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Christmas tree, gifts, meetings… Not everyone is happy about the main winter holiday. Long before December 31, some people feel tense, and they would prefer not to celebrate the New Year at all. Where do such feelings come from?
“I even dream about how I prepare for the New Year,” admits 41-year-old Linda, a teacher. “What if you don’t like the gifts?” What kind of dinner to cook? Will the husband’s parents come? And what if everyone quarrels?” For those who cannot boast of calmness in everyday life, the winter holidays become a serious test. “The stronger the external stimulus, the stronger the inner anxiety manifests itself,” explains clinical psychologist Natalia Osipova, “and the holiday is noise, bustle, crowds and great expectations: after all, the New Year and the evergreen spruce symbolize renewal and eternal life. The stakes are very high.» For many, even too much.
They put pressure on me
“We are under strong social pressure,” says psychoanalyst Juliette Allais. “It requires us to invest time and money that affects our self-confidence (will I be able to do everything?) and self-esteem (how will others evaluate me?).” If our self-confidence is fragile, the need to do everything right, which is imposed on us both by advertising and our loved ones, eventually deprives us of sleep. And we resign ourselves to the fact that the New Year is serious. Refuse to celebrate? “The consequences are too dangerous: one can be branded as an “apostate”, almost a heretic,” replies Juliette Allais.
I’m torn apart by conflicts
The new year creates internal conflicts that cause feelings of guilt. “This ritual of belonging to the community,” the analyst continues, “allows for stronger ties and builds self-confidence: because we have our own role in the family, we exist.” But our society is leaning towards individualism and autonomy: the first internal conflict.
The holiday requires us to be relaxed and able to wait. But all year long, we’ve become addicted to the cult of urgency and lose the ability to slow down.
“The holiday requires us to be relaxed and able to wait (for guests, ceremonies, dinner, gifts…). But all year long, we have become addicted to the cult of urgency and lose the ability to slow down: the second conflict. “Finally, there is a conflict between our desires, the need for understanding, and the asphalt roller that these holidays can roll over us.” Especially if our own mood does not coincide with the general upsurge.
I stop being myself
Family gatherings are a celebration of diplomacy: we avoid sensitive topics, smile and try to be pleasant, which leads to disappointment. “It is especially difficult for those to whom the outgoing year brought failure or loss to look cheerful,” Natalya Osipova notes. “The hope for the future that pervades the celebration hurts them.” But for the good of the group, we have to repress our inner content. “This celebration of childhood brings us back to a childish position, we are no longer equal to ourselves,” emphasizes Juliette Allais. Regression unsettles us so much that we betray our present self, we forget that we have grown up a long time ago. But what if, after all, we try to remain adults this New Year?
What to do?
1. Change your habits
What if we allow ourselves a little frivolity? You don’t have to follow tradition in everything. And the New Year, despite its importance, is still not a matter of life and death. Ask yourself what would give you pleasure. A little trip, an evening at the theater? Try to return to the holiday its meaning, far from the world of consumption. This is an opportunity to rejoice with other people and reconnect (or create) connections that you enjoy.
2. Talk to loved ones in advance
Before gathering at a common table, you can meet with some relatives one on one in a less solemn and obliging atmosphere. This will help you feel more natural in the future. By the way, if you get bored with the monologue of some uncle at the holiday, you can politely tell him that, from your point of view, now is not the right time for such revelations.
3. Understand yourself
New Year clearly shows the nature of our ties with the family. Do you feel free? Or do you have to obey the expectations of loved ones? Meetings with a therapist can help clarify your role in the family. Perhaps you are a child parent who is responsible for the balance and harmony of the clan. Such family members have a great responsibility that would be better shared with others.