Conflicts, rivalries between siblings are common. But these can have a negative impact on the family atmosphere and parents often feel overwhelmed by the aggressiveness of their children. How to deal with fights among siblings ? Should we take sides, punish, separate the belligerents?
What the Gordon method advises: First of all, it is necessary to lay down the rules of life in society, to learn respect for others : “You have the right to be angry with your sister, but it is a problem for me that you hit her. Typing is prohibited. You have the right to be mad at your brother, but breaking his toys is not acceptable, because respect for others and their affairs is essential. ” Once the limits are set, we can use an effective tool: conflict resolution without loser. Thomas Gordon was a pioneer in conceptualizing conflict resolution through a win-win approach. The principle is simple: you have to create a favorable context, never hot at the time of a conflict, listen to each other with respect, define the needs of each, list all the solutions, choose the solution that does not hurt anyone, put it in place. implementation and evaluate the results. The parent acts as a mediator, he intervenes without taking sides and allows the children to resolve their small differences and conflicts on their own. : “How could you have done otherwise? You could have said “stop, that’s enough!” You could have taken another toy. You could have given him one of your toys in exchange for the one you coveted. You could have left the room and gone to play somewhere else… ”The victim and the perpetrator work out a solution that works for both of them.
My child stings monster anger
Parents are often very helpless in the face of their child’s spectacular anger. The emotional outburst of the child reinforces the emotion of the parent which, in turn, reinforces the anger of the child, it’s a vicious circle. Of course, the first who must come out of this spiral of anger is the parent, because the adult is him.
What the Gordon method advises: Behind every difficult behavior lies an unmet need. THEhe angry little one needs us to recognize his personality, his tastes, his space, his territory. He needs to be heard by his parent. In toddlers, anger often comes because they cannot say what is happening to them. At 18-24 months, they experience great frustration because they do not have sufficient vocabulary to make themselves understood. You need to help him put his feelings into words: “I think you’re mad at us and can’t say why. It’s difficult because you can’t explain to us, it’s not funny for you. You have the right to disagree with what I ask of you, but I disagree with the way you show it. Hurling, rolling on the ground, is not the right solution and you won’t get anything from me that way. »Once the wave of violence has passed, we talk again later about the cause of this anger, we recognize the need, we explain that we do not agree with the solution found and we shows other ways to do it. And if we ourselves have given in to anger, it should be explained : “I was angry and said hurtful words that I don’t mean. I would like us to talk about it together. I’m annoyed, because on the bottom, I’m right and I can confirm that your behavior is not acceptable, but on the form, I was wrong. “