Contents
They are said to be unreliable, selfish and completely incapable of love. They say this about men, of course, women. Is it true? Modern men are not able to truly love or do they just do it their own way?
In search of an answer, I have to conduct a real investigation. I think about where to start … And a brilliant one comes to my mind – as it seems to me, naive! thought: to talk to a man who has lived with me under the same roof for many years. But here, alas, I am in for a complete failure. In response, I hear a short: “Typically female question!”
The fiasco awaits me later, when I try to start a conversation on this topic with other men. “Specify what you mean”, “Are you talking about sex?”, “Strange question: how can I answer for everyone at once?” Women I know, colleagues and girlfriends 30-40 years old, each of whom has experience of partnerships, react to my questions in a completely different way. That’s who does not skimp on assessments: “It is impossible to agree on anything with them”, “They only think about sex”, “You cannot rely on them”, “They always lie”, “How afraid they all are of responsibility” …
Confidence that men have sex in the first place is nothing more than a stereotype
However, these unflattering reviews cause a condescending smile from the sociologist Christine Castelin-Meunier. For the book Metamorphoses of the Male, she had to interview a huge number of men and women, and here is her conclusion: “The first thing a woman will tell you about men: they do not understand anything, are passive, not at all.
But if you continue the conversation, everything changes: it turns out that it’s difficult without men, they are strong, you want to lean on them, it’s good that they exist … When we ask men, we will first hear flattering words about women: they are gentle, soft, responsible, cordial … But if men open up for real, then it turns out something completely different: “These bitches themselves don’t know what they want” … What a deep and mutual misunderstanding!
They choose the internet
Misunderstanding? I open the results of a survey conducted on the site, in which 635 men took part. The results of many will certainly puzzle: in the rating of pleasures, men put sex in second place, and in the first place by a significant margin was … the Internet! 37% of respondents admitted that they cannot imagine their days off without a computer, and only 29% were in favor of sex. In addition, in terms of its attractiveness, sex differs little for them from communication with friends, which scored 28%.
Is it really like that? “Honestly, the numbers do not surprise me,” says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. — Communication in social networks, searching for information, writing blogs, downloading music, books, games, movies – all this is extremely in demand in modern society. In addition, the belief that men have sex in the first place is nothing more than a stereotype. In fact, one of the most common complaints today is a partner’s reluctance to have sex. And more often a man leaves sexual relations.
Passion is a form of insanity and this feeling has no gender. It’s irrational and can’t last forever
We will return to stereotypes, but for now – about the reasons for refusing sexual relations. There are enough of them: chronic fatigue, stress, monotony, emotional dissatisfaction with a partner, fear of intimacy. In addition, an equally large number of men and women are generally not able to love, fall in love, or experience strong feelings.
Passion is a form of insanity and this feeling has no gender. It is irrational and cannot last forever. When, after a stormy period of falling in love, the turn of reasonable relationships comes, this is also manifested in the language in which we describe the life of a couple: building (life together), establishing (relationships, everyday life), exchanging (opinions), sharing (roles, responsibilities) .
And this is where stereotypes and conflicting expectations come to the fore, giving rise to gender conflicts. What should be a man, and what a woman? Who is the boss in the house: husband or wife? Who should earn money, and who should look after children? The Tower of Babel, as you know, could not be built because the builders once spoke in different languages. Does this danger threaten those who together build a life in pairs?
They don’t torture themselves with doubts
In order to make the male language of love clearer, it must be borne in mind that men are not inclined to doubt and analyze when everything is going well in a relationship. “They love simply,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – In this ability to be clear, simple, and lies their strength. For joy, they will have enough wine and a loved one. A woman will ask herself a lot of questions. Is this man good? Is the wine cold enough? Oh, is it red? It’s a pity, I would prefer white… Women have two big problems: they always want more and they don’t know how to separate the important from the unimportant.”
Constant female discontent often discourages men. Recently, my friend, Maxim, who married a second time at the age of 42, said this about it: “In women, I am tired of the constant need to prove my love. And friends do not need endless confirmation of feelings! But I, in general, understand where they get this need from … We, men, are not very good at expressing our feelings in words. But at the same time, we live with the feeling that women constantly evaluate us, test our love and are never satisfied with what we can give them!
