Nails in the fence: how to stop saying words to children that hurt

There is such an oriental parable. The wise father gave the quick-tempered son a bag of nails and told him to drive one nail into the fence board every time he could not restrain his anger. At first, the number of nails in the fence grew exponentially. But the young man worked on himself, and his father advised him to pull a nail out of the fence every time he managed to restrain his emotions. The day came when not a single nail was left in the fence.

But the fence was no longer the same as before: it was riddled with holes. And then the father explained to his son that every time we hurt a person with words, the same hole remains in his soul, the same scar. And even if we later apologize and “take out the nail”, the scar still remains.

It’s not just anger that makes us raise the hammer and drive in nails: we often say hurtful words without thinking, criticizing acquaintances and colleagues, “just expressing our opinion” to friends and relatives. Also, raising a child.

“You are not my child, they replaced you in the hospital!”, “Here I am at your age …”, “And who are you like that!”, “Well, a copy of dad!”, “All children are like children …”, “ No wonder I always wanted a boy … «

All these words were spoken in the hearts, in a moment of despair and fatigue, in many ways they were a repetition of what the parents themselves had once heard. But the child does not know how to read these additional meanings and grasp the context, but he understands very well that he is not like that, he cannot cope, he does not meet expectations.

Now that I have grown up, the problem is not to remove these nails and patch up holes — there are psychologists and psychotherapists for that. The problem is how not to repeat mistakes and not to pronounce these burning, stinging, hurting words intentionally or automatically.

«Rising from the depths of memory, cruel words are inherited by our children»

Yulia Zakharova, clinical psychologist

Each of us has ideas about ourselves. In psychology, they are called «I-concept» and consist of an image of oneself, attitudes towards this image (that is, our self-esteem) and are manifested in behavior.

The self-concept begins to form in childhood. A small child does not yet know anything about himself. He builds his image «brick by brick», relying on the words of close people, primarily parents. It is their words, criticism, assessment, praise that become the main «building material».

The more we give a child positive evaluations, the more positive his self-concept and the more likely we are to raise a person who considers himself good, worthy of success and happiness. And vice versa — offensive words create the foundation for failure, a sense of one’s own insignificance.

With age, cruel words do not disappear anywhere. Rising from the depths of memory, they are inherited by our children. How often we find ourselves talking to them in the same hurtful terms we heard from our parents. We also want “only good things” for children and cripple their personality with words.

Previous generations lived in a situation of lack of psychological knowledge and did not see anything terrible either in insults or in physical punishments. Therefore, our parents were often not only wounded by words, but also flogged with a belt. Now that psychological knowledge is available to a wide range of people, it’s time to stop this baton of cruelty.

How then to educate?

Children are a source of not only joy, but also negative feelings: irritation, disappointment, sadness, anger. How to deal with emotions without hurting the child’s soul?

1. We educate or we cannot cope with ourselves?

Before expressing your dissatisfaction with a child, think: is this an educational measure or are you just unable to cope with your feelings?

2. Think Long Term Goals

Educational measures can pursue both short-term and long-term goals. Short-term focused on the present: stop unwanted behavior or, conversely, encourage the child to do what he does not want.

If you demand unquestioning obedience, think 20 years ahead. Do you want your child, when he grows up, to obey, not trying to defend his position? Are you raising the perfect performer, a robot?

3. Express feelings using the «I-message»

In «I-messages» we talk only about ourselves and our feelings. «I’m upset», «I’m angry», «When it’s noisy, it’s hard for me to concentrate.» However, do not confuse them with manipulation. For example: “When you get a deuce, my head hurts” is manipulation.

4. Evaluate not a person, but actions

If you think your child is doing something wrong, let him know. But by default, the child is good, and actions, words can be bad: not “you are bad”, but “it seems to me that you did something bad now”.

5. Learn to deal with emotions

If you find yourself unable to handle your feelings, make an effort and try to use the I-message. Then take care of yourself: go to another room, rest, take a walk.

If you know that you are characterized by acute impulsive reactions, master the skills of emotional self-regulation: breathing techniques, practices of conscious attention. Read about anger management strategies, try to get more rest.