I never imagined raising a boy
When I started to want to be a mom I have always seen myself surrounded by little girls. Against all reason, I never imagined raising a boy. When I met Bertrand, my husband, I told him about it and he kindly laughed at me, telling me that there was a one in two chance that my wish would come true. He did not yet understand the importance of my desire to have only girls and he took it for a not very bad fad. Next, When I was pregnant with my first child, I was very serene, so deep down I was sure that I was expecting a girl. Bertrand tried to reason with me, but I had no doubts. This certainty was completely irrational, but it was like that! When the doctor certified that I was expecting a little girl, Bertrand was very relieved because he was afraid of my great disappointment if we had been told of a boy. Three years later, we decided to have another child. And there again, I was convinced to give birth to a little princess.
With my husband, we often discussed this rejection of having a boy. We did find some explanations. For example, the women in my family only make daughters: my mother has two sisters who had one daughter each and my older sister has two daughters. That makes a lot ! It was as registered in my destiny that I would continue the line of girls. I was perhaps unconsciously telling myself that I would no longer be part of my clan if I did anything other than girls! The idea of having a boy repelled me because I was afraid of not knowing how to love him, of not knowing how to take care of him… I had nursed my nieces with happiness and with my daughter everything had always been very simple. So, giving birth to a little man was like giving birth to an alien! Bertrand was constantly trying to prove to me by A more B than a boy, it was also nice, he was so afraid of my reaction if my wishes were not granted. He accompanied me, distressed, to the ultrasound which was to indicate the sex of the baby. When the sonographer announced that I was expecting a boy, I thought the sky was falling on me. I cried so much I was shaken by the news. On the way out, my husband took me for a drink so that I could recover from my emotions. I had stopped crying, but my throat was tight and I couldn’t believe that I had a little male inside me. I repeated to my husband: “But how am I going to do it?” I’m going to be a bad mother for him. I only know how to take care of girls… ” When I got home, I undressed and looked at my stomach as if I was seeing it for the first time. I tried talking to my baby, trying to imagine I was talking to a boy. But it was very difficult for me. I called my mother who laughed and said, “Well, finally a little male in our harem! I’m going to be a little guy’s granny and I don’t mind it. My mother’s words soothed me and played down the news.
I then started looking for a male first name the following weeks. But I only had women in my head: I wasn’t ready yet. My husband has chosen to take things with humor. When I said to him in the most serious way: “We see that he’s a boy, he moves a lot and hits hard!” », He started to laugh because a few days before, while I thought I was expecting a girl, I said that the baby did not move much. He managed to make me smile and take a step back. I was so afraid of not taking on a little guy that I began to read Françoise Dolto, among others, and all the books that spoke of the links between sons and their mother. I even got in touch with an old friend who already had a little 2 years old to find out how things were going for her. She reassured me: “You’ll see, the links are very strong too, with a little boy. ” Despite all this, I still couldn’t imagine what place this baby would have in my life. Bertrand sometimes protested, saying: “But I am happy to have a son with whom I can play football when he is older. “He was on purpose to taunt me:” Having another daughter would have been good, but I’m also super happy to be the future daddy of a little guy who will inevitably look like me. Obviously, I protested: “It is not because he is a boy that he will not look like me! ” And little by little, I think I tamed the idea of having a little guy. In the street and in the square where I took my daughter, I carefully observed the mothers who had a boy to see how it was between them. I noticed that mothers were very tender with their sons, and I told myself that there was no reason why I should not be like them. But what really reassured me was when my sister told me that if she had a third child, she would also like a son. I was amazed because I was sure she was like me, only seeing herself as a mother of little girls. A few days before the due date, I had new puffs of anguish, telling myself that, definitely, I would not be able to take care of a boy. And then the big day arrived. I had to go to the maternity ward very quickly because my contractions quickly got very strong. I did not have time to think about my moods because I gave birth in three hours, whereas for my eldest, it had been much longer.
As soon as my son was born, they put him on my stomach and there he curled up against me and looked at me with his big black eyes. There, I must say that all my apprehensions fell and I melted of tenderness immediately. My little boy knew how to do it with me from the first seconds of his birth. It’s true that I found his penis a bit big compared to the rest of his body, but that didn’t scare me. In fact, I made my boyfriend my own right away. I even had a hard time remembering how worried I was during my pregnancy about having a boy. Mine was a real little magician with his gaze that seemed to never leave me. He must have felt that he needed to do a little more with me and he was the nicest in the world. Of course, when he cried, when he was hungry, I still found that his crying was louder and more serious in tone. But nothing more. My daughter was in awe of her little brother, like the whole family for that matter. My husband was delighted that everything was working out and he too behaved like a “cake daddy” with his son, almost as much as with his daughter, which is saying a lot! I am happy today to have “the king’s choice”, namely a girl and a boy, and for nothing in the world I would like it to be otherwise. Sometimes I feel guilty that I was so afraid to expect a boy and suddenly I think I am even more cuddly with my newest child, whom I often call “my little king”.
QUOTES COLLECTED BY GISELE GINSBERG