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An ideal union, a relationship built solely on love, is one of the main myths. Such misconceptions can turn into serious traps along the marital path. It is important to track down and debunk these myths in time — but not in order to drown in a sea of cynicism and stop believing in love, but in order to help marriage “work” better.
1. Love alone is enough to keep things running smoothly.
A spark of passion, a lightning-fast marriage and the same rapid divorce in a couple of years. Everything becomes a reason for a quarrel: work, home, friends …
Newlyweds Lily and Max had a similar story of passion. She is a financier, he is a musician. She is calm and balanced, he is explosive and impulsive. “I thought: since we love each other, everything will work out, everything will be as it should!” she complains to her friends after the divorce.
“There is no more deceptive, painful and destructive myth,” says marriage expert Anna-Maria Bernardini. “Love alone is not enough to keep a couple on their feet. Love is the first impulse, but the boat must be strong, and it is important to constantly replenish fuel.”
London Metropolitan University conducted a survey among couples who have lived together for many years. They admit that the success of their marriage depends more on integrity and team spirit than on passion.
We consider romantic love to be the key ingredient to a happy marriage, but this is wrong. Marriage is a contract, it has been perceived for so many centuries before love was considered the main component of it. Yes, love can continue if it then transforms into a successful partnership based on shared values and mutual respect.
2. We need to do everything together
There are couples who supposedly have «one soul for two bodies.» Husband and wife do everything together and even theoretically cannot imagine a break in relations. On the one hand, this is the ideal that many aspire to. On the other hand, the erasure of differences, the deprivation of oneself of personal space and conditional shelter can mean the death of sexual desire. What feeds love does not feed desire.
“We love someone who brings us to the deepest and most hidden part of ourselves,” explains philosopher Umberto Galimberti. We are attracted to what we cannot approach, what eludes us. This is the mechanism of love.
The author of the book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” John Gray supplements his thought: “Passion flares up when a partner does something without you, is secretive and instead of getting closer, it becomes mysterious, elusive.”
The main thing is to save your space. Think of a relationship with a partner as a suite of rooms with many doors that can be opened or closed, but never locked.
3. Marriage a priori involves fidelity
We are in love. We are encouraged that once we get married, we will always be true to each other in thought, word and action. But is it really so?
Marriage is not a vaccine, it does not protect against desire, it does not eliminate in one moment the attraction that one can experience for a stranger. Loyalty is a conscious choice: we decide that no one and nothing matters except our partner, and day after day we continue to choose a loved one.
“I had a colleague that I really liked,” says 32-year-old Maria. I even tried to seduce him. I thought then: “My marriage is like a prison for me!” Only then I realized that nothing matters, except for our relationship with my husband, trust and tenderness for him.”
4. Having children strengthens a marriage
The degree of family well-being decreases after the birth of children and does not return to its previous positions until the grown-up offspring leave the house to start an independent life. Some men are known to feel betrayed after the birth of a son, and some women turn away from their husbands and fully concentrate on their new role as a mother. If a marriage is already crumbling, having a baby can be the last straw.
John Gray argues in his book that the attention that children demand often becomes a source of stress and strife. Therefore, the relationship in a couple must be strong before the “child test” befalls them. You need to know that the arrival of a baby will change everything, and be ready to accept this challenge.
5. Everyone creates their own family model
Many people think that with marriage, you can start everything from scratch, leave the past behind and start a new family. Were your parents hippies? A girl who grew up in a mess will create her own small but strong household. Family life was based on rigor and discipline? The page is turned, giving place to love and tenderness. In real life, it’s not like that. It is not so easy to get rid of those family patterns, according to which we lived in childhood. Children copy the behavior of their parents or do the opposite, often without even realizing it.
“I fought for a traditional family, a wedding in a church and the baptism of children. I have a wonderful home, I am a member of two charitable organizations, 38-year-old Anna shares. “But it seems like every day I hear the laughter of my mother, who criticizes me for becoming part of the “system”. And I can’t be proud of what I have achieved because of this. ”
What to do? Accept heredity or gradually overcome it? The solution lies in the path that the couple goes through, changing the common reality day by day, because love (and we should not forget this) is not only a part of marriage, but also its purpose.