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Today it is difficult to be a mother without trying to live up to the high standards that everyone is talking about. I want to do everything right, not harm the fragile psyche of the child and create optimal conditions for him to develop harmoniously. How can you avoid burning yourself out?
When I was preparing to become a mother, I read a lot — about pregnancy, childbirth, caring for a baby, proper upbringing … There are so many instructions that need to be followed in order to grow up the owner of a healthy and harmonious personality!
But how to remember and apply them all in practice without burning out, without suffering from your own perfectionism and without losing yourself in a difficult and responsible job — motherhood? My friend, who already has a child, said a phrase that saved me from anxiety then and still saves me: “The main thing is not to forget about the resource. A happy mom is a happy baby.»
Sounds good, I thought. That’s what I wanted — to enjoy the process instead of endlessly sacrificing myself. Later, I discovered that the worldly wisdom of a friend repeats the principle of conscious parenting. Perfectionism in parenting can be not only not useful, but even harmful — for both mother and child.
Children come into our lives, not the other way around
In modern society, it is customary to place the child at the center of the world. As soon as a woman becomes pregnant, she understands that her life will never be the same. This is partly true, but still there are nuances.
The birth of a baby does not mean at all that you need to leave the profession, going out, traveling for a long time and become one of those mothers who go headlong into the world of diapers, stop looking after themselves and being interested in anything else.
Children are extremely adaptive creatures: they need it to survive. And the child will learn to live in the environment in which he gets. If we create greenhouse conditions for it, then we will then have to constantly maintain them. Yes, and in life for such a person then it will be difficult.
If we provide basic comfort, resources for development and love, without fundamentally changing our lifestyle, the child harmoniously integrates into it and accepts this reality as an axiom.
Every day I try to allocate special time when all my attention is devoted to the baby — we read, play, laugh and give each other undivided attention. But during the day I have a lot of things to do — home, work, meetings … We also often do them together, even if she just watches me.
Progress for moms
Now there are a lot of devices that make life easier for a young mother and allow her to continue an active lifestyle from the first months after childbirth. While my daughter plays in the baby lounger, I cook and do laundry while describing my actions to her or listening to an audiobook. Then I take a sling — and we go shopping or visit friends.
And if you equip a room according to the Montessori system, then the child quickly learns to play on his own, giving his mother precious minutes of rest.
These simple tricks not only reduce the likelihood of postpartum depression, but also give the baby excellent sensory stimulation, which is so necessary in the first year of life.
Why it pays to be a good enough mother
Moms get tired, they have things to do, and they can’t always be 100% physically and emotionally present with their baby. The good news is that this is not necessary for the well-being of the child. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott developed the concept of the «good enough mother» that has already become a classic.
My psychoanalysis teacher even once said that his book is the only one that every parent should read. Promising, isn’t it?
A good enough mother takes care of the child and responds to his needs by about 70%. For example, she does not always immediately run up to the baby when he cries, but first finishes the job, allowing him to wait a minute or two — if, of course, nothing threatens him.
She also sometimes makes mistakes in interpreting the needs of the child, and this is also normal, even necessary. What it gives — little by little, in microdoses, the baby learns frustration, discovering that the world does not revolve around him. So he gradually prepares for an independent adult life.
Putting on a mask first
There is a famous rule in parenthood: first put a mask on yourself, then on the child. First of all, mom should take care of being in the resource. And for this, she needs time for herself, when she gives the baby to someone and does what fills her.
An exhausted and angry mother will not be able to give much anyway. Yes, and the child will feel her negative state and, most likely, become capricious. I feel it well in practice. When I push myself, I’m not good at giving love and attention to my daughter. I’m angry, it’s hard for me to smile at her, I don’t have the strength left for a passionate game.
If I organized the day correctly — I found time for yoga, meditation, a favorite thing, or just a few minutes of blissful idleness, then I meet her with sincere joy and a desire to spend time together.
This approach requires some effort and expense: you need to agree on the division of responsibilities with a partner, if possible, find assistants (a cleaner, a nanny), pick up quick recipes for simple and healthy dishes, competently organize a child’s sleep, and master the principles of time management. But for me it is the basis of happy motherhood.
What does science say
Another little secret: modern science denies a direct connection between a prosperous childhood and a successful personality in the future. Shocking? But what about the recommendations for mindful handling of children? Doesn’t all this matter? It has. It’s just that what kind of life our children end up living depends on many factors — their innate nature, the various events and meetings that await them.
Researchers compare this to the famous phenomenon of a butterfly flapping its wings, causing tiny fluctuations in the air. They, in turn, through a long chain of causes and effects, lead to a tornado on the other side of the Earth.
Our parenthood is the same flapping of wings. It is impossible to say exactly how and to what extent our actions will affect the future of the child. Yes, we try to unconditionally love him, and this is the main thing. But you should not strive to be perfect — stress will not add happiness to either mom or baby.
Children learn by example much better than words — so teach your child not about perfectionism and anxiety, but about an easy attitude to life and taking care of yourself.