The editorial office received a letter from a girl who is not ready to come to terms with the presence of her beloved child from a previous relationship. We publish it in its entirety.
I have a negative life experience: my father has two sons from his first marriage. He always said sincerely: “My princess, you have two older brothers, you will always be protected.” His blind fatherly love did not notice much. And he didn’t seem to see the unseemly actions of my stepbrothers. If I complained to my father, he dropped his eyes and tried to get away from the conversation. And my mother was often reproached for not understanding his father’s concern for the growing children in “that” family.
Now I think that he still feels guilty before his sons that he did not live with them and did not raise them hourly, because he separated from his first wife when the boys were 8 and 5 years old. In his current retirement years, he still tries to help his over-aged sons. Either he will add money to the youngest for a car, then he plows in together with the older one at a construction site. I respect my father for his decency, but I felt the discomfort from the trail of his previous life all my childhood. And right now I realized why.
I am 32 years old, and the other day I broke up with my beloved man due to the fact that I faced a problem: he has a child. What is the obstacle, you ask? I answer.
His first wife had a negative attitude towards me, and, despite the fact that I was not in any way involved in their divorce, she decided for herself in advance that I would be an obstacle to their further communication. On her part there were night calls to my boyfriend and blackmailing about the child’s painful condition. Tears, screams, persuasion to come to them and urgently save the “dying” son in her arms. Of course, my man broke down, went there, and when he returned, he was depressed from guilt before his son and reproaches from his ex-wife. I’m not ready to get used to the fact that the first spouse will consider my boyfriend as her inseparable property all her life. Hope that someday her personal life will improve, and she will lag behind us – there are no guarantees.
And here’s another: tell me, are you tolerant of the whims of other people’s children? Well, when they kick with their feet, they throw a tantrum … I had to face this, because my fiance was taking the child for the weekend. I delicately tried to befriend a five-year-old. It was impossible to save myself from communicating with him, because the child of my man is for life. We all went to the park together, rode carousels, attended children’s events. I never managed to gain confidence in his son. It seems that my mother was turning the child against me. The boy behaved so uncontrollably and spoiled that no amount of talking, playing and going to the zoos could reason with the boy’s emotional seizures. Honestly, I feel sorry for the guy, but I’m not ready to spend all weekend building my patience.
Our conflicts were only on the basis of the existence of his child. May the baby be fine in life, but this is not my burden
It is impossible not to touch upon the material side. The moment came when my man and I began to run a common household. We earned about the same, the money was added to expenses in a common piggy bank. For everyday life, they were thrown off equally, but for the rest of the expenses he set aside 25% less than I did. Vacation, large purchases should have been on me, because I have a quarter more free amount.
What to do? Saw your future spouse every day to earn more? Bad idea. It is almost impossible to stop thinking about financial expenses, especially since school will start soon and expenses for the boy will increase significantly. And our common children, whom we planned, will they be deprived of? I know from my father’s example that it is for life. On the one hand, I understand that I would not agree to live with a bastard who refused to raise a child. On the other hand, a woman will always remain a female and will protect her own child.
Over time, I realized that all the talk about his son annoys me. We began to quarrel because our joint plans were periodically thwarted by the demands of our first wife. I turned a blind eye to the fact that gifts for me were cut because of spending on the boy. But the further, the more I was worried about the question of our future. It turns out that I am constrained in everything – in time, which was shortening for me; in money from our piggy bank, which I also earn for my family. My man, because of my indignation, even once doubted whether it was possible to have children in common with me. It turns out that our conflicts were only on the basis of the existence of his child. Let the baby be fine in life, but this is not my burden.
The last straw was the conversation I heard from my “elders”. They tried to share the inheritance for which my mother and father had earned their entire lives. Their conversation was not malicious, just speculations about life. But it really hurt me from a moral point of view. Now my parents are still alive, but I immediately imagined future scandals and grievances. “Brothers”, if something happens to dad, will be the heirs of the first order and, despite the fact that the father left that family “naked,” his sons can receive a part of the property for which my mother plowed all her life. I will not dare to start a conversation about the will, and my father will not understand me either.
Thinking about the future, I do not want my child to face similar problems. And I, even loving a (now former) boyfriend, do not agree to marry a man with children.