Last Sunday, at the Memory, Maylis won the game. She was euphoric! ” I am the best ! »But when, in the game of the 7 families, you had the misfortune to take Maman Pig back from her, did she start to cry? And when you won, she sent the cards flying in the living room.
With you, it stops there. Corn if she plays with her big brother, that’s the tragedy: your son refuses to let her win in order to have peace. And as soon as your daughter loses, she sulks or storms. Would she be a bad player? And you who were just looking for a way to have a good time together …
Winning, a way to control everything
At this age, lose at the game sometimes refers to certain fears. The child may wonder if he is at risk of lose the love of his parents. This is why his reaction, at first glance disproportionate and to which we want to reply “Is it over, this whim?” “, calls for a more measured response. This perhaps indicates, in his internal security, a loophole which we will have to try to find the origin. How can you help her overcome her fears? Other times, if the child still wants to win, it is because the idea of not mastering everything crumples him.
This child “controller” quickly recognizes himself on a daily basis: he plays the “chef” all the time, for the snack menu, the game that we are going to play… Thus, he ensures a certain mastery of his universe and, by that, a means of keeping at a distance, even of curbing, his anguish. We understand better why wanting to win every time means so much to him. And why the words of consolation like, “It does not matter”, “You will win next time” are doomed to go unheeded.
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Losing is quite a learning process!
At 4-5 years old, the child is still in full magic thought: all he wants, he thinks he will have it… Wanting to win, for him, is a way of expressing a “good ”Aggressiveness, that which pushes him to run very fast, to measure himself against others. In short, to surpass oneself. It is only with time that the acceptance of not being the first everywhere will come.
Playing is mostly for fun
To keep playing with him a pleasure, identify risky situations. Playing with his siblings is not easy. This reactivates the rivalry, classic, in the siblings. Before the game, remind the sore loser : “Do you remember that your brothers are not going to let you win?” They also don’t like to lose. So if you really want to win, better not to play. By this booster shot, he may realize that indeed, tonight he is in a bad mood and if he loses, he will moan. With his friends, thechild does not always dare to show that he is a bad loser. And you ? Like all parents, you let him win sometimes, but not always. And you don’t try to beat him up to teach him a lesson, either. Reassure him by repeating that it’s just a game, if he loses he will not lose anything “for real”, you will still love him as much and he will stay the same no matter how high he scores. It’s up to you to add that basically, the main thing is not to know who has more or less, but to have fun. And there, everyone can be tied!
Author: Anne Lamy
Thanks to Anne Gatecel, psychologist and author of “L’Imaginaire”, ed. Bayard.