Men Don’t Cry: Why It’s So Important to Teach Boys to Express Their Feelings

“In my practice, I often see that suppression of emotions and the desire to conform to stereotypes of masculinity push teenagers to steal, violence and self-destruction,” says Michael Reichert, founder of the Center for the Study of Boys and Girls at the University of Pennsylvania. “Lack of understanding, unwillingness of adults to listen to them and psychological isolation lead to a tragic choice.”

It is believed that boys should ignore their feelings or hide them. But the inability to express emotions makes it difficult to both understand yourself and get close to others. By driving boys into the stereotype of a real man, devoid of feelings and invulnerable, we neglect their social needs and make them weak. The only way for parents and society as a whole is to raise boys in a positive, healthy environment.

The price of «courageous» restraint

Boys often come to class less prepared than girls and take longer to adapt to a new environment, making it harder for them to learn than their peers. They are also punished more severely for disobedience, which leads to antisocial behavior.

Men who were raised in childhood with false attitudes are more prone to depression and more likely to commit suicide, they have more problems in personal relationships. They often feel lonely, isolated, more prone to prejudices about love and sex — for example, they believe that they are not able to control their instincts or do not need affection, tenderness, deep feelings. This leads to misunderstanding and, much worse, sexual and domestic violence. In addition, men are less likely to see a doctor and die earlier than women.

Confronting gender attitudes is not easy. Many parents still believe that being a «sissy» is bad and that a boy can be spoiled by love and affection. Growing up, the boys begin to fight, deliberately keep their distance from male friends so that no one doubts their masculinity, they are afraid to be known as sissies and “girls”.

“The image of a “real man” has not changed for centuries, and until now, new ideas are being formed extremely slowly,” Reichert complains. It’s hard to ignore the social pressure of stereotypes, but the damage they cause is clear.

How to raise sons contrary to stereotypes

But there is good news: it is in our power to make a difference and raise boys to be sympathetic and sincere. It is necessary to start from early childhood, treating the child with trust and love, talking openly with him, creating an atmosphere of intimacy, while not violating the boundaries of the individual and giving scope for self-realization. Here are some helpful tips.

1. Let boys play with dolls

Separation of toys by gender is harmful to children of both sexes. Often, children are furnished according to social norms, and toys are selected according to gender. This separation prevents boys from getting their first lessons in compassion and responsibility, to learn empathy.

Why is it so important? Thanks to empathy, we understand what others think and feel, it makes us brave not for ourselves, but for the sake of another, it helps us feel happier. People with the ability to empathize quickly get used to a new team, know how to work in a team, openly show sympathy, sincerely be interested in someone else’s life and be happy for others. Studies have shown that such a person is more easily accepted into a student company and is more likely to be hired.

Let the boy play with dolls. Believe me, the child will like to take care of her, console, take care of her.

2. Read together

When a parent reads a book to a son or daughter, he puts his emotions into this process, and the child can look at the situation through someone else’s eyes. As you read, stop and ask: How do you think the character is feeling? How to help him? Research has shown that reading together helps your child interact with peers and teaches empathy.

3. Show boys that you love them.

Sons also need warmth and affection, just like daughters. Do not forbid them to sometimes sleep with you, hug and kiss, climb onto their knees. The severity and aloofness of parents will not make boys more courageous. On the contrary, men deprived of maternal affection in childhood are more likely to suffer from depression and difficulties in their personal lives. It is difficult for them to get along even in their own family.

Believe me, in due time every child will want to become independent. Don’t rush him. Trying to «love at a distance» is a big mistake. Children need the love of their parents and loved ones, it is important to feel protected.

4. Listen to your sons, be interested in their affairs and feelings

The desire to conform to the socially accepted version of masculinity affects boys even at an early age. To help them maintain integrity, remain themselves, resist pressure, it is important to share their interests, help them develop and learn.

If significant adults listen and hear the child, openly show care and respect, it is easier for him to understand who he is and what he wants. “If an adult seeks to listen to the boy without judging, without lecturing, it is easier for him to cope with doubts and self-criticism,” explains Michael Reichert.

Of course, sometimes it is more difficult to let a little person speak out than to teach and educate him. But you must learn to listen if you want to raise a healthy and socially adapted child.

5. Learn to Express Emotions

Boys, like girls, experience pain, sadness, joy, insecurity, anger, they are simply afraid to speak frankly about feelings or do not know how to express them. Help your child overcome the barrier, create an atmosphere of trust at home. React correctly even when the boy is angry or upset. Negative emotions, like positive ones, cannot be suppressed.

Sometimes it is difficult not to take your son’s anger personally, not to shift your own fears and doubts onto him. At such moments, you should remind yourself that paying attention to the feelings of the child will help him realize their value and learn how to manage them. Understanding how feelings influence thoughts and behavior is a defining function of emotional intelligence, says Reichart.

6. Encourage independence

Too often, boys are taught that their goal is independence. The lone ranger is the perfect image of a wanderer and a loner, a “real” man. In fact, boys do not need to strive for loneliness and isolation, they need to learn independence. Understand how to build relationships with others and defend your point of view.

Parents care is important for children, but this does not mean that you need to unceremoniously climb into their lives, control relationships with peers or protect them from disappointments and losses. Instead, gently support them as they prepare to enter a new, unknown world. This support will help them grow up on their own.

You don’t have to push for independence. If children participate in family life, not only agree, but express their opinion, they become independent and learn how it is to argue without aggression. Relationships require cooperation and compromise, conflicts are smoothed out in an atmosphere of respect, attention and understanding of the feelings of another.

7. Support the boys

Often adults suffer from their own prejudices, sharing the views imposed by society on what a man should be. This prevents them from truly understanding their child, sharing his feelings and thoughts.

Point out your son’s strengths. Learn to truly admire him. Do not break it, trying to equalize with others. He may not know how to run fast, but he loves to cook. He has no aptitude for mathematics, but he writes poetry. Support him. Show that you love him just the way he is. Let him receive the most faithful admirer and fan in your person. Don’t try to change it to suit public opinion.

Accept your child. This is the only way to inspire him to accomplish, to give strength to defend his position, to remain himself, no matter what others say.

About the Expert: Michael Reichert is the founder of the Center for the Study of Boys and Girls at the University of Pennsylvania.