a person seems emotionally stable, able to open up. And we, in turn, want to trust him. If Anna had tried to hide her indifference to Max, he would not have opened up either. Perhaps he would take her reticence as a contradictory signal: “I want you, but I don’t need you.” Trying to hide our interest, we thereby show ourselves insecure, timid, and therefore unattractive.

Speak directly

It’s not about immediately confessing eternal love. Koegl gives examples of tactful signals that show our interest in the interlocutor in a variety of dating situations. “Let’s say you’re in a noisy nightclub and you’ve just met someone. You communicate and seem to like each other. You can say: “I am pleased to communicate with you. Can we go to a bar? It’s quieter there, and we can have a normal conversation.”

Of course, there is always a risk of being rejected – and then what? Nothing, Koegle is sure. It happens. “Rejection says nothing about you as a person. Most of the women I met rejected me. However, I forgot about them a long time ago, because it was never important to me,” he shares. But there were also women with whom I had relationships. I met them only because I accepted my fear and nervousness, because I opened up, although I risked it.

Even though Anna is nervous, she can work up the courage to tell Max, “I love being with you. Will we meet again?”

Admit you’re nervous

Let’s face it, before the first date, most of us find ourselves in a state of confusion. The thought may even come to mind, but is it not better to cancel everything altogether. This does not mean at all that we have lost interest in the person. It’s just that we are so worried that we want to stay at home, “in a mink”. What should I wear? How to start a conversation? What if I spill a drink on my shirt or—oh my! – her skirt?

It’s normal to be so nervous before a first date, dating coaches Lindsay Crisler and Donna Barnes explain. They advise taking at least a short pause before meeting with a counterpart. “Wait a little before opening the cafe door, or close your eyes for a few seconds before going downstairs to where you are expected.”

“Say that you are nervous or that you are naturally shy,” advises Chrysler. It’s always better to be honest than to pretend you don’t care. By openly showing our feelings, we get a chance to build a normal relationship.”

Set a realistic goal

Take a deep breath and think about what you expect from the meeting. Make sure your goal isn’t too high for a first date. Let it be something realistic. For example, to have fun. Or throughout the evening be yourself. After the date, try to evaluate whether you have fulfilled your intention. If yes, then be proud of yourself! Even if there is no second date, this experience will help you become more confident in yourself.

Learn to treat yourself with humor

“Afraid to cry or spill your coffee? This is completely understandable! But, most likely, the object of your attention will not run away simply because you are a little clumsy, ”said Barnes. It’s easier to joke about your clumsiness yourself than to burn with shame all evening.

Remember: you are not at the interview

Some of us feel like our first date is like a job interview and try our best to be perfect. “But the point is not only to convince the person opposite that you are a worthy “candidate” and you need to be selected, but also to let the other person prove himself,” recalls Barnes. “So stop worrying too much about what you’re saying, whether you’re laughing too loud. Start listening to the interlocutor, try to understand what you like about her or him, and him or her about you. Proceed from the fact that you are initially attractive to a potential partner – this will give you self-confidence and make you more attractive.