They can be our acquaintances, outwardly prosperous and successful. But we don’t know what’s going on in their home. And if they dare to speak, no one takes their words seriously. Is the man a victim of violence? Does his wife beat him? It doesn’t happen!
It was difficult for me to find personal stories for this text. I asked my friends if they knew about such families where the wife beats her husband. And almost always they answered me with a smirk or asked: “Probably, these are desperate women who beat their husbands who drink and use drugs?” It is unlikely that anyone will think that violence is permissible, especially since it can be laughed at.
Whence then this almost reflex irony? Perhaps we just never thought that domestic violence could be directed at a man. It sounds somehow strange… And the questions immediately arise: how is this possible? How can the weak beat the strong and why does the strong endure it? This means that he is strong only physically, but weak internally. What is he afraid of? Doesn’t respect himself?
Such cases are not reported in the press or on television. Men are silent about it. Do I need to explain that they cannot complain to others, they cannot go to the police. After all, they know that they are doomed to condemnation and ridicule. And most likely, they condemn themselves. Both our unwillingness to think about them and their unwillingness to speak are explained by the patriarchal consciousness that still controls us.
It is impossible to strike back: it means to stop being a man, to behave unworthily. Divorce is scary and seems like a weakness
Let’s remember the flash mob #I’m not afraid to say. Confessions of abused women elicited warm sympathy from some and offensive comments from others. But then we did not read on social networks the confessions of men who were victims of their wives.
This is not surprising, says social psychologist Sergei Enikolopov: “In our society, a man is more likely to be forgiven for violence against a woman than they will understand a man who is subjected to domestic violence.” The only place where you can say this out loud is the psychotherapist’s office.
Stalemate
Most often, stories about a wife hitting her husband come up when a couple or family comes to the reception, says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. But sometimes men themselves turn to a psychologist about this. Usually these are prosperous, successful people in whom it is impossible to suspect victims of violence. How do they themselves explain why they tolerate such treatment?
Some don’t know what to do. It is impossible to strike back: it means to stop being a man, to behave unworthily. Divorce is scary and seems like a weakness. And how else to resolve this humiliating conflict, it is not clear. “They feel powerless and desperate because they see no way out,” says the family therapist.
Woman without a heart
There is a second option, when a man is really afraid of his partner. This happens in those couples where a woman has sociopathic traits: she is not aware of the boundaries of what is permitted, she does not know what compassion, pity, empathy are.
“As a rule, her victim is an insecure man who primarily blames himself for being treated this way,” explains Inna Khamitova. “In his mind, he’s the bad guy, not her.” This is how those who were offended in the parental family feel, who may have been a victim of violence in childhood. When women begin to humiliate them, they feel completely broken.
Things get even more complicated when the couple has children. They may sympathize with the father and hate the mother. But if the mother is insensitive and ruthless, the child sometimes turns on such a pathological defense mechanism as “identification with the aggressor”: he supports the persecution of the father-victim in order not to become a victim himself. “In any case, the child receives a psychological trauma that will affect his future life,” Inna Khamitova is sure.
The situation looks hopeless. Can psychotherapy restore healthy relationships? It depends on whether the woman in this couple is able to change, the family therapist believes. Sociopathy, for example, is practically untreatable, and it is best to leave such a toxic relationship.
“Another thing is when a woman defends herself from her own injuries, which she projects onto her husband. Let’s say she had an abusive father who beat her. To prevent this from happening again, now she beats. Not because she likes it, but for self-defense, although no one attacks her. If she realizes this, a warm relationship can be revived.
Role confusion
More men are victims of violence. The reason is primarily in how women’s and men’s roles are changing these days.
“Women have entered the masculine world and act according to its rules: they study, work, reach career heights, participate in competition on an equal basis with men,” says Sergey Enikolopov. And the accumulated tension is discharged at home. And if earlier aggression in women usually manifested itself in an indirect, verbal form — gossip, «hairpins», slander, now they more often turn to direct physical aggression … which they themselves cannot cope with.
“The socialization of men has always included the ability to control their aggression,” notes Sergey Enikolopov. — In Russian culture, for example, boys had rules on this matter: “fight to the first blood”, “they don’t beat the lying down”. But no one has taught girls and is not teaching them to control their aggression.”
Do we justify violence just because the aggressor is a woman?
On the other hand, women now expect men to be caring, sensitive, gentle. But at the same time, gender stereotypes have not gone away, and it is difficult for us to admit that women can be truly cruel, and men can be tender and vulnerable. And we are especially ruthless to men.
“Although it is difficult to admit and society does not realize it, but a man beaten by a woman immediately loses his status as a man,” says psychoanalyst and clinical psychologist Serge Efez. “We think this is absurd and ridiculous, we do not believe that this can be. But it would be necessary to support the victim of violence.”
We seem to have already realized that the man is always to blame for violence against a woman. But it turns out that in the case of violence against a man, he himself is to blame? Do we justify violence just because the aggressor is a woman? “It took me a lot of courage to decide on a divorce,” admitted one of those with whom I did manage to talk. So, is it again a matter of courage? It looks like we’ve hit a dead end…