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At first, life together proceeds happily and almost carefree. But over the years, we begin to move away from each other, mutual misunderstanding and a feeling of loneliness are growing. Quarrels, disputes, fatigue, a desire to let the situation take its course … And now we are on the verge of a family crisis. How to overcome it?
When a family is in crisis, one or both spouses may feel trapped, living with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. They accumulate mutual grievances, and conversations are increasingly turning towards “Did you cheat on me?” or “Maybe we should get a divorce?”. Again and again there are quarrels for the same reasons, but nothing changes. The emotional gap between the once close people is only growing.
Why is there a crisis in a relationship?
Each couple is unique — everyone has their own love story, their own experiences and happy moments. But the problems that provoke a family crisis, according to psychologists, differ little:
- Bad communication. Misunderstanding of each other leads to regular quarrels that drain the strength and patience of both partners. Moreover, disputes in which no one wants to give in do nothing to deal with the root cause of disagreements;
- Treason. Adultery destroys mutual trust and undermines the foundation of relationships;
- Disagreement in views. It may concern the methods of raising children, the family budget, the distribution of household responsibilities … Not to mention less significant things;
- Trouble. There are many reasons for it: alcoholism, drug addiction, personality disorder, mental illness
Is it possible to predict the approach of the crisis? Undoubtedly. Psychologist, family and marriage expert John Gottman identifies 4 “talking” signs, which he calls the “horsemen of the apocalypse”: these are poor communication, aggressive defensive reactions, contempt for a partner, and defiant ignorance.
And the feeling of mutual contempt, according to research, is the most characteristic sign that a disaster is on the way.
How to revive relationships?
Focus on the positive aspects
Think back to how you met your partner. Why were you attracted to each other? List the strengths of your couple and your relationship. Think about how they can help you resolve the crisis.
«we» instead of «I»
“In a crisis situation, it is very important to develop a common approach to relationships from the position of“ we ”, emphasizes psychologist Stan Tatkin. Taking care of yourself from the “me” perspective is also important, but in this case, it doesn’t help to strengthen or repair relationships.
Deal with problems in order
Unfortunately, many couples try to solve all the accumulated problems at once — but this is impossible, and therefore they give up. It is better to do otherwise: make a list of all the problems and disagreements in your couple and choose one to start with, temporarily putting the rest aside. Having dealt with this issue, in a couple of days you can move on to the next one.
Forgive your partner’s mistakes and remember your own
Surely you both made many mistakes that you bitterly regret. It is important to ask yourself the question: “Will I be able to forgive myself and my partner for everything we said and did, or will these grievances continue to poison our relationship until the very end?” At the same time, of course, certain actions cannot be forgiven — for example, violence.
Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. But without forgiveness, the relationship is unlikely to get out of the impasse: neither you nor your partner want to be constantly reminded of your past mistakes.
Seek psychological help
Are you trying to fix things but the relationship is only getting worse? Then it is worth contacting a family psychologist or a specialist in couples therapy.
A crisis in a relationship drains your physical and mental strength, so it’s important to deal with it as soon as possible. Believe me, there is almost always a chance to save the situation and return love and happiness to your marriage.