How to overcome the taboo and understand what we like in intimate relationships? How to communicate this to a partner? First of all, tell yourself (and maybe others) that there is nothing more natural than attention to the body, including erotic.
To the touch
Interest in the body, first of all in our own and later in someone else’s, arises in us long before we know how boys differ from girls. By touching his skin and studying the bodily landscape, the child builds an image of himself — he finds the most sensitive areas and learns which touches are most pleasant.
This is a natural and necessary process: “The lack of such a study can lead to serious problems in the future,” warns sexologist Elena Korzhenek. For example, if a child wore diapers for a long time and did not have the opportunity to get acquainted with his own genitals, then this area is perceived as a “white spot” on the body — these parts lose their sensitivity and do not fit into the psychological picture of their own body.
But the matter is not hopeless — later we can catch up. Having created a map of our own body, we begin to be interested in the bodies of others. By about the age of three, we discover that all the people around are divided into two categories: those who can write standing up, and those for whom it is inconvenient. Or, as it is also called, on men and women.
Exploring pleasure
Later, as we continue to get to know our own body, we find out where the erogenous zones are, and we can awaken sensitivity in those places where it was lacking: stimulating points on the body increases their susceptibility. The body exists not only physically, but is also present in our imagination: there we can change its characteristics, becoming stronger or more attractive.
“In the imagination, we imagine ourselves in the most desirable role, whether it be a superhero, a firefighter or a nurse,” notes psychoanalyst Svetlana Nechitailo. Most often, these roles are far from what we do in reality: who works on fires will not put on a helmet for sexual play.
“A white coat is enough for me at work,” admits 32-year-old nurse Irina, “sick people, especially recovering men, often flirt with me, but this is just a sign that their vitality has returned to them. And in my erotic fantasies, I imagine myself Cleopatra or Madame de Montespan, the favorite of the French king.
In fantasy, we see ourselves as those who, in our opinion, are guaranteed erotic attraction in the eyes of others. And, of course, we include the latter in the game. “Fantasies, including sexual ones, are images that have been and remain healing for us, helping to cope with such injuries as lack of attention or contact,” emphasizes Elena Korzhenek. But women and men have different approaches to erotic scenarios.
Erotica Martian and Venusian
Film production takes into account the difference of interests: women are more attracted to courtship, seduction and romance, while men usually skip conversations and focus on the act itself. Because of this, male erotica is closer to pornography and shows more naked bodies of actors, reducing the plot to a minimum. And the female one, on the contrary, seeks first to tell how everyone ended up in bed.
“When attempts were made to make porn for a female audience, two approaches were used,” says Svetlana Nechitailo, “in the first version, the authors paid special attention to the background and plot, and in the second they tried to focus on female pleasure, but not directly, with a close-up on the sexual organs, and indirectly, through hints, sounds, facial expressions.
The result did not live up to expectations: both options did not cause much excitement among the female audience. The difference in the perception of eroticism is taken into account in couples therapy. Both partners are advised to include in their fantasies the part that they usually miss out on — romantic for men and sexual for women.
This is not an easy task, especially for women, whose sexuality has been taboo for centuries, and whose body is still supposed to remain hidden in some cultures. Rejection of these taboos helps to better understand the partner and establish contact.
Mirrors and spears
In nature, the role of the seducer is usually assigned to the male: it is he who has bright plumage, loud courtship songs and twigs for the nest. The female calmly chooses the best of the proposed options. In human society, traditionally, a man also plays an active role, seducing a woman and proving his masculinity at every turn.
But this is not the only possible relationship model. After all, we, unlike most animals, have sex not only for procreation, but also just for fun. And pleasure can not only be received, but also given. Are the roles of receiver and giver determined by our gender, or may they be different from the accepted ones?
“Partners are really divided into receivers and givers, but not according to the structure of the genitals, but on the basis of their sexual development. Most often, the role is determined by the first sexual experience,” says Elena Korzhenek. Sexologists believe that it is almost impossible to change your preferences in this area, but you can negotiate and act in unusual roles in turn.
indecent talk
Long before it comes to sex, we strive to show a potential partner that we are interested in him or her and want to develop an acquaintance and relationship. Are there ways to know if our hints are appropriate?
“In a long-term relationship, we usually understand what kind of contact, sexual or emotional, a partner is looking for,” notes Elena Korzhenek, “this is reported by his body language, flirtatious gaze, erotic gestures, seductive purring, or, conversely, obvious fatigue after a working day.”
However, in the early stages, embarrassment is possible. Misinterpreted intentions often lead to conflicts, “so here you should follow a simple rule: if in doubt, ask,” Svetlana Nechitailo advises. “The partner does not have to guess about your desires.” Even if we are sure of a positive answer, it is worth making sure.
In addition, the ability to speak frankly about your desires, including bodily desires, will come in handy in the future. In romantic and intimate relationships, we are as open as possible. Sometimes this causes embarrassment, embarrassment and excitement, similar to what we experience on stage, although our entire audience is just a partner, but his opinion is extremely significant.
However, let modesty and shyness do not prevent us from discussing each other’s desires. After all, to refuse such a discussion, trying to follow generally accepted norms, means depriving yourself of pleasure. In addition, “everyone has his own idea of the rules of decency, and trying to comply with strangers is a hopeless business,” the psychoanalyst emphasizes.
The body is our assistant in achieving pleasure, which is always there and ready to communicate with us. It helps us follow our desires and look for someone with whom we can fulfill them.