You can’t treat your child as part of yourself. You can’t drown him in tenderness, squeeze your arms tighter if he wants to free himself
It turns out that men feel female dissatisfaction, but do not hear their own desires. They think that the main thing is to meet the expectations of a woman, not to disappoint her. Whatever you say, there is something childish in this desire: to do as the mother says …
By the way, about mothers… Is it possible to reproach them for the fact that their sons, growing up, do not know how to love? “Psychoanalysis has long abandoned the idea that all the misfortunes in a person’s life are due to the fact that his mother in childhood did not love him the way he should,” says psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin. – Donald Winnicott spoke of “a good enough mother,” implying that a woman does not have to look after her child perfectly. And it seems to me essential to add the opposite statement – the mother should be “bad enough”, not be afraid to frustrate the child, remembering her desires and needs.
You can’t treat your child as part of yourself. You can’t drown him in tenderness, squeeze your arms tighter if he wants to free himself … It is important to give him the opportunity to leave, to understand something and discover it for himself. It is in relations with the mother that the child (especially the boy) gradually renounces his infantile omnipotence, understands that he cannot have everything that there is no absolute freedom, learns not only to endlessly receive, but also to give. If he has such experience, he is better prepared to build love relationships with women.
Fragment of the book “Men” by Viktor Erofeev
“The Russian peasant is simple-hearted, but distrustful. He doesn’t treat women very well. However, everyone gets married, and so does he. As a rule – unsuccessfully … The Russian husband is a comic figure. There he wanders in slippers in the kitchen. To enslave a husband, you need to play the moral imperative card. It’s simple. “She knows best.”
The wife becomes a family judge and charges in the form of claims: “Why can’t you do the simplest things?” …Family squabbles become a public hearing. The wife begins to mock her husband in the presence of relatives, friends and acquaintances. She transparently hints at the fact that he is no good in bed, and – in plain text: “My husband is a loser.”
The blood boils here, and you need to think about your rights. And the man begins to think. He thinks, thinks, thinks and thinks to the point that all women are bitches. By this time, it’s time for him to die. And he dies, enlightened. Under the howl or cold silence of his future widow.
They became hostages of stereotypes
But back to the main thing: how do men still love? “It is very difficult to generalize: men differ from each other much more than from women,” Alexander Chernikov is sure. – The only thing that can be said for sure is that men are inferior to women in emotionality, especially if in the formation of their “I” they are guided by the image of a real man, macho, a symbol of anti-femininity.
Such men do not show their emotions, often do not feel and do not understand them, they are sure that they must cope with their problems themselves, be strong. Since a “real man” must be competent in all matters, many are afraid to make a mistake, to step out of the role of omniscient and omniscient. If a man is able to admit that he may not know (not be able to) something, he is much more ready for dialogue.
Women also suffer from stereotypes that create conflicting expectations. Imagine, for example, a couple where the wife makes a career, earns money, and the husband is less busy with work and spends more time with children … How do women usually relate to such an unusual division of roles in the family?
Due to insufficient emotionality, men very often get lost in matters of relationships and unwittingly give the initiative to women
“In principle, I am happy with everything, but I would like my husband to be more independent.” Why? “In society, the idea that it is the man who should provide for the family is still strong,” Alexander Chernikov replies. – True, now a second stereotype is added to this stereotype: a husband should be a good father, capable of tenderness. Combining these two roles is difficult. And when immersed in one of them, the second inevitably begins to suffer, which causes dissatisfaction with the woman and tension in the family.
In the most successful version of the relationship in a couple, there are three components: passion, intimacy, commitment, they were first identified by psychologist Robert Sternberg. Especially often in men, intimacy is “lame”, believes Alexander Chernikov: “They can do without emotional warmth, understanding, sensuality, which cannot be said about women for whom affection is fundamentally important. It is precisely because of insufficient emotionality that men very often get lost in matters of relationships and unwittingly give the initiative to women.
They live in times of upheaval
So, expectations change, stereotypes don’t work – why? The decisive role in the collapse of the usual gender order was played by the sexual revolution that began in the 70s of the last century. “It was first and foremost a women’s revolution,” argues sociologist Igor Kon. – And led to the fact that women largely changed the rules of the love game.
And the men, without asking any special questions, blindly followed them. It is difficult to reproach them for such behavior: for centuries they were brought up as courageous warriors, they did not have the right to show feelings, their inner world was suppressed, in fact they were forbidden to be themselves. “Today, the image of a real man, a macho, has lost its solidity, and some of its features, such as aggressiveness, have turned out to be unclaimed,” continues Igor Kon. “For a woman, it is much more important now that a man is ready for tenderness, expressing his feelings … Although still combined with strength and reliability.”
