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They do not show their true emotions, they constantly teach you and give you unnecessary advice, and their caustic criticism always takes the form of concern. Such people are usually called «heavy». How to protect yourself from them?
Communication with them is like trying to hug a hedgehog — no matter which side you come from, you still get pricked. Sometimes we have to communicate with them on a daily basis and hope that they will become kinder to us. But «heavy» people are sometimes incapable of empathy and empathy. They satisfy their own needs at the expense of others.
What should we do if communication with them cannot be avoided? Family therapist Claire Dorotic-Nana gives five practical tips.
1. Speak clearly and confidently
Cactus people prefer communication in which there is no complete clarity. Why? This gives them the opportunity to find an excuse for themselves: “You didn’t directly say that I have to come here at 10 in the morning. I didn’t know you needed it. You didn’t tell me.»
«Heavy» people like to shift the responsibility onto others, and if you don’t speak to them as clearly as possible, they will always have the opportunity to pretend that they just don’t understand what you need.
2. Set limits
Restrictions and personal boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship, they play the role of the foundation on which equality and reciprocity of relationships are built. Since «heavy» people try to avoid directness and clarity in communication, they need to be as clear as possible about where these boundaries lie.
By making it clear what you expect from them, what they can expect from you, and where you draw the line between what is allowed and what is not allowed, you can ensure that communication does not threaten well-being.
3. Know when to back off
«Heavy» people may be different, but they are all prone to manipulation and love to take revenge. We often instinctively want to “hit them back” when we see their cruelty and callousness. So we will only make things worse. They don’t need to resolve the conflict, they want revenge. They start quarrels and scandals specifically to hurt you. To protect yourself, you need to recognize their true intentions in time and get away from communication.
4. Prepare your escape routes
«Heavy» people want to manipulate you, control you. You are a means to them to get what they may need. Perhaps they satisfy a need for power or a need to be admired. But when their behavior begins to threaten well-being, it is advisable to have a plausible excuse ready to leave quickly. You need to pick up your child from school. You have an important meeting. You need to have time to run to the store, buy something for dinner. Whatever explanation you come up with, prepare it ahead of time.
5. Do what you love
Communication with «thorns» leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. You are deliberately made to doubt yourself and feel insignificant and unworthy of love and respect. Often there is a feeling of some kind of incompleteness, because of which you are again drawn to meet with the manipulators.
“People who say they care about me can’t wish bad on me. They probably didn’t really want to hurt me, you think. You may be convinced that what you love is bad for you. However, if you continue to communicate with those who manipulate you in this way, you provoke them even more.
It is better to devote time to what you really like, brings joy, happiness, a sense of calm and satisfaction. Your hobbies make you who you are. Don’t let anyone take them from you.