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From the discovery of bipolarity to the desire for a baby
“I was diagnosed with bipolar at 19. After a period of depression caused by a failure in my studies, I didn’t sleep at all, I was talkative, in top form, over-excited. It was weird and I went to the hospital myself. The diagnosis of cyclothymia fell and I was hospitalized for two weeks in a psychiatric hospital in Nantes. Then I resumed the course of my life. It was my first manic attack, my whole family supported me. I did not collapse, but understood that since diabetics have to take insulin for life, I should take a lifelong treatment to stabilize my mood because I am bipolar. It is not easy, but you have to accept to suffer from an extreme emotional fragility and face crises. I finished my studies and I met Bernard, my companion for fifteen years. I have found a job that I really enjoy and allows me to earn a living.
Quite classically, at 30, I said to myself that I would like to have a baby. I come from a large family and I always thought I would have more than one. But since I am bipolar, I was afraid to pass my disease on to my child and I couldn’t make up my mind.
“I had to justify my desire for a child when it is the most natural thing in the world”
At 32, I told my companion about it, he was a little reluctant, I was the only one to carry this child project. We went to Sainte-Anne hospital together, we had an appointment in a new structure that follows expectant mothers and psychologically fragile mothers. We met psychiatrists and they asked us a lot of questions to find out why we wanted a child. Finally, specifically to me! I underwent a real interrogation and I took it badly. I had to name, understand, analyze, justify my desire for a child, when it is the most natural thing in the world. Other women don’t have to justify themselves, it’s hard to say exactly why you want to be a mother. According to the results of the investigations, I was ready, but my companion not really. Despite that, I had no doubts about his ability to be a father and I was not mistaken, he is a great dad!
I talked a lot with my sister, my girlfriends who were already mothers, I was completely sure of myself. It was very long. First, my treatment had to be changed so that it was not bad for my child during the pregnancy. It took eight months. Once my new treatment was in place, it took two years to conceive our daughter with insemination. In fact, it worked from the moment my shrink told me, “But Agathe, read the studies, there is no definitive scientific proof that bipolarity is of genetic origin. There is a little genetics and especially environmental factors that matter a lot. »Fifteen days later, I was pregnant!
Becoming a mom step by step
During my pregnancy, I felt really good, everything was so sweet. My companion was very caring, my family too. Before my daughter was born, I was very afraid of the consequences of the lack of sleep associated with the arrival of a baby and of postpartum depression, of course. In fact, I just had a slight baby blues half an hour after giving birth. It is such a commitment, such a bath of emotions, of love, I had butterflies in my stomach. I was not a stressed young mother. I did not wish to breastfeed. Antonia didn’t cry a lot, she was a very calm baby, but I was still tired and I was very careful to preserve my sleep, because it is the basis of my balance. The first few months, I could not hear when she cried, with the treatment, I have a heavy sleep. Bernard got up at night. He did every night for the first five months, I was able to sleep normally thanks to him.
The first few days after giving birth, I felt a sense of strangeness towards my daughter. It took me a long time to give her a place in my life, in my head, becoming a mother is not instantaneous. I saw a child psychiatrist who said to me: “Give yourself the right to be a normal woman. I forbade myself certain emotions. From the first slack, I got back to myself “Oh no, especially not!” I tracked the slightest variations in mood, I was very demanding with me, much more than other mothers.
Emotions in the face of the test of life
Everything was fine when at 5 months Antonia had a neuroblastoma, a tumor in the coccyx (fortunately at stage zero). It was her father and I who found out that she was not doing well. She was withdrawn and no longer peed. We went to the emergency room, they did an MRI and found the tumor. She was operated on quickly and today she is totally healed. It should be followed every four months for a check up for several years. Like all mothers who would have experienced the same thing, I was very shaken by the operation and especially the interminable wait while my baby was in the operating room. In fact, I heard “You die!”, And I found myself in a state of terrible anxiety and fear, I imagined the worst of the worst. I broke down, I cried until finally, someone called to tell me that the operation had gone well. Then I raved for two days. I was in pain, I cried all the time, all the traumas of my life came back to me. I was aware that I was in a crisis and Bernard told me “I forbid you to fall ill again!” At the same time, I said to myself: “I can’t be sick too, I no longer have the right, I have to take care of my daughter!” And it worked ! I took neuroleptics and two days were enough to get me out of the emotional turmoil. I am proud to have done so quickly and well. I was very surrounded, supported, by Bernard, my mother, my sister, the whole family. All these proofs of love have helped me.
During my daughter’s illness, I opened a terrifying door in me that I am working to close today with my psychoanalyst. My husband took everything in a positive way: we had good reflexes, which made it possible to detect the disease very quickly, best hospital in the world (Necker), best surgeon, recovery! and to cure Antonia.
Since we created our family, there is one more wonderful joy in my life. Far from triggering a psychosis, the birth of Antonia has balanced me, I have one more responsibility. Becoming a mother gives a framework, a stability, we are part of the cycle of life. I am no longer afraid of my bipolarity, I am no longer alone, I know what to do, who to call, what to take in the event of a manic crisis, I have learned to manage. The psychiatrists told me that it was a “beautiful development of the disease” and the “threat” hanging over me is gone.
Today Antonia is 14 months old and all is well. I know I’m not going to go wild anymore and I know how to insure my child ”.