The men realized that the routine had changed, but failed to contribute to the change. Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to it yet? “The social status, activities and psyche of women are changing much faster and more radically,” Igor Kon reflects. – And the point here is not the general adaptability of women: any radical social changes are carried out primarily by those who are interested in them, in our case, women. And the ruling class – men – care about maintaining the status quo. They are not in a hurry to give up their positions and do it only under pressure.”
Today, men are so afraid of being rejected that they avoid approaching a woman once again.
Men still believe that a strong, courageous, real man, who is approved by the state and society, exists and is in demand. But in real life, this image is no longer attractive. Women have imposed on their companions a new “set of rules” in relationships and believe that loving correctly is loving … like a woman. At the same time, however, men – what a pleasant surprise! – have not yet completely turned into women … But many ladies forget about this and continue to look for a kindred spirit in their heroes.
It is not surprising that they stumble upon a wall of misunderstanding and begin to doubt themselves and their femininity. Then, to make sure of her, they go to the other extreme and go in search of an ideal man: if such a man loves me, then I am an ideal woman! But what about men? They feel inadequate and misunderstood.
“Today, men are so afraid of being rejected that they avoid once again approaching a woman,” says psychoanalyst Bernard-Elie Torgeman. – Their desire is not strong enough to calmly survive the rejection. Initially, the highest manifestation of the masculine principle is the hunter, but today a generation of gatherers has grown up. If the fruit is ripe and waiting to be plucked, if the “gatherer” was given the green light, the modern man will take a step forward.
But he does not know how to fight for his love. And yet it is not clear to me: why do women (unconsciously) scare away men with their strength and independence, demands and expectations? “Because they themselves do not know their true desires,” the psychoanalyst continues. “They want to be reassured and encouraged, but the old instincts of prey to be hunted and conquered have not disappeared either …”
How love is born
“After being born, the child turns out to be the center of the universe, his desires are satisfied, the world belongs to him. But one day he sees that his mother is not around, she went to her father. He wakes up alone, cries, they approach him, console him, but still leave him alone. Then he notices that his mother is kissing his father. A little later, he finds out that there is something secret going on in their bedroom. Sexual love between parents frustrates the child, makes him suffer, feel helpless, useless, alone…
All the main expectations and inevitable disappointments of the child are related to sexuality and love. He loves his parents and hates their love for each other, which deprives him of omnipotence. And at the same time, he really wants to love like parents, to be like one of them … Hatred of love and the desire to love is one of the deepest conflicts of a person. Hatred gives rise to fears, and the desire to love like a father and mother gives rise to living inclinations and feelings. In the relationship of parents – the origins of the love of the child.
Even if a mother raises a child alone, even if she lives with the feeling that men do not exist at all, or, conversely, if she wants a relationship with a man, she is waiting for them … In every woman there is both maternal preoccupation with a child and sexual attraction. In the worst case, this conflict is resolved through the appeal to the child not only maternal, but also sexual love.
Here much depends on the father – either he gives in, and then feels abandoned, or fights for his love for both the woman and the child. Dedicating herself to the child, the mother kills him – mentally, of course. A child needs to breathe, act, understand, and for this a woman needs to gradually, as she grows up, step back, leave. Where? In a relationship with a man. Because only the love of a woman for a man frees up space for the development of a child. Only if a woman loves someone else can she love her child well enough, giving him the opportunity to learn self-reliance and love.
They love in their own way
“How tired I am: I don’t understand at all what needs to be done to make women happy,” Grigory, 34, sighs. – One, leaving, reproached me for restricting her freedom, the other – exactly the opposite: supposedly I could not take responsibility for our life together … But it seems to me that I behaved in both the first and second respects Naturally, it was what I am.
Women just don’t know what they want. Perhaps they simply resolve their internal conflicts at our expense? Their strength is that they can communicate and support each other – unfortunately, men do not know how. Thanks to this, women are more confident in themselves, in their rightness and sinlessness.
For centuries, men have treated women as objects. Alas, it is. But at least they did not try to remake women! Women, on the other hand, wanted to change men, not being afraid to lose this magic of yin and yang – complementarity. Perhaps, if you do not try to change men, they will stop guessing and adapting, meeting women’s expectations and copying women’s love, but they will get to know themselves better and will finally be able to be themselves in love. After all, men love – passionately, gently, timidly, clumsily, deeply and strongly. They love like a man.
Here is perhaps the most interesting of what I managed to find out. I share this valuable information with my husband, who, as it turned out, returned mentally to this topic more than once. “One way or another, it all depends on the woman. For her sake, a man is ready to be both a hunter and a gatherer. But no matter what happens, it is important that love remains what it has always been – a joyful feeling. Well, you better not say it!